A Tale of Two Sisters

Moving on up

2007-06-21T21:46:00.000-04:00

So I'm moving my blog to Wordpress. The site is thebigseester.wordpress.com

Yes, it's true. I ditched The Clam. We decided there was no point in calling it "A Tale of Two Sisters" when only the one sister actually wrote on the blog (comments not included, of course!)

Anyway, come visit me in my new home!

I DID IT

2007-05-23T21:19:00.000-04:00

I finally figured out the online billing thing! Sure, it took a while, but I did it! I am so proud of myself right now, I could burst a blood vessel. I have all my bills scheduled for payment, except my car insurance, which I had already paid (the one bill due in the middle of the month).

There's also an option for certain bloodsuckers...oops, I mean corporations to send me bills via email. This seems like a cool option, since (a) I hate paper, which is a well-established factoid about me, and (b) this way the bills are less likely to get lost (or stolen). However, it appears only 2 of the companies offer this option - my phone and my electric. I wonder why?

Also, Canuck, DJ: Do you keep the old bills? I mean, Comcast sends you a bill (or Rogers if you're Canadian). You pay it online. Do you keep the paperwork?

Pat me on the back, cause I ROCK!

Many thanks to The Canuck for not losing his temper at me during the many tech support phone calls lately...

Bad Shoe Day

2007-05-23T14:16:00.000-04:00

So I'm blogging at work and not on my lunch (not good) but I had to take 5 minutes to just type this up.

I don't own a lot of shoes, and what I have are pretty basic and functional.

I have 2 pairs of black dress shoes for work, plus I just bought a pair of work-acceptable sandals for summertime. I recently bought a third pair of black pumps for work (because I've had the other 2 pairs for a couple of years now and they are wearing out), but I haven't broken them in yet. (I HATE breaking in shoes. I'm not like other people. I can't stand pain. It hurts me!)

Anyhoo, we had a shindig at our other building at lunch, and as I was walking back, I realized that my left shoe was causing me pain. A fair amount. It felt like a pebble in my shoe. (Or, more likely, kitty litter. One piece of litter can feel like a giant rock, and that's not even counting the cootie factor.)

Anyway, I got back and took off my shoe to shake out the pebble. Turns out the sole of my shoe is cracked along the ball of my foot (on the inside) and is pinching my foot with every step. Way to self-destruct, huh?

So far I hate home banking

2007-05-21T22:34:00.000-04:00

So, after much discussion with my personal tech stalkies, The Canuck and DJ, I decided to try online banking.

So far, I hate it.

First I had to fill out a form and snail mail it to my credit union.

Then they sent me back a piece of paper with my pin number (great. another number to remember.)

I log on and try to get going, with The Canuck on the phone from Canuckia for support, only to find out that there's another step, and I have to wait until they email me to tell me it's OK to start.

(Can you hear the "24" clock ticking in the background, as the due date for my bills comes closer and closer?)

Then, I start asking questions that The Canuck doesn't know the answer to, since, as has been pointed out in other places, Canada is in fact a foreign country, and that becomes blatantly obvious when it comes to things like banking (and Beer Stores).

So I have to wait until today to try again from home. I know better than to try and do this on my lunch, because if you attempt to log in from strange computer, they will want to know the answers to the confirmation questions, which are not easy questions like What is your mom's maiden name? What hospital were you born in; but rather, quantifiable questions like what is your favorite food (all depends on what day of the month it is, buddy my pal), who is your favorite band? (I dunno. Does it have to be a rock band?) You can see how this might cut into my lunch and complicate things.

So I wait until I get home. I purposely don't start any other projects because I want to get this done, when I realize that my complete lack of a filing system in my new place is not helping the situation. Of course, the fact that I have actual panic attacks about forgetting to pay a bill and getting evicted from my home doesn't help either.

Anyway, after much looking through my pile o'paper and checking and double-checking the bills that I have paid (last month), I sit down again, at 10 pm, with my stack of bills in my hand, ready to go.

AND I CAN'T GET ON TO THE STUPID SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This stinks!

Plus I am so scared that a bill is not going to get paid. I'm not kidding. It really has me freaked out.

Do you think it's too late to back out of this now? I'm someone who has done email statements in the past, only to cancel it after a couple of months because I'm certain the Kremlin is monitoring my statements.

I don't like feeling not in control of when and how things get paid. I don't like worrying that I'm going to get hacked. I don't like that I have now spent HOURS on this and yet NONE OF MY BILLS ARE PAID.

I hate this. Make it stop.

What a maroon...

2007-05-21T22:20:00.000-04:00

OK, I'm in a bad mood, so that probably doesn't help matters much, but I'm sorry. Johnny Depp gave an interview in Rolling Stone recently where he talked about Keith Richards, and how cool he is.

What exactly is cool about watching a 60-something guy stumble and teeter around and try desperately to pretend he's still 25?

Frankly, his sort of antics aren't even cool when you're 25, but they are just pathetic when you're 65.

And it's sooo dorky for Johnny Depp to think that this guy is any kind of cool.

I'll tell you the same thing I have been saying for years:

Grow up
Get a haircut
Get off the dope
Try listening to some real music for a change

Frank Sinatra. Now that cat was cool...

I Hate 24 with a Passion

2007-05-21T22:05:00.001-04:00

OK. I stuck it out through the entire season. Sure, I gave up for a couple of weeks there, when, after every episode I was irritated beyond words at the sheer stupidity of what I saw. But then The Canuck pulled me back into the 24 spiral of insanity. (Semi-Godfather reference.)

So tonight was the "2 hour season finale" of this season. I'm not going to put spoilers in here...mostly.

However, I read an article last week that said basically that the producers knew this season sucked and that they were going to fix things for next season. They were going to take the show out of LA, and it was going to be Jack Bauer and a whole new cast of characters. Perhaps some old fave actors would show up, as new characters, but basically, a whole new cast. So that pretty much tells me that, say, if we don't know now whether Ex-President Logan is alive or dead, we won't know later.

Guess what?

We don't know.

We also don't know who The Mole is (I still think Milo, and the appearance of his creepy brother doesn't help his case). We still don't know whether President Wayne is going to make it. We don't know about his annoying sister's reasonably cool boyfriend (remember him? The Muslim who got the stuffing kicked out of him at Camp Bombalot?) We don't know how Mike Doyle is. (I'm not sure we care, but still...) We don't know whether Josh's dad is Jack or the granddad. (The only thing we're reasonably sure of is that Josh's dad isn't his dad, if you know what I mean.)

That's really freaking annoying. I mean, I GET cliffhangers. I get Jack walking off into the sunset and not sure where he's going to land. But if they are not going to continue the other characters, the least they can do is clean up the messes.

I am SOOOO not happy right now.

Reading is Fundamental

2007-05-21T15:32:00.001-04:00

So The Clam tagged me for a book meme. Ahem. Why she would do that is beyond me. I hate to read, and she knows it. Hahahaha. If there were such a thing as book-buyers anonymous, The Clam and I would be attending weekly, although...(get ready to be shocked) she and I went into our local Super Giant Mega Book Store over the weekend and didn't buy anything! (GASP!) Of course, I'm feeling particularly poor because of all the moolah I've laid out for my new home, so that was probably a contributing factor...

Anyway, here's the meme, for better or for worse, and I tag DJ, The Canuck and...Tim Ferguson. Yeah. OK, dudes, show us gals up!

Three works of non-fiction everyone should read:

1. The Bible (along with the Catechism of the Cat'lik Church). Especially if you are not a Catholic, or not a Christian. If you're going to disagree with something, don't you think you ought to know what you are disagreeing with?

2. Theology of the Body by Pope John Paul II. OK, ok, I haven't actually read the book. I have been working on the Intro to the Theology of the Body. It's just that deep. However, I hope to actually scratch the surface of the TOTB within the next year or two. This is one of those things about being a Cat'lik - nothing is easy. As Ven. John Newman said (I wish I could remember it exactly) "Catholicism is a deep subject. You cannot catch it in a teacup."

3. Mere Christianity by CS Lewis. I know - everyone says that one. What can I say? It's a classic for a reason, and when I read it (in college) even though I was already a Christian, it really started me down the road of critical thinking.

Three works of fiction everyone should read:

1. In This House of Brede by Rumer Godden. I don't know how this book escaped me for so long, but now that I have read it, I am anxiously searching out her other faith-themed books. It was poignant and beautiful, and those 600+ pages flew by!

2. The complete works of William Shakespeare. All jokes aside, the man was a truly timeless writer, and he should be read by everyone.

3. The Little House books. OK, they are technically kind of memoirs, but they are also not, and they give us a first class picture of pioneer life. Always a joy to read.

Three authors everyone should read:

1. Fulton Sheen.

2. GK Chesterton.

3. The Pope. Any and all popes.

Three books no one should read:

1. The DaVinci Code. And not just because it's full of blasphemy. Also because it's very badly written. Seriously. The guy writes like a 7th grader. And that's NOT a compliment. I actually tried to read it so I could debate it with various protty family members, and I couldn't get past about page 60. It was horrid. This guy makes the "It was a dark and stormy night" dude look like Shakespeare.

2. Pretty much anything by Garry Wills.

3. Madame Bovary. Wow, a little controversial, huh? I hated this book. Absolutely hated it. Hated it in English, hated it in French. She was spineless, weak and manipulative, and when things didn't go her way, she topped herself. (Oops! Just gave away the ending, so now you don't have to read it!) It was a horrid book, and I came away from it wishing that I could send Scarlett O'Hara over there to smack her around...

Now Who Could Have Seen THAT Coming?

2007-05-15T12:56:00.000-04:00

Well, me actually. (Pause while I shine my MENSA badge.)

"Americans face sizable increases in their grocery bills this year as a boom in ethanol production diverts more corn from the nation's dinner table to its gas tank. Indeed, their pocketbooks could feel the pinch for years to come." The Wall Street Journal

See, here's the thing. If you take FOOD, and turn it into GAS, you are, by definition, reducing the amount of FOOD available. Because of the laws of supply and demand, prices go up.

When they first started talking about ethanol, I remember saying to several people that it was not a good idea to mess with our food supply to provide gas. And corn isn't just a food - it's THE food. It's in everything! (Well, as high fructose corn syrup it is, anyway. Plus we feed it to animals we eat.)

This whole thing is giving me a headache. Here's how my brain train is running:

1. We want to stop buying gas because the arabs are meanie-bobeanies and everybody's complaining about the high cost of gas. (not that I blame them.)
2. We look for an alternate source of energy.
3. We settle on a food crop, thus driving the cost of food way up on top of the cost of gas still being up. (And, BTW, the Wall Street Journal is estimating that food prices will go higher than they are now, and stay up for TEN YEARS.)
4. We get into a situation where people have to gas up their cars to get to work, but cannot afford to pay their bills, buy gas AND feed their families.
5. All of this causes a recession, or, God forbid, a depression.
6. Not only that, but (can I just remind you) that a food crop is vulnerable to weather patterns. Just ask the citrus farmers in Florida. So, when there's a bad year, a drought or whatever, and we are dependent on corn for fuel, what do we do then? We aren't addressing the basic problem - reliance on fuel.

You know, it's really sad that the only econ class I ever took was in high school (and I remember being really confused, largely because the teacher was a sweet old man who should have retired 10 years earlier) and I get this, why don't the people in charge? Why don't people have the sense God gave a squirrel?

Oh, and, in case you love irony, get this:

We used to use sugar in all the places where high fructose corn syrup gets used, right? Remember that? OK. Lots of that sugar was grown in the Philippines, which was an American protectorate. Well, when corporations realized they could use HCFS for way cheaper than sugar, lots of those sugar plantations shut down. Those areas of the Philippines have become hotbeds of Radical Islamists, because when a man doesn't work, he has all kinds of time to get indoctrinated and stuff.

Anyway, here are a couple of links:

http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB117667991954270669-Oglbl5YepJfTYwDNgEWSt54OTB8_20070423.html?mod=regionallinks

http://money.cnn.com/2007/03/29/news/economy/beef_prices/index.htm

The Moralities of House, MD

2007-05-08T12:30:00.000-04:00

While I'm in a TV kind of mood, I wanted to draw your attention to a blog I read regularly, American Papist. Besides the fact that Thomas is a local boy (also from Detroit), he's really S-M-R-T.

http://www.americanpapist.com/blog.html

Anyway, back to my point. Thomas has started a semi-regular feature on his blog, called The Moralities of House. Apparently I can't link directly to the correct posts, but he uses labels, and "House" is one of them...

He's done 3 so far:
The Moralities of House (3x21, "Family")
The Moralities of House (3x20, "House Training")
The Moralities of House (3x19, "Act Your Age")

Check them out. He's much much more cognizent of the ins and outs of moral dilemmas on the show than I am, and I find his comments pretty spot on.

And again, Hugh Laurie is AWESOME! If I'm completely honest, this is one show I try never to miss.

Thomas catches some of the funnier quips from the show, like: "Loss of free will. I like it. Maybe we can get Thomas Aquinas in for a consult."

Of course, I also very much enjoyed when he went shopping for a new cane with Wilson. (Not at a medical supply company. At some sort of goth shop.) The first cane the salesdude showed him was black, with a silver skull for a handle. House says, "No...too Marilyn Manson in a rest home." The second one was (I think) a bull penis stretched over the cane. House's response? "Bull penises are murder." (ie "fur is murder"). What does he end up with? A black cane with flames on the bottom, "because it looks like I'm going really fast!"

Too funny! Long may he reign!

Into Great Silence

2007-05-08T12:05:00.000-04:00

OK, that's a natural segue, right? Violent anti-terrorism, bombs, guns...Carthusian monks.

Well, too bad, because actually the monks came first (in sooo many ways!).

The Clam and I went and saw the foreign film (ooooh, aren't we sophisticated and stuff?) Into Great Silence over the weekend. It's an almost 3 hour long documentary, for lack of a better term, inside a Carthusian monastery in France. Since the monks mostly keep a vow of silence, the movie is mostly silent. By that I mean, there are noises, footsteps, scissors, chopping, etc, but not much talking. It's not for people with ADD.

Now, I actually did fairly well, considering that sitting still for that long is difficult for me. But for me, the peace and joy of the monks really shone through, and so it was a very deep film.

It's hard to vocalize why I liked it. First, it was a beautiful film (well shot, and you have to be a bad photographer indeed to make the Alps look bad!) but it was more than that. It felt...transcendent. Oh, I sound incoherent. Ah well.

Here are a couple of links that you might be interested in reading, if you are thinking of going to see it.

http://www.decentfilms.com/sections/reviews/intogreatsilence.html
http://www.decentfilms.com/sections/articles/groning.html

Last Night's 24 (Spoiler Alert!)

2007-05-08T11:41:00.000-04:00

Random thoughts from last night's 24:

1. When Morris and Potato Face were having their latest awkwardness, and Milo asks "What's going on?" and WON'T DROP IT UNTIL THEY TALK ABOUT IT, I had a weird flashback to 10th grade. Come on! National crisis, national crisis, NATIONAL CRISIS!!! (Side note: I know Chloe is a very popular character, but I really don't see why. Really.)

2. Milo's whole cornering Nadia and saying how hurt he is because he thinks he senses feelings between Nadia and Mike Doyle was really weird and stalky. Seriously. He kissed her like 2 hours ago, and suddenly he's all wounded feelings about Nadia and Doyle? WHAT?

3. But all that gets dealt with nicely, when the Chinese bad guys bust into CTU, and shoot Milo through the head. (Hurray!) Now, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure he's dead. I don't think you walk away from something like that. No more Mr. Stalky! Can you tell I'm not crushed? Actually, they could have taken out Potato Face too. I actually prefer jerky Morris to her. At least he's semi-fun to watch, when he's not whining and feeling sorry for himself. She's just awful.

4. I still think Milo is the mole, though. I mean, since we now know that James Cromwell (Jack's dad) is behind the busting into CTU, and we know how very sentimental he is (not), it would be an obvious move for him have the mole shot.

5. You know, at the beginning of the episode, when Nadia and the guards are talking to Jack after he got locked up again, I was thinking, Gosh, company Christmas parties must be really really awkward at that place, since isn't that the guard that Jack just beat up in the last episode? I mean, how do you put something like that behind you? Then he got shot by the Chinese, and I realized, Jack never has to say he's sorry. Everyone around him ends up dead.

6. Once again, Tom Lennox kicked heiny. The scene where blondie is freaking out because she's scared to try and get info off her russkie-loving boytoy, and he basically says, "Suck it up. You got yourself into this, and I don't feel sorry for you at all" was AWESOME! (Side note: the chick that plays her goes on my list of chicks who need to eat a sandwich, stat. The scene where we see her nude back was creepy. I haven't seen bones that prominent outside of sub-saharan Africa. She makes Callista Flockhart look pudgy. Ick.)

7. Have I mentioned that it rocks that James Cromwell is back?!?!

I guess 2 more episodes left... Can I make out a wish list of characters for them to kill?

Also, an open letter to the 24 folks: I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THE DRAMA OF THEIR RELATIONSHIPS. IF I WANTED THAT, I WOULD WATCH GREY'S ANATOMY. OR DAYS OF OUR LIVES. GIVE ME ACTION, WITH AS LITTLE PERSONAL CRAP AS POSSIBLE. IN FACT, I THINK THAT'S ONE OF THE REASONS "LAW & ORDER" REMAINED SO POPULAR FOR SO LONG. THE PERSONAL STUFF IS RARE. AND IT'S ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS FOR YOU TO EXPECT US TO BUY THE CHLOE AND MORRIS SHOW DURING A NATIONAL CRISIS. SERIOUSLY. CUT IT OUT. THANK YOU.

Eeew, eeew, EEEEEWWWW!!!!

2007-05-07T14:47:00.000-04:00

See, stuff like this really creeps me out!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/05/07/spiderboy.ap/index.html

Doctor finds spiders in ear of boy with earache

ALBANY, Oregon (AP) -- These guys were not exactly Snap, Crackle and Pop.

What began as a faint popping in a 9-year-old boy's ear -- "like Rice Krispies" -- ended up as an earache, and the doctor's diagnosis was that a pair of spiders made a home in the ear.

"They were walking on my eardrums," Jesse Courtney said.(Watch how an earache led to the creepy discovery )

One of the spiders was still alive after the doctor flushed the fourth-grader's left ear canal. His mother, Diane Courtney, said her son insisted he kept hearing a faint popping in his ear -- "like Rice Krispies."

Dr. David Irvine said it looked like the boy had something in his ear when he examined him.

When he irrigated the ear, the first spider came out, dead. The other spider took a second dousing before it emerged, still alive. Both were about the size of a pencil eraser.

Jesse was given the spiders -- now both dead -- as a souvenir. He has taken them to school and his mother has taken them to work.

I Could Listen to Bishop Flores...

2007-05-04T20:04:00.000-04:00

...for hours and hours. Which I did today, as a matter of fact. He led our department's annual retreat day, and he was marvelous!

He gave three talks, each framed around a question, and each question was asked 2 different ways. He was so profound, I sound like a moron trying to relate what he said, so I think I need to let it simmer a couple of days, but there are a couple of things I can put out there now:

1. If the Love of Christ means anything in our lives, it is that we are to be faithful, as faithful as we can be. (He was talking about this in the context of our relationships with other people.)

2. He spoke of Pope Benedict's new book on Jesus Christ. He said that the reason that books like the Da Vinci Code are huge bestsellers is because people are drawn to Christ. They seek him and seek him, even though they may not realize it. He said that we live in a "Christ haunted culture"; the human heart cannot fill its own emptiness. People will reach, even for false images of Christ. Therefore, Benedict says, our job is to present the true Christ, the Christ of the Bible, and people will recognize the authenticity.

3. He also spoke of our culture, and our obsession with entertainment. He said that our country was founded on the pursuit of happiness, and that it has become a mad passion for entertainment. (Doesn't that sound about right?) Why are we so into entertainment? Because we don't want to think about what it's all about - what we're doing here.

Like I said, I could listen to him for hours. What an amazing man!

Shameless plug: he will be one of the speakers at this year's women's conference - be sure to get your tickets early!

I'll try to let the rest of what he said percolate for a couple of days, and maybe I can put it together into something that makes sense, because the notes I was taking today kind of don't. Ahem.

This is Pretty Cool!

2007-05-02T09:16:00.000-04:00

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/05/01/davinci.feature.reut/index.html

OK, ignore the reference to THAT BOOK, and read the article.

Here's an exerpt...

A Scottish church which featured in the bestselling novel "The Da Vinci Code" has revealed another mystery hidden in secret code for almost 600 years.

A father and son who became fascinated by symbols carved into the chapel's arches say they have deciphered a musical score encrypted in them.

Thomas Mitchell, a 75-year-old musician and ex-Royal Air Force code breaker, and his composer and pianist son Stuart, described the piece as "frozen music".

"The music has been frozen in time by symbolism," Mitchell said on his Web site, which details the 27-year project to crack the chapel's code.

"It was only a matter of time before the symbolism began to thaw out and begin to make sense to scientific and musical perception." there's more, just follow the link.

Last Night's 24

2007-05-01T12:34:00.000-04:00

So The Canuck convinced me that I may have just given up on 24 a teeny-weeny bit prematurely, so I tuned back in last week, and again last night.

The show is an After School Special for Why You Don't Fish From The Company Dock.

Exhibit 1: The ongoing drama of Potato Face and Morris (and sometimes Milo). I'm not even certain whether Potato Face and Morris are actually still married, or an example of those seriously delusional "it didn't work the first time we were married, but what the hell, let's try dating anyway!" people. Anyway, at the beginning of the season Chloe and Milo had gone on like 1 date (girls: Milo was being awfully stalky for a 1 date guy, don't you think?) and she was back with Morris...blah blah blah...like sands through the hourglass... Fast forward to now, when they get into a snippy little fight, Chloe says something truly awful, Morris tells her it's over FOR REAL THIS TIME JACKIE BURKHART, and Chloe crys. It takes Nadia, the Muslim who went from being the suspected mole to in charge of CTU on the same day, to tell them to grow up, quit mixing business with pleasure, and focus on the fact that HELLO! They are in the middle of a national crisis! IDIOTS!

Exhibit 2: Then you have the reason Nadia the mole/nonmole is in charge of CTU. The director, Bill Buchanan, got fired. BY HIS WIFE. Who happens to be the National Security Advisor. If you don't think that will affect their marriage, you are more naive that I thought!

Exhibit 3: VP Daniels (Who's Acting President, what with Whiny Wayne in the hospital again), who is apparently a widower, has been... ahem... boinking his secretary, the blonde gal whose name I can never remember. Well, buddy, guess what? She's got a dishy dude on the side, who just happens to be feeding info to the Russians! (oopsie!) And he has to get advice on how to handle this from Tom Lennox. Pretty emasculating.

Exhibit 4: I'm not sure how Jack met Audrey. I'm not sure the background of that whole thing. I just know he was willing to risk an awful lot of people's lives to get her back. And I take that a little personally.

So you see boys and girls, if you work for a large corporation and want to date someone who is not in your own particular division, who you see on the elevator, in the lunch room, at company picnics, that's groovy, baby.

If you are trying to save the world from the scourge of terrorism and nuke-lear weapons, and that person sits at the next terminal or that person is your boss, DON'T GO FOR IT. You will regret it.

Other random musings:

1. I am really liking Tom Lennox.
2. I finally figured it out - Chloe reminds me of Renee Zellweger. She's got the exact same could burst into tears at any moment look on her face. Eewww.
3. I actually really like Nadia too. Throughout the whole season, she has been relatively sane, intelligent, and not getting all wigged out about stuff. Plus she seems to have recovered from the trauma of being roughed up by Ricky Schroder pretty well. As the new leader, she has been decisive and fair. Sure, she was a little wishy-washy last night, but come on: she's like 21, she's been put in charge during a national crisis! All in all, I think she's handling it well. It will suck if she turns out to be the mole. But I don't think she is. I'm still kind of thinking it's Milo.

Are You Able to Comment?

2007-04-30T20:33:00.000-04:00

So I noticed that there haven't been many comments recently, which I took to mean:

1. You are all busy and/or possibly sick
2. You hate me and don't want to post on my stinky blog
3. Something is wrong with blogger. AGAIN.

Well, the other day I got an email from The Canuck saying that he tried to post a reponse to my call for Techhie help, and he kept getting an error.

So I decided that #3 was the correct answer. Hurray! You like me...you really like me!!!

Anyway, to take an informal survey, would you please try to post a response to this post? If you can't do it, please email me at
da(underscore)big(underscore)seester(at)yahoo(dot)com

If enough people tell me that, I guess I will try to switch to another blogging station. (Although, just to make a point, stupid blogger made me "upgrade" to google blogger recently, and I somehow changed my user name to my email address. Yes, the whole thing. No, I don't know how. Yes, I would like The Clam or The Canuck to help me fix it. Yes, I am computer illiterate.)

Eureka! I'm soo geeked!

2007-04-30T20:03:00.000-04:00

I guess today is a blogolicious day.

So, I may have mentioned before that I have a tendency towards thrift. It's not something that really comes naturally to me, at least not from my mom's side of the family. My mother's family was pretty solidly middle class, but lower middle to middle middle, not upper middle. However, they (for 3 generations at least) have always aspired to a little more than what they can afford. It hasn't always been pretty.

My other grandma used to laugh and say that I had champagne tastes on a beer income. (Well, I was a kid, so I didn't have an income. What I had was an uncanny ability to like the most expensive thing, without even seeing prices.)

Anyway, thrift is something I have developed over time. It all started when I was a young adult and got in over my head with credit cards. Store charges mostly, because it was so neat to have my own Lord & Taylor charge. (ahem)

Several years ago, I read a few books about simple living that began to change my perspective. Now, something must be defined here. Simple living can mean different things to different people. There's a magazine called "Real Simple" (which is about $5 a pop!) which is chock full of crap you can buy to make your life "simple." That's not what I'm talking about. I like to call that "Spendthrift Simplicity."

I'm talking about actually simplifying your life. Most of the time, that means "not buying X" (making do with Y instead). It means understanding what is and isn't a bargain. Often, what is thrifty and frugal is also good for the planet (those CFLs are an excellent example). String bags, however, are an example of something that is simple and good for the environment, but not thrifty. After all, I'm not paying for grocery bags. But I did it anyway.

Anyhoo, there are a couple of people that have been giants in my journey towards frugality. One is a woman named Doris Janzen Longacre, who was a Mennonite who wrote two books in the late 70s: Living More with Less and The More with Less Cookbook. Doris sadly died of cancer even before the second book was published. Some of the info is a little dated, but a lot of it is still good.

Also on the list is Amy Daczyzyn. She wrote a newsletter called The Tightwad Gazette for several years, and all the issues are available in a single book format, "The Complete Tightwad Gazette." I own it, and it is one of my favorite books of all times. Every time I crack it open, I find some new info.

The third is a woman called Pat Veretto, who was the "About Guide to Frugal Living" on about.com. I didn't subscribe, but I would go there every few weeks and check stuff out. Well, then one day around January of this year, I went to the page, and she wasn't there, and it said "Interviewing for Replacements" or something.

I was really upset. Really. I mean, I don't know the woman. I never even emailed her. As far as I could tell, she lives in Big Sky Country somewhere (Montana, the Dakotas, Wyoming?), is a Christian of some stripe or another, seemed very maternal (and I mean that as a compliment), and was really REALLY thrifty. And I really liked her. It was kind of like being able to channel my dead grandmother for advice (no, she's not that old - she just seemed friendly, knowledgeable and possessing skills that my grandma had).

Well, the other day, after going back to the about website for the 14th time (just in case I missed something the first 13 times) I decided to google "Pat Veretto" frugal living.

Well, I found her! She has a blog! It's tricky:

http://patverettosfrugalliving.blogspot.com/

I am SOOO geeked! I'm in the process now of:

1. Going back and reading every post.
2. Checking out the sites on her blogroll
3. Drafting a non-stalky email to tell her I'm glad she didn't disappear off the blogosphere (that's harder than it sounds!)

I just thought I'd share the news, share the link, and with gas prices rising again, I think I'll post an occasional thrifty post. (Especially since I just bought a gallon of milk, and it's now $3.25 at Kroger!!!! Did the cows unionize?)

Part Two of My Techhie Woe

2007-04-30T19:53:00.000-04:00

So...when last we left our plucky reporter, she was exhausted and frustrated because she had:

1. Bought a useless Sony DVD/VCR which wasn't an "R"
2. Returned said useless piece of crap
3. Been told by the Salesdude at Worst Buy that she was hopelessly out of date in her choice of technology, and that the only way to remedy this terminal uncoolness was to spend upwards of 1K on new crap (which will be obsolete before you can say Jack Robinson)
4. Went to Target, Kmart and Walmart. Ended up with a nifty new combo TV/DVD/VCR by Magnavox for $170 that is supposed to fill all my needs.
5. Got sopping wet because I did all this in the rain. (Except for buying the original thing, because that was the day before).
6. Realized after trial and error that my nifty new TV/DVD/VCR wouldn't fit in my car. So I called The Clam, got her out of a nice warm bath and made her come rescue me.
7. Got home at 9 at night, cold, wet and hungry.
8. Posted my incredible frustration.

And now... the punchline!

The damn VCR part doesn't work!!! It will play a tape. Audio only. Well, yippee skippy.

So guess what The Clam gets to help me do next?

PIECE OF CRAP.

Another Sheryl Crow Post

2007-04-30T19:35:00.000-04:00

So apparently now Sheryl says the whole "one sheet of TP per sitting" thing was a joke.

But I think that's a fib, and here's why: Go to the link I included on my original post and read the whole thing. Done already? Wow. You're a fast reader. Now let's test your comprehension skills.

Did you see what I saw when I read that? The entire blog is so achingly sincere. I mean, if this was the 1930s, Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland would be telling the gang that they can surely raise enough money to repair the roof of the orphanage if they just threw a big hootenanny in Farmer Clem's barn. Golly gosh gee willikers. It's sooo... earnest.

Now, I'm not criticizing that necessarily. My point is that there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of joking going on.

So, Sheryl, since you appear to be interwebs-impaired, here's a crash course in the blogosphere:

People cannot see your face when you type a blog entry. So, even if you are giggling hysterically as you type, don't automatically assume that everyone is going to get your joke. Therefore, there are methods of ensuring that people "get" your humor:

1. Type the word "grin" at the end of the funny. Like this... grin.
2. You could say "Sarcasm Off" (which indicates that sarcasm was "on" previously
3. You can make a winky face with only 3 keys: the semi-colon, the dash key, and the close parenthesis. Like so ;-)
4. Some modern computing machines will give you choices of funny faces to put into a document. They are called "emoticons." Some people don't like them, but I have it on good authority that those people are Nazis. grin.

See what I did there? I used one of my suggestions!

Try it for next time, mmmkay?

Guess Not...

2007-04-30T19:26:00.000-04:00

So I went down the back stairs to throw in a load of laundry, and no...the wreath o'balls is still on the door. (Cue Bill Murray..Falalala-lala-laLAAAAHHH.)

You know, here's the thing. She can have whatever she wants on HER door (or should I say doors - there's a front one and a back one). So can I. That's fine. And if she wants it to be Christmas in May, whatever.

But the wreath on the door to the building is TACKY and WRONG. Actually, it's doubly tacky, because not only is it out of season (grossly), but there's a PRICE TAG STILL ON IT.

Elvis may or may not be pumping gas in Kalamazoo, but Minnie Pearl is living in my building.

Well Halle-FLIPPING-luia!

2007-04-30T17:30:00.000-04:00

My nutty neighbor has FINALLY taken down the cutesy-wutesy craft sale sleigh with the "Let it Snow!" emblazoned across it from her front door. Well, it's April 30th. Why not? I think it's safe to say that if you want it to snow now, you should live in the Arctic Circle.

I haven't checked the back door to see if the kitschy wreath made completely from Christmas tree ornaments is down; I presume it is...

Now if she would only take down the Christmas wreath from the common front door (you know, the one EVERYONE can see)...

All things considered, that's the one I'd rather she'd focus on...

Canuck, DJ...any Techhies out there, HELP!!!

2007-04-26T21:14:00.000-04:00

AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

OK, jims and sals...either I'm crazy, or everyone else is.

My el cheapo combo DVD player SLASH VCR decided to give up the ghost a couple of days ago. So yesterday, armed with my nifty Consumer Reports info, I went to Best Buy (with The Clam) and purchased a highly rated Sony combo unit (for $95). I thought I was doing great! Sony's a reliable brand, and therefore unlikely to keel over after 18 months like my last piece of crap did (to be fair, I bought said piece of crap cheaply).

The whole thing is complicated by the fact that my TV is (gasp!) 10 years old!

The Horror!!!

You see, I have a larger problem. I am a cheapskate. Thrifty. Frugal. A Tightwad. Or, as I like to refer to it, A Careful Consumer. I am just old-fashioned enough to believe in getting your money's worth, not spending money like water, and all the rest of that stuff.

I know that, very soon, everything is "going digital". I also know that HiDef TVs ROCK! However, I don't see myself spending a grand for a TV. Hello? It's The Boob Tube, People! So my PLAN was to keep my current TV for a couple of more years, until we "go digital" and (hopefully) the price of the HiDefs drops a little, while at the same time they have worked out more of the bugs. Better product for cheaper, right?

Well, the patron saint of television (St. Rita of Cascia? - Tim, am I right there?) wasn't watching out for me.

My DVD/VCR keeled over THREE WEEKS after the new models came in, and my TV won't work with any of them without an adapter. Which wouldn't be the end of the world, but... remember the nifty $95 Sony? Minor detail...this is funny... the VCR doesn't R. That's right. They are marketing it as a Video Cassette Recorder, but it's actually a Video Cassette Player. Minor difference.

See, here's the thing: I don't watch a ton of TV, with a couple of exceptions. One of the big exceptions is TCM (Turner Classic Movies). I loooove old movies. And lots of the best ones are on during the day. So I have a choice: play hooky to watch a movie (in which case, I won't have my job for long) or tape the movie while I'm at work. Now, before you get all judgy, understand that a lot of the movies on TCM are not even AVAILABLE on video, so it's not like I'm trying to get something for free that I could buy. (Besides, I pay for the channel each month.) So, I watch TV, rent DVDs from Netflix, and watch movies that I have taped off TCM. That's IT.

You wouldn't think that what I want is so outmoded, would you? Well, you're WRONG! I might as well have asked for a new Victrola needle! One guy tried to sell me a $300 DVD recorder. (I informed him that I am NOT going to pay $300 for something that is likely to be obsolete in 2 years. Money doesn't grow on trees, you know?)

Anyway, it soon became clear to me that I was going to have to suck it up and buy a new TV. So, for $170, I bought a Magnavox TV/DVD/VCR combo. Yes, I know, combos aren't a good idea. Too flipping bad. Hopefully it will last me a couple of years at least.

Canuck, DJ, anybody: Advice? Comments? Is there a better, a cheaper way for me to do this? The TVs (not HiDef either) weren't a whole lot cheaper than what I bought. I still have the receipt, so, I can return it...

And, BTW, I went to Best Buy, Target and WalMart.

I don't understand how these corporations think that anyone can afford to replace their technology so often, as well as pay through the nose for cable, TiVo etc...

Is there a better option than what I chose?

Any feedback would be very helpful. If you find any typos, keep it to yourself. I'm not in the mood.

Update on Sheryl Crow

2007-04-23T15:16:00.000-04:00

OK, I am so not talented like this (from IMAO.US):

It's her potty, and she'll cry if she wants to...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:40 PM | View blog reactions
Sheryl Crow demands a limit on toilet paper.

But that doesn't mean she can't sing about the glory days or a roll-a-pottybreak, right?

I would have given you all of my roll but there's someone who's being a butthole and she's taking almost all that I've got but if you want, I'll try to wipe again baby I'll try to wipe again but I know
The first butt is the deepest, baby I know
The first butt is the deepest
'cause when it comes to switching rolls, she's cursed
when it comes to leaving seats up, he's worst
but when it comes to leaving floaters, she's first
that's how I know

The first butt is the deepest, baby I know
The first butt is the deepest

I still want you by my toilet's side
just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
cause I'm sure gonna get some two-ply
and if you want, I'll try to wipe again
but baby, I'll try to wipe again, but I know

The first butt is the deepest, baby I know
The first butt is the deepest
'cause when it comes to switching rolls, she's cursed
when it comes to leaving seats up, he's worst
but when it comes to leaving floaters, she's first
that's how I know

The first butt is the deepest, baby I know
The first butt is the deepest

Now, some people can take a song (like The First Cut is the Deepest) and rework the lyrics to suit their mood. Tim F. is one semi-regular reader of this blog who has this gift. I am not one of those people, except for really inane TV theme songs (and then only the first verse). But I thought this was quite funny (and only slightly disgusting).

I guess I'm not really enough of a fan of Sheryl Crow's music to even be able to sing the tunes to most of her stuff. I WILL say that when I first heard about the original story, my first thought had to do with her song "Steve McQueen" where she (or probably a stunt double) drove a vintage Mustang fast and irresponsibly. When the song came out, I had a brief moment of liking her, because of the Steve McQueen reference. But of course, we cannot drive vintage cars around, because they guzzle gas and they don't have the thingie in them (ack! I hate it when I can't think of the word...came out in the late 70s...total brain fart!).

I actually had a guy stop in a parking lot to gripe at those of us who were ooohing and aaaahing at a classic 50s car, telling us how TERRIBLE it is that anyone would even THINK of driving one of those dinosaurs today. ARGH!

Why don't we all just sit in caves in the dark for the rest of our lives?!?!

Carbon Offsets = Indulgences

2007-04-23T13:01:00.000-04:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carbon_offset

Money quote: "Many environmentalists disagree with the principle of carbon offsets. George Monbiot, an English environmentalist and writer, has compared carbon offsets to the practice of purchasing Indulgences during the Middle Ages, whereby people with money could purchase forgiveness for their sins (instead of actually repenting and not sinning anymore). Monbiot also says that carbon offsets are an excuse for business as usual with regards to pollution.[15] To date, no authoritative studies have been performed concerning offset buyers' behavior (e.g., whether they take other measures to reduce their CO2 output.)"

Also, read this article about Al Gore and his carbon offsets, wherein he uses as much power as he wants, then purchases carbon offsets from a company he owns, thereby enriching himself even more. It's brilliant! I mean, Monty Burns dastardly! Meanwhile, Dubya's mansion in Texas is much more eco-friendly than Al Gore's mansion in Tennessee. And the MSM isn't paying attention? I don't believe it!

http://www.investors.com/editorial/editorialcontent.asp?secid=1501&status=article&id=258075474834657

Carbon Offsets: Al Gore's Big Easy
INVESTOR'S BUSINESS DAILY

Posted 3/6/2007

Environmentalism: Gore's carbon footprint may be the size of Godzilla's, but he eases his conscience with 'carbon offsets.' He buys them from himself. And every time someone else buys them, Big Al gets richer.

Whoda thunk it? Former oilman George Bush, scourge of the environment, lives in a house more eco-friendly than Al Gore, a dwelling that would make Hollywood eco-activist Ed Begley, star of HGTV's 'Living With Ed,' drool.

When Dubya spends time at his Crawford ranch, he's in a single-story, 4,000-square-foot limestone house that a 2001 article in USA Today described as an 'eco-friendly haven.' Even David Roberts, staff writer for the online environmental magazine Grist has called the energy efficiency of the president's home as 'fantastic.'

As USA Today described it: 'Wastewater from showers, sinks and toilets goes into purifying tanks underground — one tank for water from showers and bathroom sinks, which is called 'gray water,' and one tank for 'black water' from the kitchen and toilets.' The purified water is funneled to the cistern with the rainwater.

In addition, 'the Bushes installed a geothermal heating and cooling system, which uses about 25% of the electricity that traditional heating and cooling systems use.' As Marlo Lewis, a senior fellow at the Competitive Enterprise Institute, noted: 'It's interesting that Bush seems to actually practice conservation, while Gore seems to want to buy his way out of his obligations.'

Lewis was referring to the buying and selling of 'carbon offsets,' a mechanism that allows Gore's home to consume 20 times as many kilowatt-hours as the average American's. It allows gluttonous energy consumers like Gore to ease their conscience while doing absolutely nothing to curb their own energy use.

Say you want to fly your Gulfstream private jet across the country regularly to Hollywood premieres instead of taking a Greyhound bus. You buy a carbon offset, giving money to people who will do something like invest it in windmills and solar panels to 'reduce' carbon emissions by an equivalent amount. Your are then declared 'carbon neutral' as you continue to pollute.

Speaking of carbon offsets and shell games, guess where Gore buys his carbon offsets? Well, he buys them from a firm call Generation Investment Management LLP, a tax-exempt U.S. 501(c)3 corporation. The chairman and co-founder is Al Gore. In other words, he buys his carbon offsets from himself. Others who buy these offset are really buying stock in Gore's growing business. You, too, can green up his portfolio, if not Earth itself.

The number of companies jumping into this market has multiplied. In 2006, at least 60 sold offsets worth about $110 million to consumers in Europe and North America in 2006, up from a dozen firms selling offsets worth $6 million in 2004. That's a lot of green.

We recently wrote about the conscience-easing of folks like a San Jose State professor who can continue to drive her Lexus guilt-free because she made a contribution to a San Francisco company called TerraPass. It takes her money and invests in wind power and ways to reduce farm pollution, giving her a sticker to put on her car.

Skeptics of this scheme — perhaps we should call it a scam — include, interestingly enough, Steve Rayner, a senior professor at Oxford and a member of a group working on the reduction of greenhouse gases for the U.N.'s International Panel of Climate Change. 'What these companies are allowing people to do,' said Rayner, 'is to carry on with their current behavior with a clear conscience.'

There's a word for this — hypocrisy. The only one with a clear conscience should be Bush, friend of Earth.

Sheryl Crow Fell Off the Deep End

2007-04-23T12:39:00.000-04:00

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/21/AR2007042101385_pf.html

This just has to be read to be believed. Sheryl Crow has LOST IT.

Exhibit 1: I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Exhibit 2: I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve." The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.

Let me get this straight. You want us to use only 1 square of TP per trip to the john. OK. No problem. Just know that I will be using 4 times the amount of soap and water to wash my hands with afterwards. Hope that's not a problem for you...

You want to revert to using our sleeves to wipe our mouths with at meals? Devolution, anyone? (Perhaps she's never heard of that nifty new invention, cloth napkins?)

Meanwhile, in the "the irony is so deep you could drown in it" category:

"Singer Sheryl Crow and environmentalist Laurie David have been traveling across America on a two-week Stop Global Warming College Tour" (on a biodiesel BUS).

"This next idea I have been saving but I will share it with you if you promise not to steal it. It is my latest, very exciting idea for creating incentive for us all to minimize our own personal carbon footprints. It's a reality show. (I feel pretty certain NO ONE has thought of this yet!) Here is the premise: the contest consists of 10 people who are competing for the top spot as the person who lives the "greenest" life. This will be reflected in the contestant's home, his business, and his own personal living style. The winner of this challenging, prestigious, contest would receive what??. . . . a recording contract!!!!!"

Just because the bus is biodiesel doesn't make it OK to drive all over the damn country! (Although it's a step up from David Suzuki, who didn't even use a biodiesel for his CC tour of Canada.) But still: TV, radio, internet, email...ringing any bells?

I have a better idea for the reality show, Sheryl: you, John Travolta, Barbra Streisand, and 7 other celebrities walking your talk for a month. No private jets, no tour buses, no yachts, etc.

That way we don't have to deal with yet another no-talent celebretainer inserting himself (or herself) into our lives. I cannot handle the sheer quantity of celebretainers already foisting themselves on me.

The really sad part is that these people (celebrities) are so incredibly narcissistic that they really don't see how very hypocritical they are. They genuinely don't see it. Of course, they don't see the hypocrisy of carbon offsets either.

Jews Shouldn't Be on the Supreme Court

2007-04-23T12:24:00.000-04:00

Oh, I'm sorry. I misread it. What Rosie actually said was that CATHOLICS shouldn't be allowed on the Supreme Court.

http://newsbusters.org/node/12157

But of course, it's OK to say things like that about Catholics. Why would we be offended by that? She's not a bigot.

Unless you say the same sentence and just substitute the word Jew or Black.

File Under: Smoked Too Many Doobies in the 60s

2007-04-20T15:54:00.000-04:00

Many moons ago, when I mentioned to my seester (not The Clam, the other one) that I was going to rent "The Wall" (the Pink Floyd movie), she told me that, unless I was planning on getting stoned first, the movie wouldn't make sense to me. I scoffed at her, but at the same time never rented the movie. Well, now I understand what she was saying. There are things which (apparently) make perfect sense when you're stoned out of your gourd that are beyond those of us in the sober world...

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/18/commentary.plate/index.html

Plate: Let's lay down our right to bear arms

This was the part that really got me:

"Let me explain. Some misguided people will focus on the fact that the 23-year-old student who killed his classmates and others at Virginia Tech was ethnically Korean. This is one of those observations that's 99.99 percent irrelevant. What are we to make of the fact that he is Korean? Ban Ki-moon is also Korean! Our brilliant new United Nations secretary general has not only never fired a gun, it looks like he may have just put together a peace formula for civil war-wracked Sudan -- a formula that escaped his predecessor.

"So let's just disregard all the hoopla about the race of the student responsible for the slayings. These students were not killed by a Korean, they were killed by a 9 mm handgun and a .22-caliber handgun."

I'm sorry - I know I haven't been following the story 24/7 like a good little girl, but who exactly is focusing on the fact that the shooter is Korean? (Except for Koreans themselves, who are apparently mortified that one of their number could do such a thing. I simply found it hugely ironic that, much like SAT scores, Asians even out-performed your average white guy in this horror. Bell Curve, indeed.)

OK. That was tasteless.

But back to my point. What in the hell is this guy talking about? Does anyone have a clue? And does the fact that the new SG of the UN is Korean, and ostensibly a nice person, somehow exempt all Koreans from committing crimes?

I'm not trying to get in the middle of the whole gun control argument. I think it's tacky to discuss this this early - kind of like the people who asked, when I told them my aunt had lung cancer, "Does she smoke?!"

As far as the issue goes, I know where I stand and why, and I'm so over having this debate, because nobody has the slightest intention of even listening to the opposition with an open mind any more. So why should I waste my breath trying to make my point?

Besides which, 2 guns did not wake up one fine morning and decide that they wanted to take down some college kids. That's absurd. And the kids weren't killed by a Korean. They were killed by a mentally disturbed person. That he was born in Korea is beside the point. That Ban-ki-Moon is Korean is beside the point. That he may have come up with a peace plan for Sudan is beside the point (and I'll believe that when I see it).

The guy was sick in the head. He killed them. That's the point. Period.

Another Uncool Victorian Poem

2007-04-20T14:56:00.000-04:00

This is another one of my favorites from my grandmother's poetry book...

Be Strong by Maltbie Davenport Babcock

Be strong!
We are not here to play, to dream, to drift;
We have hard work to do, and loads to lift;
Shun not the struggle-- face it; 'tis God's gift.

Be strong!
Say not the days are evil. Who's to blame?
And fold not the hands and acquiesce-- O shame!
Stand up, speak out, and bravely, in God's name.

Be strong!
It matters not how deep entrenched the wrong,
How hard the battle goes, the day, how long;
Faint not-- fight on! To-morrow comes the song.

In the meantime...

2007-04-20T14:21:00.000-04:00

As regular readers of this blog know, I love old movies. Back when movie stars had talent, and (for the most part anyway) knew to keep their mouths shut about political crap they knew nothing about. I have no clue how Humphrey Bogart voted, and I don't want to know.

Well, one of my favorite movie stars is Doris Day (Watch it! Hey, I'm Doris Day. I was not brought up that way. Won't come across, even Rock Hudson lost his heart to Doris Day...) She's both a talented comedian and dramatic actress, as well as a great singer and terrific dancer. As well as a genuinely nice person.

Well, in the late 60s, when she was wrapping up her movie career (because she seemed so anachronistic with her cleanliness and perkiness and nice-girl-ness, what with all the free-living, non-bathing, mellowed-out pot-smoking hippies out there), her husband signed her to a contract to do a TV show. (The marriage had problems.) She found out about it, but, since she had made a commitment, however unknowingly, she honored it. (See what I mean about anachronistic?)

It was called The Doris Day Show and the first season was on in 1968 (if I remember my Roman numerals, which I do). The first season didn't do great in the ratings, and if I remember correctly, she worked with the producers to change the show around for the second season, and it was a much bigger success.

However, what I have from Netflix right now is the first disc of the first season, so that's what I'm here to preach on today. She's a widow with 2 kids, who lives with her dad, Denver Pyle (better known as Uncle Jesse to those of us Gen-Xers), her two sons (neither one of whom I recognize, and I can only hope they didn't hold up a 7-11 for drug money), and a housekeeper and farm hand. Oh, and a dog, Lord Nelson.

It's an interesting cultural study, seeing as it was on the air before I was born and all. There's an episode where her sons want to take her out to a fancy dinner for her birthday, with money they earned themselves. (It turns out to be a steakhouse, and they don't have enough money, and ...)

But the episode that really interested me was called "The Friend." It seems that the mothers at the school had a fundraiser for "The Milk Fund" (which is apparently to ensure that all kids at school get a pint of milk a day) and somehow, they don't have the money. Then a friendly local dairyman says he will donate the milk to the school, on one condition: Doris and her kids must pose for his new milk ad. (Get your mind out of the gutter, people! It's all very sweet.) But then his ad man informs them that studies have shown that people want to see ads with a mom and 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. Well, Doris doesn't have any daughters. The ad man wants to get professional models to play the kids, but the dairyman and Doris have a better idea. Have the sons each bring home a friend from school.

Can you see where this is going? Yes, that's right. One of the boys brings home a little black girl, because she's his friend. And the ad man freaks out, and wants Doris to tell the little girl that she can't be in the picture.

We end up at the dairyman's office, with the ad man and Doris having a discussion about it. What I find fascinating about the scene is what wasn't said. There were no big speeches, there was no breast-beating, Doris didn't screech like a hyena (Doris never screeches like a hyena). She's very calm, and very quiet, and at the same time very compelling. And instead of coming up with a non-solution which pleases nobody, she comes up with a solution which pleases everybody.

I was really impressed. When this was playing out, I was thinking to myself, Good grief! I can't believe this! I have done my level best to ignore the whole Imus/Duke fracas over the last few days, and now this? But it was really fascinating. And you must keep in mind this is 1968, so I'm thinking after MLK and Malcolm X were killed, etc.

And, as she always does, Doris shows the way to behave that is classy and dignified and yet still able to get her point across. Why do I have a recurring fantasy of a Clockwork Orange-esque scene with Rosie O'Donnell tied to a chair, forced to watch Doris until she learns how to behave with a modicum of dignity?

Update on 24

2007-04-20T14:01:00.000-04:00

Well, it was brief but glorious. I have already lost interest in the show everyone assures me is the best show ever.

I haven't even seen in for the last 2 or 3 weeks. It isn't even that I haven't been home. (I mean, it's 9 pm on Monday night - where am I going to be? I'm mature enough now (read: old and boring) to realize that if I don't get to bed by a reasonable time early in the week, I'm toast by Friday.) I just don't care about the show. I do kind of feel like a heretic, but I will not eat green eggs and ham...

I heard somewhere that the Black Donnellys was cancelled, but I don't know that's true. Needless to say, my interest in that show peaked the first night and went downhill from there.

And CBC has sent Coronation Street to the Sunday 7:30 am ghetto until hockey playoffs are over. Now THAT bothers me.

It's a funny thing about TV. I like TV. Well, let me qualify that. I am not the sort of person who sniffs, "I NEVER watch television. (I'm too busy reading Kafka, or Ayn Rand or whatever.)" But most of the shows that are on don't thrill me. I've already said that I don't like reality TV. I try to never watch the news, not the least of which because most the brains of most "news commentators" these days can barely support the weight of their hair.

But the shows I like, I really like. I especially like comedies, although it seems that the only funny comedies on television these days are cartoons. And I enjoy a good mystery. (But CSI doesn't particularly appeal to me. The writers of that show only seem interested in showing the rest of the nation that Calipornia and New York aren't the only depraved places in the USA. Good to know, and yet another reason my tourism money won't be going to Vegas anytime this century.)

I really enjoy Law & Order (especially the Jerry Orbach episodes) but usually turn off the show halfway through, because watching the weasely lawyers trying to get their clients off gets my goat.

But I don't generally make it a point to sit down and watch a show every week. You know, how people used to say "OK. It's Wednesday at 8:30. Ozzy and Harriet is on." (Or whatever.) So actually making an effort to sit down and watch 24 proved too much for me. I think I'm going to follow the advice of a guy I was talking to on the bus. (No, it didn't involve a tin foil helmet - this was a suburban bus!) He said he never watches 24 during the season. He rents the old season from Netflix. That way he doesn't have to deal with commericals, waiting between episodes etc. Plus it seems like less of a demand on his time.

I think I'll try that. And if The Canuck is to be believed, last season (5) is the one to start with.

Regarding Virginia Tech

2007-04-18T16:19:00.000-04:00

I haven't really wanted to post much about this, because the internet is full of people's opinions...and really, it's too early to form opinions about this. There ought to be a self-imposed moratorium before spewing about stuff like this to the world at large, because we are too close to what happened at this point.

Besides the obvious feelings of deep sorrow and grief for the victims and their families (and in a sense all the students of Virginia Tech are victims of this), and,yes, sorrow for his family, because they will likely spend the rest of their lives blaming themselves for not doing X, Y and Z differently, I really only have two things to say about this at this point in time.

1. NBC should never have shown that video. I don't say this from a legal standpoint; I'm sure they were in their legal rights to do it. I don't say that from the "other sickos are going to get ideas from this" standpoint, although that's probably true also. I don't even say that from the perspective of "you're victimizing the VT kids again."

I say that because those images should not be allowed into anyone's psyche. They affect us. And not in a good way. A few years ago, when a hostage (Nicholas Berg?) was beheaded and the video made its way to the internet, I didn't watch it. But I knew people who did, and they all said the same thing: I wish I had never seen it. But the damage was done and they couldn't erase the image from their minds. It haunted them.

There is evil in the world. Some of us participate in it knowingly, and others get poisoned by it like so much carbon monoxide. The end result is the same: you let that stuff into your head, and it will never let go. I had a friend who saw one of the Faces of Death videos as a teenager, and she still had nightmares about it years later. Listen, life is hard enough. Don't borrow trouble. You'll have enough of your own. If you haven't watched the video footage, I implore you: DON'T.

2. I'm sure many stories about heroism in the face of this monstrosity will surface in the coming weeks, but I am so touched by the sacrifice made by Professor Liviu Librescu. As I'm sure you have heard by now, he was a 76-year old Holocaust survivor who used himself as a barricade so his students could get away. It cost him his life. I heard one person say that he was a true gentleman, and that is clearly true.

I have a book of poems that was my grandmother's. I love it, because it's full of uncool poems by Victorian poets. There are poems about strength of purpose, duty, morality. It's great stuff. (But why would we read THAT, when we can read some piece of non-rhyming crap about how sucky life is?)

One of my favorite poems in the book is below, and I really see this applying to Professor Librescu, although I never met him. May God welcome His son Liviu into Heaven, and wipe away his tears. And may God bless his wife and family, and be with them in their grief.

"How Did You Die?" by Edmund Vance Cooke

Did you tackle that trouble that came your way
With a resolute heart and cheerful?
Or hide your face from the light of day
With a craven soul and fearful?
Oh, a trouble's a ton, or a trouble's an ounce,
Or a trouble is what you make it.
And it isn't the fact that you're hurt that counts,
But only how did you take it?

You are beaten to earth? Well, well, what's that?
Come up with a smiling face.
It's nothing against you to fall down flat,
But to lie there--that's disgrace.
The harder you're thrown, why the higher you bounce;
Be proud of your blackened eye!
It isn't the fact that you're licked that counts;
It's how did you fight and why?

And though you be done to death, what then?
If you battled the best you could;
If you played your part in the world of men,
Why, the Critic will call it good.
Death comes with a crawl, or comes with a pounce,
And whether he's slow or spry,
It isn't the fact that you're dead that counts,
But only, how did you die?

Eat Like an Edwardian

2007-04-12T14:34:00.000-04:00

A fascinating article on the London Times website. I know that people used to eat like this, but it doesn't want to sink in...

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/healthy_eating/article1640930.ece

"There can have been no better time for a chap like me to be alive. So what an enormous stroke of luck that the BBC were looking for someone to send back to that very era — to live, dress, exercise, eat and drink like an Edwardian man of means — to find out what it did to his girth, his arteries, his inner organs, his digestion, his mood, his very soul. Some guinea pigs might have been daunted by the prospect of four whopping meals a day, rivers of grog and hardly any fruit, vegetables or water for an entire week. But not I.

"I just couldn’t wait for them to Edwardian Supersize Me..."

But afterwords he says:

"As for Dr Petty, he was not amused. He found that although I had put on only a pound in weight, my body fat had increased by an extraordinary 10 per cent over the week, with corresponding declines in muscle mass and water content."

Can you believe that? In one week! ICK!

My Virgin Voyage with the String Bags

2007-04-12T13:02:00.000-04:00

So my string bags came Monday. Yesterday I needed to go to the grocery store, and decided that this would be a perfect time to test them out. I planned ahead, and brought them in my work bag with me. It was a good test, because I needed to get some heavy stuff: OJ, baby carrots, bananas and beef broth, as well as eggs, which are delicate.

First of all, the weather was not cooperating, because yesterday was cold and rainy. I got off the bus at my stop, and walked over to the Krogers. I used their cute little plastic basket to gather my things. Here’s what I bought:

Bananas, mushrooms, 1 lb. baby carrots, goat cheese, bread, 1 qt. beef broth (in a box, not a can), ½ gallon OJ, 1 dozen eggs and 1 gallon milk (it was on sale). I went up to a register (I didn’t self check out because I had old bananas, which I thought might be cheaper. They weren’t. Since when do they not give you a break on old bananas?)

I whipped out my bags and prepared to load, when (surprise, surprise) a bag boy came to pack my stuff. These days it’s a toss-up whether you will have to pack your own groceries. I handed him my bags, and he said (are you ready for this?)

“Uhhh, you want to use these bags? They seem like they are going to rip.”

ARGH! As someone who spent my hard-earned money on these string bags after numerous horrible experiences with Krogers cheap-youknowwhat bags, this really cheesed me off. I have chased oranges down the driveway, had apples so badly bruised that they were terminal, had to pick up numerous things that fell out of the bags, etc. I was furious and yet enjoying the irony at the same time.

I looked at him, and seriously pondered going off on how Kroger has progressively made their bags thinner, to the point where they now rip if you look at them cross-eyed. But then I thought, he’s like 16. He doesn’t care, and he has less than zero control of how Kroger Corporation makes policy decisions. So I didn’t let him have it. (Pause while I adjust my halo.)

I instead explained (politely) that they have been using these bags in Europe for years, and that they are guaranteed to hold 40 lbs. each. He said OK, and he, the cashier and I actually got into a brief discussion about the recent rulings in SanFran and Portland regarding plastic bags. (Which, of course, has nothing to do with my string bags, but it seemed more polite than, “Your bags are crap, CRAP I say!”)

I left the store with the long-handled bag over my shoulder, the short-handled bag in my right hand, and the gallon of milk in my left hand. It was still raining. Cold rain. But I gritted my teeth and went for it. If Hetty Wainthropp*** can do it at 60, then I certainly can do it at 30-and change.

I made it home, damp but triumphant, with all eggs intact, and the bread not squished. All in all, I think the bags work, and do what they are supposed to do. Hurray! I’m not relishing having to have a conversation with every cashier and bag boy at Krogers about how the bags ARE secure, but overall I would call this a success.

***Hetty Wainthropp is a character on a British detective series of the same name, starring Patricia Routledge as the title character. (Most Americans know Ms. Routledge as Hyacinth Bucket, pronounced bou-quet. As funny as she is in Keeping Up Appearances, I prefer her as the down-to-earth, no-nonsense Hetty Wainthropp.) The series is enjoyable and well worth checking out. Netflix has it. I'm just saying.

Say it Ain't So, Fred!

2007-04-11T14:46:00.000-04:00

Fred Thompson has just revealed that he has been battling cancer for 2 years:

http://www.redstate.com/stories/elections/2008/what_you_need_to_know

On the other hand, what he has is called an indolent lymphoma, which is apparently very slow growing and not life-threatening. People usually die of old age before they die of it. Which is good, both for him and for the country, if he can still get elected.

Again, my favorite funny conservative blog, imao.us has the best line:

Lymphoma Has Made the Wrong Enemy

Posted by Frank J. at 02:06 PM
View blog reactions

Fred Thompson has revealed he has lymphoma (if Red State has recovered from being linked by The Drudge Report, Fred Thompson wrote about it in a post there). It's in remission and has no effect on him (because, of course, he's Fred Thompson). I've never publicly said so, but I'm kinda excited about the idea of a Fred Thompson candidacy, so I hope the fact that he's putting this information out is an indication he's planning on running.

I'm sure you will all join me in wishing Fred Thompson the best, but
you should also know that he spits on our well-wishes because he doesn't need them. He's Fred Thompson. (end quote)

****************
Well, all I can say is: best wishes to Sen. Thompson and his family, and I sincerely hope that this will neither dissuade him from running nor dissuade people from voting for him.

Other Favorite Mr. Burns Quotes

2007-04-11T12:48:00.000-04:00

Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun.

Ironic, isn't it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.

I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.

I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there's too many fat children.

What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh. Hmmm, why here's the fellow ... Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.

Well, that's odd ... I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers - have him beaten to a pulp.

Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!

Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.... Layabouts.... Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.

We must crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.... In that I mean, it's time for the worker of the week award.

Hmmm. . . eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd rather keep the dollar.

Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There's a "New" Mexico?

And a couple of random funnies:

Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder, really, what IS that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

And one by Kent Brockman: Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

AND, here's a Forbes "profile" of Mr. Burns, which is pretty funny: http://www.forbes.com/2005/12/06/montomery-burns-wealt_cx_de_05fict15_1206burnsprofile.html

DJ, Mrs DJ, Fred Thompson and Me

2007-04-11T12:31:00.000-04:00

So regular reader DJ (and the lovely Mrs. DJ) have asked why I am such a Fred D. Thompson fan. AND, they have used The Hon. Gentleman from Tennessee in a (very funny) tree-hugging joke against a certain Republican Who Thinks Recycling Is Stupid (me). They got me some biodegradable cleaning supplies as a housewarming gift. This concerns me, because if the mere Earth can degrade these cleaning supplies, what will GERMS be able to do to them? Will the cleaning supplies cower in fear as the germs take over my once happy home? Will my home become disease central, with ebola and the black plague running rampant? Perhaps if I mix them with some Clorox...

However, it was very thoughtful of them and completely unexpected. And of course, I find their naivete touching. They don't recognize the threat that germs are in this world. They seem to think that if we want peace with the germs, the germs will want peace with us. The grapefruit scented stuff does smell pretty good though...

Once again, my all-time favorite Mr. Burns quote: (all together now) "Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she’s losing. Well I say, hard cheese."

Seriously though, I read a wonderful editorial on the blog imao.us recently, which talked about the concerns many people were expressing about certain animals, bugs and plants becoming extinct. They came up with a list of animals that are actually useful and enjoyed by people (and not just for eating). There were about 5 animals on the list. (NOTE: Cats should be included. Frank just likes to goof on cats.) And as for bugs, well come on. We've all had otherwise wonderful summertime events ruined by crawling (or, worse yet, flying) things. And if we could get rid of the poppy, coca plant and cannibis, our War on Drugs (TM) would get a lot easier. Then we could focus on the War on Cough Syrup (and whatever else goes into making Meth).

Here's the link:
http://www.imao.us/archives/007570.html

But the real point of this post is: a few posts ago, DJ wondered WHY (besides his obvious super-coolness) I want Fred Thompson to be our next president.

Since I know that Democrats get twitchy when they have to read long stuff, I will keep this short and sweet.

I want Fred Thompson to be president because:
*He is SMRT (yes, that's on purpose, Homer!)
*He has been very consistent about what he is for/against, unlike 99.9% of politicians out there, who change with the wind. And I agree with most everything he is for/against.
*He is generally viewed as a straight shooter by other politicians (as opposed to, say, Bill Clinton, who had acquired a nickname by his fellow politicians that was a little too reminiscent of Tricky Dick, even for a young college kid like me).
*(And it's sad that this should even have to be a factor) He has name recognition - the fact that he's an actor will help get him votes.
*Fortunately, however, he was a lawyer and a senator first, so he's not just an actor. He has chops.
*He doesn't seem to suffer fools gladly, which is important to me (and part of the "straight shooter" factor).
*His wife is an intelligent professional woman in her own right, and not just arm candy.
*He seems stable and confident, assertive but not hyper. A real man, if you will.
*He has some experience under his belt, which is important. I know hippies used to say not to trust anyone over 30 (which is pretty pathetic because they are now 60 and still want to dictate every aspect of our culture to us), but when it comes to the people who run the country (or state, or city) I don't trust anyone under 30. I'm sorry. You must have life experience to make the tough decisions.

Last Night's "House" and Bad Advice

2007-04-11T12:03:00.000-04:00

So last night's dual storyline was dumb on a couple of levels. First, the team was split up. House and Cuddy were flying back from a medical symposium in Asia (I kind of zoned out there, as I tend to do when Cuddy talks, but I think it was a WHO symposium on pandemics. OK, 1) Isn't the WHO (not the band, the World Health Organization) part of the UN? If so, then why wasn't the symposium in either New York or Brussels? 2) I get it - Bird Flu, Asia, pandemic conference. But since the furthest west the Bird Flu has come is Turkey (hahaha) again, WHY? You are going to have a symposium of the smartest medical minds in the world smack dab in the one part of the world where the pandemic hangs out? Are you challenging the disease to a smackdown? Do diseases enjoy irony?)

Anyway, I think it was just part of building up the "why House and Cuddy are on an airplane heading back from Asia" thing. Sometimes I over think these things instead of going with the flow.

The other storyline had to do with the remnants of the team: The Three Stooges and Wilson. Their patient is a 60ish woman (who I swear was Ellen Travolta) who collapses at her home. Now, the person who called it in was apparently a lesbian prostitute that Ellen had hired. As they are trying to figure out what is wrong with her, she confesses that she went to Caracas recently (a crisis having to do with turning the same age her mother was when she died) where she not only drank the water and ate salad, she got a tattoo, got drunk, snorted cocaine off a gay man's stomach and did the nasty with El Gordo. She explains that she never does stuff like this and it was stupid. Dr Wilson leaves, looking a little shell-shocked, and she says to the hooker, "It's my fault I'm sick, isn't it? I can't believe I was so stupid."

And the hooker says, "No, it's not your fault."

OK. First of all, if I were you, I wouldn't take advice about whether behaviors have consequences from a prostitute. She's not the best person to ask.

Second of all, it could be the reason. (Turns out it wasn't, but still.) You don't have to do stupid things constantly for 60 years in order for the consequences to bite you. Sure, sometimes you dodge the bullets. But other people are actually unlucky enough to get pregnant the first time, or get a disease. Or, like me, get mugged the one time they get gas after dark.

To my mind, the "don't feel bad because you're sick, even though you just acted like a drunken sailor. It's not your fault" concept is really irresponsible. Bad things do happen to good people. And bad people. And indifferent people. But your choices can make a difference.

All in all, last night's episode was a let down, especially after last week's really thoughtful episode.

The Canuck to the Rescue!

2007-04-10T16:21:00.000-04:00

So my good buddy North of the Border has rescued me! Several of my posts "disappeared" recently, but he was able to send them to me so I could re-post them. After all, I cannot be expected to recreate such brilliance. Besides, once Sybil takes over, I have no recollection of what she says.

So here they are again, with the original post dates noted.

If they disappear again, I'll know that blogger is a wholly-owned subsidiary of AOLTimeWarner, who also has the original Zapruder tapes.

I'm just saying.

Free Speech forever! and I'll post something truly new tomorrow. I'm working on a discussion of DJ & Mrs. DJ's very thoughtful hippie housewarming gift, which will segue into a Fred Thompson post.

Things will get easier once I get my new computer, and I won't be limited to posting on lunch.

Huh. Whaddaya Know?

2007-04-10T16:20:00.000-04:00

Huh. Whaddaya Know? - Originally posted April 3

OK, so, after thinking about it for awhile, I did go ahead and order those nifty European string bags. (see previous post...here. Crazy Train https://www2.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=37043771&postID=116621561474074283)

I try to give myself a 30 day cooling off period before I buy anything, because you have much less morning after regret that way. Well, considering that my original post was in December, I think I did OK. Plus I had an unfortunate incident with a grocery bag the other day, so that spurred me to action.

Anyway, I placed the order yesterday, and today I got an email from the company, telling me that "my order has been fulfilled." Yup. FULFILLED. Ohhhkaaaayyyy, thought I. That's a little arrogant. Dreams get fulfilled, not orders for shopping bags. Are they illiterate, or am I about to learn something new? So, I did exactly what my dad has told me constantly since I was 5 - I looked it up!

And what do you think? One of the definitions IS: to execute, as in to meet the requirements of a business order.

See? You DO learn something new each day!

From The "Those Who Ignore History" File

2007-04-10T16:18:00.000-04:00

From The "Those Who Ignore History" File - Originally posted April 2

I can never remember who said that those who ignore history are condemned to repeat it...http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/education/article1600686.ece

"Teachers are dropping controversial subjects such as the Holocaust and the Crusades from history lessons because they do not want to cause offence to children from certain races or religions, a report claims.

A lack of factual knowledge among some teachers, particularly in primary schools, is also leading to shallow lessons on emotive and difficult subjects, according to the study by the Historical Association.

The report, produced with funding from the Department for Education, said that where teachers and staff avoided emotive and controversial history, their motives were generally well intentioned.

"Staff may wish to avoid causing offence or appearing insensitive to individuals or groups in their classes. In particular settings, teachers of history are unwilling to challenge highly contentious or charged versions of history in which pupils are steeped at home, in their community or in a place of worship," it concluded.

However, it was concerned that this could lead to divisions within school, and that it might also put pupils off history."

What the heck happened to the Brits? Didn't they used to be tough??

I Hate THE MAN

2007-04-10T16:15:00.000-04:00

I Hate THE MAN - Originally posted April 3

So I have been looking forward (with bated breath!) to the release on DVD (FINALLY) of the awesomely amazing TV show WKRP in Cincinnati. This show was so funny, I cannot even begin to describe it. At least, it was funny in my memory. You know what I mean? There are some things which you watch, and then years later watch again, and you think, "Huh. What the hell was I thinking? This isn't funny!" (Case in point: Laverne and Shirley.) WKRP is tricky, because it has not appeared in syndication. So it's basically not seen the light of day since it went off the air in the early 80s (82?). However, in my memory, it is hilarious.

Well, recently the reason why it hasn't been syndicated came to light, confirming the suspicions of all us conspiracy theorists out there: THE MAN (the music industry) wouldn't release it because of contract issues with the various music that was played on the show. Thus proving what everyone of my generation had suspected forever: it's not about rebelling, The Revolution or general coolness; it's about making money. Which I normally don't have a problem with, except when it affects something like this. Honestly, what is the big deal here? And, if I'm honest, I have a problem with the fact that they try to play it off like it IS about rebelling. Liars. And, if we're talking about the musicians themselves and not the record companies, THAT GOES DOUBLE! Repent, you snakes and hypocrites!

Then, we heard that finally, WKRP was going to be released from TV show purgatory, and released on DVD. HURRAY! The Canuck wowed and impressed me by saying he was buying Season 1 as soon as it came out, and we made plans to have a WKRP festival (I was even going to make Cincinnati 5-Way Chili). You must understand that The Canuck is younger than me, but older than The Clam, so he has many pop culture references which Clam misses. So we were going to introduce The Clam to Dr. Johnny Fever, Venus Flytrap, Herb Tarlek, Les Nessman and flying turkeys. (She was more interested in Sesame Street in the early 80s.)Now I find out that The Canuck ISN'T going to buy Season 1. Why? Because those losers in the music industry couldn't get past filthy lucre long enough to just release the darn show. No, they SUBSTITUTED other songs for many of the songs that were used in the show, and often in ways that compromised the jokes.

What a bunch of tools.

I Guess I'm Not the Only One

2007-04-10T16:14:00.000-04:00

I Guess I'm Not The Only One - Originally posted April 2

Who was ever-so-amused by the "autistic guy to the rescue" theme from last week's 24. Here's Television Without Pity's take on it:

"The call rings through to the cell phone of a white guy making a depressing little scrambled-egg dinner in a depressing little kitchen, while another man sits and waits at the kitchen table. The guy with the phone, a Mark Hauser, isn't happy to be talking to Gredenko. It seems that he sold Gredenko some kind of access to his employer's something or other, but now it's not working any more, so Gredenko needs fresh protocols. With a guilty look at the guy he's making dinner for, Mark puts up a weak protest. But he quickly caves and says it's going to take a half-hour or more. Gredenko says that he'll be there in forty minutes, and hangs up. Mark returns to the kitchen, where the man sitting at the table announces, "I hongry." Oh, I see how it is. This makes me very, very worried. Mark scoops dinner out of the skillet onto his brother's plate, and his brother complains that it contains red peppers. "I don't eat red food," he Rain Mans. As stressed out as he must be right now, Mark swallows his temper and agrees to take the peppers out. "You take care of me, Mark. You always take care of me," his brother Lennys. For a developmentally disabled character, he certainly is astute about how quickly the show needs him to set up the dynamic between the two brothers. While Mark's de-peppering dinner, he asks his brother Brady to get on the computer and get some files from his office mainframe. Brady gets up and goes to the laptop without asking what files, but that's why you have an autistic-savant brother in the first place, so you don't have to worry about the details. Mark stands and watches him. Doesn't he have some peppers to fish out? "

Here's the whole thing if you're interested: http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/articles/content/a12937/

Did the Editor Take a Day Off?

2007-04-10T16:12:00.000-04:00

Did The Editor Take A Day Off? - Originally posted April 3

From today's Detroit Free Press online (freep.com):"Police: Shelby Twp. confesses to killing 7-Eleven clerk"

Of course, in the body of the article, you come to understand that the entire township was not actually responsible for this poor clerk's demise; it was merely one sorry citizen of Shelby Twp.

However, that's not what the headline says. Based on the headline, I'm thinking the citizens banded together to rid their town of the scourge of overpriced sodypop and candy.

Whatever happened to EDITORS?

Last Night's 24 Suckfest

2007-04-10T16:09:00.000-04:00

Last Nights 24 Suckfest - Originally posted April 3

I'm sorry - I feel like a bit of a heretic, but after listening to people have totally organic experiences*** for the last several years about how 24 is the best show EVER, and how they are working to bring Lucy, Jackie Gleason and Uncle Miltie back from the dead just so they could kiss Kiefer Sutherland's feet, I'm really not feeling the love for 24 that I expected to.

Last night possibly topped last week's episode as the most completely stupid ever. Although there were no autistic people being used as bait this week...First of all, we STILL have no clue about the fate of Mr. Usurped the Presidency Logan, or his wacky wife. Then we have President Palmer Junior, who was nearly blown up in a bomb attempt a few hours ago, who has been de-comafied by his doctors so he can show the VP that he IS competent to run the country (competent only in the sense that he's lucid, not competent in the sense that he has ever had a clue what he's doing). To which the VP says, No you're not either. So it comes down to a vote of the Cabinet, which is (of course) a TIE. Then the Veep says, Well, Karen's vote doesn't count, because she resigned! So I win! Neener-neener Boo-boo! To which Karen gets all huffy and whiny. Aside: Sorry, Chickie. You did resign, because Tom Lennox was being a big meanie to you. Guess what? You had a Cartman moment (Screw you guys, I'm going home!) and shuffled off to the airport to fly home to LA and the arms of your hubby. You don't get to take that back like that. You even resigned without notice, during a major national crisis. I can't think of any employer I've ever had who would have reacted to that with, "That's OK! Get back over here, you big palooka!"However (and I'm really embarrassed to even admit this, but 12th grade Government class was just a few...eons ago, so oh well) is this even the correct policy when something like this comes up? I'm trying to think if this ever HAS come up - maybe President Wilson, when he had that stroke? And even if that's the case, is the National Security Adviser a member of the Cabinet? The Secretary of Defense is, sure. I guess it doesn't matter, since in 24merica, this is how it works. Anyway...in a storyline that really really took too long, the President wins and is declared competent. (Never mind that he keeps making funny faces like he's in terrible pain, or perhaps is very constipated. That wouldn't be a warning sign would it?)

All this, only to prove that perhaps it WAS a little too soon for him to take the reins back from the Veep, because - he launches a nuclear strike against Islamia (they steadfastly refuse to name Fayed's country, so I just did)!!! Again, can he DO that? Can the President order a nuclear strike? Doesn't he have to get congressional approval or something? 12th grade is a bit of a blur (no, I wasn't stoned, just disinterested) but the phrase "checks and balances" keeps popping into my head.

Next we have Nadia (the Mole/not the Mole) back at work. She gets a phone call from Ricky Schroder, telling her to come to his office, and not to tell anyone where she's going. Um..OK. Sure. I mean, you tied me up and throttled me last week, why wouldn't I go into an office alone with you without telling anyone where I'm going? Once there, he says that perhaps they got off on the wrong foot. (nooooo.) BUT, here's the thing - he knows who the Mole is: Milo. (Which I predicted a couple of weeks ago). Blah blah blah, security perimeters... I can't understand the geekspeak, but the way it's said makes me suspect Nadia again, since we all know she's been using Milo's security code. Meh. It's one of the two of them. I want it to be Milo, because for it to be Nadia would be SOOOO predictible. Plus I really truly can't stand Milo's pornostache. I just want to have Ricky tie him up so I can shave it off. With a dull razor.

Then, we have, once again, miracle medicine. First the President recovers from his TBI like that (snaps fingers), and now, we have the incredible walking amputee! So Jack has Gredenko, and is going to use him to set a trap for Fayed. They set him up with an audio bug (which looks like it's from the I Spy era) and then - coolness! - insert a different bug (tracking device thingie) into the skin of his forearm, which has radioactive isotopes in it ("Topes rule! Wooo!") that "have a half-life of 11 hours." Thanks for the info, Dr. Science. Now can you tell me why you're injecting the bug into his forearm, instead of his torso, or the one extremity no man is ever going to cut off willingly (except for those Hale-Bopp guys)?

So, naturally, Gredenko gets to Fayed, says "Shhh" while he shows them the audio bug, which they destroy, and then, in a move that even John Wayne couldn't pull off, sits silently while they hack off his forearm with an ax! Come ON! No flipping way! You are not got to have your forearm chopped off without crying out. (With an ax that just happens to be in Building J at the Santa Monica Pier.) Then, because the completely useless radioactive isotopes are sitting on the floor in a pool of blood, the bad guys are able to make their getaway. Once again, I'm not a doctor, but wouldn't the pain of having your forearm chopped off render you unconscious? Seriously. Your body has overrides when things get too painful. Of course, later he collapses under the dock as the tide comes in, and all I can think is: where's Jaws when you really need him? I mean, all that blood ought to bring out at least one shark, right?

There were really only 2 cool moments last night:

1. When Fayed and Gredenko are running away (Gredenko clutching his bloody stump) and they run through a bar - Gredenko yells out that Fayed is the terrorist everyone is looking for, and the bar patrons surround him and kick the crap out of them. Then Jack shows up and makes them stop. Then he kicks Fayed in the head. Hurray!

2. Tom Lennox (the Ghostbusters 2 guy) saves the day, AGAIN, by bugging the Veep's office, so he is able to tape the slutty secretary offering to perjure herself for the Veep. (Then again, I'd "perjure" myself for him too - he's the only studly guy in Washington, it appears.) Bet Tom ate his Wheaties this morning, because he a just been a superhero!

***Totally Organic Experience was a horrifically skanky ad campaign for Clairol shampoo a few years ago. (Isn't that just a clever play on words?! Yes, if you're in 7th grade!) It was nauseating to watch, and (although I'm sure Clairol could care less) it cost Clairol a third generation customer, because I refused to buy the product anymore. And I still haven't gone back, even though the ad campaign is, thankfully, over.

What Kind of Morons Are We Growing?

2007-04-10T15:39:00.000-04:00

So 2 young men (21 YO) vandalized a local Church recently. It was an Iraqi Catholic Church, but these bozos thought that, because it was Middle Eastern, it must have been a Muslim "church" because everybody knows that Middle Easterners are Muslims. Never mind that it is called St. Mary's Assyrian Catholic Church and has crosses all over it.

Boy, those were tax dollars well spent educating these losers.

Get a clue, people. There are Catholics in EVERY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. All of them. Except Antarctica. Unless there are researchers there, in which case, one of them is probably Catholic.

Just because they are Middle Eastern doesn't make them Muslims. Just like just because you are over 18 doesn't make you a grown-up.

And you'd think that anyone living in metro Detroit, which has the largest amount of Middle Easterners outside of the Middle East, would know that.

Coronation Street, I Miss You Already!

2007-04-10T13:35:00.000-04:00

So the CBC, ever-ready to irritate its Corrie fans, has taken Corrie off the air Monday-Friday at 7:00 pm until the hockey playoffs are over. Keep in mind that the hockey playoffs last 2 full months! I'm a huge Red Wings fan, but even so - did they have to make me choose?! Now I know how Sophie felt! Yeah, sure, they are still running the "omnibus" (Canadians sure use funny words: omnibus, toque, Quebec...) Sunday mornings from 7:30 - 10:00, which is fine, except that the CBC doesn't seem to grasp that soaps are, by definition, ADDICTIVE, and going an entire week between episodes is NOT COOL. Would they do this to a smack addict? When last we left our intrepid Weatherfieldians, Claire was having a baby on her couch, and her idiot husband wouldn't let the doctor near her. (Oh sure, he has a good reason for that, but I really don't see Dr. Matt Ramsden getting it on with Claire WHILE she's in labor. He's seductive, but not that seductive!) Now I'm going to have Claire's squealed, "Ashley, PLEASE!" in my head until Sunday when I get back from church. Great. I NEED my Corrie fix, or bad things happen.

Months ago, when I first stumbled upon the Corrie Canuck website (which graciously allows Americans to post as well, even though by definition you'd think that was verboten) we got to grumbling about how we (CBC watchers) are several months behind the actual episodes. What I mean is this: we just had the Father's Day 2006 episode here in North America. Shelley just left for her new life. Claire is just about to spawn a red-faced baby to compete with her husband in the temper tantrum category. Yeah. It's very confusing, and not pleasant, because we keep stumbling upon spoilers which are old news to those in the UK. (For example, I know of one upcoming death of a character I really enjoy, and every time this person is on the show now, I get all upset and melancholy.)

Anyway, I suggested to the Corrie Canuckers (not to be confused with The Canuck, who doesn't watch Corrie ever) that perhaps I should threaten the CBC with a little American-style intervention if they didn't bring us up to date with the UK. I decided, for international peace and brotherhood, to forego that idea. Well, times have changed. I am taking action! Here's my draft of my letter to the CBC.

What do you think? Will they be scared enough to comply and put Corrie back on where it belongs?!?!

DEAR CBC: RELEASE CORONATION STREET FROM ITS IMPRISONMENT ON SUNDAY MORNINGS AND RETURN IT TO PRIME TIME ASAP, OR THIS LETTER WILL BE MAILED!

To: President George W. Bush
The White House

Dear Mr. President:

I know you have had some disappointments lately in your search for weapons of mass destruction. It has come to my attention that Peter Mansbridge, a Canadian news reporter, has many, many WMDs in his possession. (In case you are unsure, "Canada" is a large land mass directly north of the USA. If you put your finger on Texas and go up, it will be right above Montana.) I think that you should send troops to the CBC's headquarters in Toronto as soon as you can. Be careful: Mansbridge is very wily.

Please tell the troops to be very careful and not hurt Rick Mercer, though. I really like him.

Sincerely,

A Loyal American on the Border

BTW, CBC, IT WOULD BE REALLY NICE IF YOU WOULD GET US CAUGHT UP TO THE BRITISH EPISODES, SINCE THEY ARE ALMOST A YEAR AHEAD OF US.

DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS!!!

Very Weird

2007-04-09T13:32:00.000-04:00

OK, it seems that Blogger has "disappeared" a few of my posts - one about the last terrible 24, and one about how disappointed I am in the WKRP DVDs that are coming out...this does not seem like a coincidence to me. Call me paranoid, but I'm thinking that's on purpose, especially snce it has been days and they haven't reappeared...

One More "Fred Thompson Rocks" Post

2007-03-29T15:03:00.000-04:00

OK, so a couple of years ago, when they were looking at John Roberts for Supreme Court Justice, Fred Thompson appeared on NBC's Meet the Press with Tim Russert. Here's a link to the transcript: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8658626/

But I just want to underline a couple of points:

Smackdown #1

MR. RUSSERT: The American people are being polled on this issue obviously and the question asked by The Washington Post, "Should John Roberts state his position on abortion?" Yes, 64 percent; no, 34 percent. That's overwhelming.

MR. THOMPSON: That can't be decided on polls any more than cases can be decided on basis of polls.

Smackdown #2

MR. RUSSERT: The interesting thing in all this is that when you have John Roberts arguing on behalf of his client, he's saying it should be overturned; then in seeking to be on the Court of Appeals, he said, "Well, it's settled law, it's precedent." But once you're on the Supreme Court, anything can be unsettled. Brown vs. Board of Education was settled law, separate but equal.

MR. THOMPSON: Plessy vs. Ferguson.

Smackdown #3

MR. RUSSERT: There have been a series of newspaper articles about John Roberts' wife and her role in a group called Feminists for Life. Is that fair to talk about her positions?

MR. THOMPSON: No.

MR. RUSSERT: Do you think...

MR. THOMPSON: No. I don't think anybody's really going to go down that road of this professional woman and whether or not she ought to have a right to have her own associations. I will say that this particular group that you're talking about is--most of their emphasis, as I understand it, is helping young girls. They've joined with Planned Parenthood and other associations, you know, in common endeavors along those lines. But this is a professional woman who has her own associations and her own ideas, and I assume that her husband's proud of her for that. But...

MR. RUSSERT: You don't...

MR. THOMPSON: ...she's not been nominated for anything.

Take a minute and read the whole interview.

I realize that all the Tree-Hugging Hippies out there are terrified at the concept of Fred D. Thompson as president. I'm not. I think he would give us just what we need. Someone who doesn't take crap from anybody. Including our misinformation experts, the media.

BTW, cafepress.com has about 150 "Fred Thompson for President" items for sale. I could actually get excited about the election if he decides to run.

What Did I JUST Say?!?!

2007-03-28T09:35:00.000-04:00

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/03/27/gop.polls/index.html

Poll: Thompson's star rises with GOP

NEW YORK (CNN) -- He's not even officially running for president, but Fred Thompson, star of NBC's "Law and Order" and a former Tennessee senator, is gaining in the polls among Republican White House hopefuls.

This news comes as some of the GOP hopefuls who are already in the race recently lost some ground. What's behind the numbers, and does this mean that Republicans are hungry for a candidate who's not already running?

Roughly two weeks ago, Thompson said he was considering a run for president. Since then, he has skyrocketed out of nowhere to rank third among GOP White House hopefuls in a new USA Today/Gallup poll published Tuesday.

The poll shows former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani with 31 percent, Sen. John McCain, R-Arizona, with 22 percent, and Thompson with 12 percent of the vote.

He's even surpassed former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, who was the favorite of only 3 percent in the poll.

That. Would. Be. SOOOOO. Cool.

2007-03-27T16:24:00.000-04:00

OK, so there's about 4,927 people running for President of These United States at the moment (both verily and spoofily). Now, of course primaries will separate the wheat from the chaff (or the really really rich from the just really rich), but as of right now, it's looking a little like a circus. I did find the concept of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert running quite humorous, but, other than that, I have been fairly desperate, wanting someone, anyone I could take seriously to run.

But now I have found him. The President of my dreams. If only he were ACTUALLY running.

Fred D. Thompson.

One of the blogs I love to read is IMAO, which has the same sort of biting conservative humor which I hope to achieve on a semi-regular basis. (And they are not above laughing at conservatives, which is also important.) Well, a couple of weeks ago, one of their columnists, Frank J., posted "Frank Facts about Fred Thompson" which included gems like this:

Fred Thompson has blasted more people in the face with a shotgun than even Dick Cheney.

The reason Fred Thompson didn't want to stay in the Senate for long is because all the extra scrutiny kept him from doing his favorite hobby: prowling the streets at night killing drug dealers.

Every night before going to sleep, Osama Bin Laden checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson once ended a filibuster by ripping out a Senator's heart and showing it to him before he died.

The most efficient airline security is to have Fred Thompson stare down everyone entering a plane.

And, the most amazing of all: Fred Thompson can open clamshell packaging without the slightest trouble.

There are more, but that gives you a taste of what's there.

Apparently, a lot of people want Fred Thompson to run. There's even a Draft Fred Thompson for President website (draftfredthompson.com).

Well, the folks at IMAO have posted a new post which really got me thinking. The title? "Do We Deserve Fred Thompson?" again by Frank J. Here's a taste...

"When I published important facts about Fred Thompson, it was a very popular post. Now everyone wants a Fred Thompson candidacy, but Fred Thompson has yet to state whether he intends to run. The reaction by many is to plead with Fred Thompson to run or talk about drafting him, but you can't force Fred Thompson to do what Fred Thompson doesn't want to do. Instead of focusing on him, we should focus on ouselves and ask the tough question: 'Are we a good enough country to have Fred Thompson as president?'

Tips on Improving Ourselves so Fred Thompson May Want to Be Our President:

Eat Breakfast. Fred Thompson knows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you don't care enough about yourself to eat breakfast, why should Fred Thompson care about you? (I've got this one covered now!)

Control Your Children. Make sure your children are well-behaved. Fred Thompson is not going to run a country full of screaming kids running around.

Mow Your Lawn. Fred Thompson will only be president of a country where people take pride in land ownership. The most visible indication of this is how well you maintain your lawn.

Use Proper Grammar. Why would Fred Thompson want to lead people he can't even understand? (Again, I'm all over this like white on rice!)

Get a Haircut. You think Fred Thompson wants to be president of a bunch of hippies? Then you don't know Fred Thompson. (YES!)

Keep Informed. If you don't even follow politics, then Fred Thompson doesn't want your ignorant vote." (WooHoo!)

And so forth. You know, in all seriousness, we could do a lot worse for president.

If you want to check out IMAO, they are at imao.us. They are full of fun tidbits, like an editorial called, "Of the Two Koreas, I like South Korea Best" and other such fun stuff.

And if you want to see that I'm not making this up, google "fred thompson president." You'll get about 1,380,000 results. (Some of them are probably porn, but then, if you go far enough into any search, you'll find porn. Amazing.)

My Next Four Day Win

2007-03-27T14:50:00.000-04:00

OK, so I seem to have mastered my first Four Day Win - my brekkie of a fairly healthy cereal with milk and a cut-up banana. I have given this much longer than 4 days, because with the wackiness surrounding the moves, (mine and my mom's) things were just crazy, and I knew there was too much else going on to try to do too much at once. Besides, like I said a few posts ago, I'm no longer in a big hurry. I'll take this at my own pace this time.

I must say, I really enjoy having breakfast again. It only takes a few minutes, and I feel better all morning.

I think my next Four Day Win is going to be to pack a reasonably healthy lunch - a sandwich, some baby carrots, a little fruit, some milk and a couple of cookies. This is mostly a nighttime problem for me, as opposed to a daytime problem. See, it gets to be the end of the day, and I'm tired. So I say to myself (actually with a straight face): "Oh, that's OK. I'll get up a few minutes early and make my lunch in the morning." HAHAHAHA.

Come ON! Who am I kidding? I'm already getting up 10 minutes earlier to make and eat my cereal. See, it's not that I am not a morning person. I am a morning person. Actually, once I get out of bed, I'm fine. It's just the getting out of bed that's the problem.

I know from experience that if I make lunch the night before, I will take it to work, and eat it. If I leave the lunch until the morning, forget it. Not gonna happen.

And, of course, the issue here is the work week. Weekends are their own thing, because I can make lunch whenever I get hungry. So this will be more like a Ten Day Win, because I only have Weds, Thurs and Fri of this work week left. Then most of nxt week.

Now, what should my little reward be?

It's funny, but for me figuring out the Four Day Win Goals is easy compared to figuring out the rewards. I'm sure that says something deep and profound about me as a person.

And I'm definitely giving myself some time this weekend to do some more reading in the book, because I sort of dropped it these last couple of weeks.

Double Yuck!

2007-03-27T13:40:00.000-04:00

I am really beginning to think everyone who has ooohed and ahhhed over 24 for lo these many seasons was being brainwashed by their televisions. Because I'm sorry, but this season hasn't been that great. I liked (really liked) James Cromwell as Jack Bauer's manipulative, murderous father (but then, I love Cromwell's acting, and he proved he could be a great bad guy in LA Confidential) but, other than that, this season has been pretty wishy-washy.

First you have Jack's stock "If you don't do X (or tell me Y) I'm going to torture and/or kill you" response. If I had a dollar for every time he has uttered one of the combinations above this season, I could go to dinner at 21.

Then you have the hellaciously bad acting of both President Palmer Jr. and the president's really annoying sister.

Then you have the Muslim chick is the Mole (no she's not). Or is she? Because if you have me arrested for something and then say, "D'oh! Sorry 'bout that. But we really need you. Come back to work," my response would be, "I don't think so, but I'll see you in court!"

And you have Morris getting whiny and feeling sorry for himself. (Which, to be fair, he seems to have stopped since Chloe told him to stuff it.)

Now, we have a triple threat:

1. Jean Smart stabbed her ex-husband, used to be president Logan, 3 weeks ago, and we have yet to learn whether he lived or died, or whether she will face criminal charges for that little stunt.

2. Rainman comes to 24. Yes, last night, we discover that Brian Krakow (***) is alive and well, and seems to have gotten over Claire Danes. He got a haircut (thank God) but seems to have gotten dumber. His brother, however, is (apparently) autistic, and can hack into anywhere to get anything , but doesn't understand the implications of the above. So Brian has turned to a life of crime, supplying Gredenko with something he needs to make the nukes go boom. He gets arrested, and Jack uses the autistic brother to make the drop (which, by the way, was the only "hold your breath" scene in the entire episode).

Can I just say that, since autistic people seem to be money-making machines, I want one! I mean, first you have Rainman himself, counting cards in Vegas, and now you have this guy, the hacker extraordinaire. DJ, you should be harvesting your autistic children's talents - you could retire early!

3. And this is the Creme de la Creme. President Palmer has been in a hospital-induced coma for the past 2 weeks, having almost been blown up by MacGyver's homemade bomb. This means that the VP has been in charge. He has apparently watched Dr. Strangelove one too many times, and is just a little eager to bomb whatever the hell country Al-Fayed is from (no word yet on whether he's actually planning to ride the bomb while it launches). So Karen Hayes gets the annoying sister to get the doctor to de-comafy the President. President Palmer comes out of the coma and is lucid and decisive, all within less than an hour. Apparently, being in a coma will also cause wimpy characters to grow a spine, because this is the strongest and most decisive I have ever seen this character be, as he tells the VP that HE is in charge, and the VP can just back off.

Now look. I realize it's television and not reality, but still. He had all this swelling on his brain. My aunt had a brain aneurysim last year and they did surgery. She was unconscious/semi-conscious for a couple of weeks, and had a nasty case of ICU psychosis (she tried to orchestrate an escape from the hospital and demanded that my young cousin and I help her get out of there - it was actually pretty funny - we took to calling her The Big X, after the movie The Great Escape) so I feel fairly confident when I say: CRAP! That storyline is CRAP! Swelling on the brain isn't something you wake up from in less than an hour, and you are coherent and decisive and in charge. No way. So, even though the VP is clearly taking orders from Old Scratch himself, I must say that I agree with the VP about trying to take over the country temporarily.

***Brian Krakow was a character on the too short-lived show My So-Called Life about 10 years ago. He was the brainy kid with the blond white boy 'fro who had a giant crush on Angela, played by Claire Danes. I haven't seen him in much of anything since then. As a matter of fact, most of the actors on that show seem to have fallen off the face of the earth, with the exception of Jared Leto and Claire herself, who can currently be seen in the new Gap commerical.

Meanwhile, The Black Donnellys was brief but glorious, and I am already over it. I'm sorry, but I have personal experience with a family member who, although not as big a screw-up as Jimmy Donnelly is, has been a sore trial to the family, and at some point, you just have to let them stand or fall on their own. And in this case, it was the making of my kin. But you have Tommy, the smart one, (I don't know the actor, but I first saw him in an episode of CSI a couple years ago, and he was awesome) who could be something, who just keeps treading though molasses because every time he pulls brother Jimmy out of a mess, Jimmy turns around and gets himself embroiled in another, bigger mess. It's so frustrating I want reach into the television and throttle him. And he's really the only redeemable character on the show. Besides the screw-up brother, you have Kevin, who apparently blows with the wind. Then you have Sean, who got beaten up in the first episode and is now fretting because he thinks he's not pretty any more. So, yeah, at this rate, this will be a one-season show, unless they decide to give me a reason to CARE about any of these guys.

Last night was so bad I actually caught myself flipping channels to PAX, to watch parts of a re-run of Diagnosis Murder, while 24 was on. Seriously. (I just adore Dick Van Dyke!)

In Response to The Clam Rampant

2007-03-22T16:06:00.000-04:00

So my leetle seester, The Clam Rampant, has posted a long and very good post on her blog called Baby Steps. Take a minute and read it here: http://clamrampant.stblogs.com/2007/03/22/baby-steps/#respond

I thought I would respond, reply and clarify a few things.

First of all, the obligatory older sister tease. True Story: The Clam actually made a to-do list one summer, which covered all she intended to do during ONE DAY that summer, and one of the items on it was "write a novel." I'm not kidding. (Isn't that cute!?) So she's not kidding when she says she has felt it necessary to save the world before breakfast. We both have that tendency, and we come by it honestly. We come from a long line of "work until you are ready to drop and are so stressed out that you either snap at people or fall apart and cry over nothing" people. Now, our mother has developed a form of that, but it doesn't involve work - it involves social activities. Our grandma and aunt both did it, and it involved work. Scrubbing the kitchen floor on your hands and knees in August in Mississippi (with no AC) while you are 9 months pregnant, because you know your mother expects your home to be spotless, and she's coming to stay with you. You know - keerazy!

Also, in my defense, I didn't try to potty train my catS, I tried to potty train my caT(back when I just had one). It seemed like a good idea at the time, until I had the pile o'newspapers about a foot up in the air and somehow the litter box fell off and litter (and cat scat) ended up all over my bathroom floor while I was at work. But, to her credit, Wittle Girl did not use this as an excuse to "powder her nose" elsewhere. (She's such a little lady!) However, that was the end of the potty training experiment for me.

OK. Now onto the actual point of the post.

Anyway, The Clam's basic premise of the post is about taking Baby Steps as you do things. She says: "Recently, The Big Seester (that's ME!) found a book called The Four-Day Win that talks about the importance of setting small, incredibly achievable goals for yourself…in other words, baby steps. After a recent shopping excursion, I have decided to implement a modified version of The Four-Day Win."

I am currently in the process of reading The Four Day Win. Clam's right about the premise of the book (well, one of them anyway). The book is much more involved than just that, but Dr. Beck's overall point (which I have spent the last several years of my life proving, thank you very much) is that we set these unrealistic goals for ourselves, and then punish ourselves when we (inevitably) fail. She talks about how every diet basically boils down to "eat less and exercise" and that if it really was that simple, we wouldn't have a weight problem in this country.

She says that when you rely on willpower, you will lose, because our primitive brain (the part that deals with basic stuff like food and self-protection) is very powerful - it is how we have been able to survive millenia of famines and wars and ice ages, and IT WILL WIN. Eventually, no matter how much you KNOW you shouldn't eat sweets, you will end up face first in a bag of Double Stuffs, snarling at the person who walks within 10 feet of you.

As you can see, I have become somewhat of a fan of this book. Sure, she's got some new agey stuff in there, and I have to really work hard to not roll my eyes and snort, but hey! Overall, I have to agree with what she says, because I have been living it. You know how it starts - you gain some weight - let's say 20 pounds. You decide you are going to go on a mondo diet and take off that 20 pounds in 2 months (10 pounds a month - that's what you "should" lose, right?) But, a year later (or two) you are now 35 pounds overweight. That's basically what I have done. Dieted, lost some weight, until I couldn't stand it anymore, then rebounded, and gained back more than I lost. And let's face it, Little Miss In a Big Hurry, if you had said, "I want to lose 10 pounds a YEAR," instead of 10 pounds a MONTH, chances are that you would still be maintaining that weight loss. But who wants to say, "Yippee! I lost 1 pound last month!" Diet testimonials never say that. However, if you look at how long I have been struggling, if I would have known this years ago, and set a goal of 10 pounds a year, I would now weigh about the same as a 6 year old. (Well, no, but I would have reached my goal years ago, instead of still fighting this.)

So she had all kinds of ways to change your behavior SLOWLY, rather than jumping feet first into something you won't be able to maintain long-term. Which is why I am still reading the book. I am reading it slowly, let it sink in.

So, for example, the ridiculously easy goals. She tells you to pick a goal - something that you haven't been able to achieve yet in your dietary quest. I picked: "Eat three, reasonably healthy meals a day."

Now, there are a couple of tidbits there.

#1 - reasonably healthy - meaning I am not saying "no more sweets EVER! (thanks, Joan Crawford) or anything. I just mean fairly balanced. Yes, I know I should be eating 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day (or even more), but I recognize that, at this point, that's like pointing at Mt. Everest and saying, "See you at the top!" And I KNOW this by now.

#2 - notice "3 meals" - that's because I tend to skip breakfast (like most dieters out there) and then by mid-morning, I'm ravenous and PO'd at myself. If it's a bad day, I visit Ye Olde Vending Machine. If it's a good day, I hold out until lunch. Neither of which is a healthy habit.

Anyway, so, pick your goal. OK. Done. Then she says, clearly this goal is too large. Why? Because you haven't done it yet. So halve it. Then halve it again. Keep reducing it until it is so ridiculously easy, you look at it and say, "Pffft! Of COURSE I can do that!" Then do it for Four Days in a row. AND, each day you do it successfully, give yourself a little reward (something minor). And, if you do it for Four Days, give yourself a little larger reward.

So, I took my "3 reasonably healthy meals" and turned it into: have a bowl of cereal with a banana on it for breakfast each day.

Now, first of all, you don't quit after Four Days. It just becomes a habit. And, I must say, this particular goal became a habit quickly. Even in the midst of moving, I had my little brekkie: a fairly healthy cereal (Special K, or Corn Flakes because they have been on sale) with a little sugar sprinkled on them, 1% milk (which is what I normally have around) and a cut-up banana. And my reward is a small (SMALL) glass of OJ with breakfast. (See my previous post about weird food rules - OJ is another food I have been forbidding myself, until I go on an OJ binge and drink 1/2 gallon in a day or two, and I'm not kidding.) She doesn't say it can't be a food-related goal, and OJ is a major breakfast treat for me, and drinking 6 oz of it is not going to break my diet. (Drinking a couple of 2-4s of Coke will, though!)

Like I said, I really think this book makes a lot of sense. And I bought it for myself as a moving gift, so The Clam could actually read it if she wants.

And I'll tell you this: it feels darned good to actually succeed at a goal. Dr. Beck's right about that too.

So WAHOO to The Clam for wanting to try it too. And yes, you can borrow an Agatha Christie or Trixie Belden. Or, dare I say it?, one of my Catholic mysteries, like The Rosary Murders. No. Perhaps that ought to wait until AFTER the Easter Vigil.

And I have also thought about going into plus-sized fashion design. I even have a company name figured out.

I Am a Neil Young Savant...blech!

2007-03-20T16:05:00.000-04:00

It's a quiz all about Neil Young!

http://www.cbc.ca/cgi-bin/quiz/quiz.cgi?quiz=arts_neil_young

Wow. You wouldn't think that I could score 7 out of 10 on this quiz, being that I hate his music with a white hot heat. Actually, I don't hate his music. I can't listen to his music because his voice makes me want to gouge out my eardrums with rusty nails. So I really don't know whether I like his music or not. But considering how I feel about hippies...

Creepy how this stuff sneaks into your subconscious.

Four dead in O-hi-o...

Last Night's 24

2007-03-20T14:15:00.000-04:00

Ok, so unless I missed something (I was out of the room for a few minutes at the very beginning of the show) we didn't find out whether Mr. Treasonous Ex-President died from the stab wound inflicted by his ex-wife, the former Designing Woman Jean Smart.

Meanwhile, we found out that the CTU has A Mole. (As in, someone who is keeping the bad guys informed.) When I first heard that, I thought, "Well, if I were a mole at the CTU and wanted to have a patsy, since Lee Harvey Oswald isn't available, I think I'd make the Muslim chick the patsy." And, sure enough, the person doing it has been using Nadia's code. Of course, Nadia has been using Milo's code (illegally, but that's a whole 'nother story) so of course we know it wasn't her, because like, the first thing they teach you in terrorist training school is not to log in as yourself if you are going to spy while at a government agency! (Not that I know that for a fact, but, once again, if I ran the zoo, that would be basic information.)

So we know the mole isn't Nadia. It's the sort of thing reading murder mysteries gives you an eye for. Listen, if you feel yourself suspecting the rakish and mysterious Lord Smythe-Trevelyn halfway through the book, chances are the poor peer's innocent. He's a red herring.

Speaking of Red Herrings, why are the Russians screwing with us again exactly? Don't they have enough problems over there to deal with without messing around with us? Of course, it's a ROGUE Russian. Sure.

Also, if I didn't know better, I'd say the VP was behind the assassination attempt on the President, except they just did that storyline LAST YEAR, right?

Also, here's a question for all the 24 fans out there - based on your history of watching 24, is The Mole going to be some random CTU person (the equivalent of the poor slob who gets beamed down with Kirk and Spock) or is it likelier to be a Person We Know? (There's an unwritten murder mystery rule that the killer must be an established character in the book.)

If so, my money's on Milo. I don't like him. He's weaseley, and was just a little too OK with Nadia using his code before.

Also, Ricky Schroder's not wearing pastel pink izods anymore! Take THAT, Alfonso Ribiero!

And Jack managed to get through this entire episode with torturing anyone or threatening to kill anyone. Good job!

Another "Isn't My OCD Quirky?!" Post

2007-03-20T13:46:00.000-04:00

Ohhhhkkkkaayyyy.

So a few weeks ago I let a little something slip to The Clam that I am now going to share with y'all.

I have done market research into the relative costs related to various personal care products - things we all use, like shampoo, toothpaste, soap and/or bodywash and lotion. Now, when I say "market research," this is what I mean:

I look at a category, like bodywash, and I take several brands and compare prices. But you cannot just compare prices, because everyone packages theirs in different sized bottles - Suave is 12 oz, St. Ives is 13.5 oz, Dial is 18 oz and Ivory is 24 oz, for example. So I take the price of the product and divide it by the number of ounces to get the cost per ounce. (I learned this trick from The Frugal Zealot, Amy Dacyzyzn.) THEN, I multiply out how many bottles of the product I would use in a year, based on the ounces. (Clearly, I would only need to buy half as many bottles of the Ivory, at 24 oz, as I would of the Suave, at 12 oz.)

Bar soap is even more complex, because not only are the bars themselves different sizes ( anywhere from 3 oz to 4.5 oz, depending) but they come packaged in different quantities (so, for example, the 12 pack of Dial is a better buy than the 4 pack, but Dial is still way more expensive than Ivory). So I take the number of ounces per bar, multiply it by the number of bars to get a total ounce figure, then divide the cost by that number.

It's actually fascinating. First of all, bar soap is much cheaper than body wash. Now, I pretty much only looked at drugstore brands, because I don't have the money to be buying $10 bars of gourmet soap. But the most expensive bar soap I looked at (per ounce) was Lever 2000, 8 pack of 4.5 oz bars, at $8.49, which breaks down to 24 cents an ounce. The cheapest bodywash I found was good old Suave, at $2.29 for 12 ounces, which breaks down to 19 cents an ounce. (The cheapest bar soap was a mere 10 cents an ounce.)

I have been looking at all of this for a while, not because that extra 9 cents an ounce is really going to break my budget, but rather because, especially after reading The Tightwad Gazette, I felt it was important to be conscious of the differences in prices. And I have come to a couple of conclusions.

1. The different companies do the size shift on purpose. I mean really, what's the point of 13.5 oz? It just makes it that much trickier to compare prices. You're standing there looking at the 12 oz for (say) 2.99 and the 11.5 oz for 3.79 - are you really going to whip out your calculator to see which one's the better buy? (Yes, I do! That's why the list got started!) You think, oh, well, it's just a little more money for a little less product.

If I ran the zoo (I love that concept), liquid products like bodywash and shampoo would come in 12 oz, 18 oz and 24 oz and bar soaps would be standard weight and be sold individually, in 4 packs and 8 packs. None of this flimflammery!

This is most obvious in the case of things like lip balm - for example, most lip balms, like Burt's Bees and Chapstick, are .15 oz per stick. The best buy I have found is Vaseline Lip Therapy, which comes in a .35 oz tube, not a stick. It's $1.79 for .35 oz, which equals $5.37 an ounce! Whereas Vaseline (in the tub) is about $3.69 for 13 oz, which is 28 cents an ounce. See the difference?! OK, OK, so I'm not going to haul around a pound of Vaseline in my purse everywhere I go, but it is still an eye opener, and when I'm home, I reach for the jug o'vaseline, not the little tube of goopy gold! (BTW, the generic is even cheaper.)

2. It may not seem like such a big thing, but remember, small holes can sink a big ship. It's like the people who buy the $3.50 Latte on their way to work every morning. Listen, if you recognize that $3.50 x 5 is $17.50 a week, and that, over the course of a year, you could be spending over $800 on COFFEE, and you still want to do it, fine. I'm not going to tell you how to spend your money. I probably make choices with my money that you wouldn't, and that's ok too. The idea is to BE CONSCIOUS. Know where your money is going. (It doesn't grow on trees, you know!) So, I tend to choose to brew my coffee at home, knowing that even expensive coffee homebrewed is going to be much cheaper than cheap boughten coffee. And I'd rather skimp on things like body wash (cost wise, not quantity wise) so I can afford other things. For example, I'd like to retire someday, and since Social Security is going to be as dead as the dodo by then, I'd rather not be chowing down on Mighty Dog thinking about the $20 shampoo I used to wash my hair with.

Drat that Leetle Seester!

2007-03-19T16:31:00.000-04:00

She tagged me for another MEME (stupid made-up word) - this one challenging me to come up with "6 Weird Things About Me, That I Want to Share with the Entire World on the Interwebs"...

I called her indignantly to inform her that there is NOTHING WEIRD ABOUT ME, and she must be thinking about her OTHER sister - The Meedle Seester!

Her responses are on her blog - The Clam Rampant, if you are interested.

This will prove to be tricky, since I remain firmly convinced that I am perfectly normal. The rest of the world may be a little...off, but not me!

So. These answers are not FINAL, and I reserve the right to change them with feedback from others, as things pop into my head at 4 am, etc.

1. I also sing to my cats (this was one of the Clam's answers too), including made-up songs which I have penned for their amusement. It works, too, because last summer, when my Wittle Cheeters went missing, after searching for her ALL DAY, she heard me singing HER song at night and came tearing through the yard! (So, since it clearly is a good thing, it's not weird, right?)

2. I have a terrible phobia which (I think) is pretty uncommon. I'm terrified of things collapsing. So much so that, when we would all gather in Mom's dining room for a holiday meal, between (1) the piano, (2) the huge heavy desk, (3) the giant DR table and (4) all of us, I could barely eat my meal, I was so sure we would all fall through to the basement. When I was a child, my dad had to take me down to our basement and show me the steel beams that held up our house, because I was so afraid the entire thing would collapse. When Mom offered me one of our 2 family pianos, I had a coniption, and a large chunk of my pre-moving panic attack had to do with how much stuff I had, and how much it all weighs. (This is part of the reason why an eBook Reader appeals to me so much - 80 books stored in an 8 oz gadget!?!?!) When I get downtown, I have to really focus on not paying attention to all the skyscrapers and how much they must weigh and the fact that we have this underground sewer system and there are almost catacombs under the city and... you get the idea. And DON'T tell me things don't collapse, because THEY DO - bridges, buildings, sinkholes in the road. So, again, not weird, right?

3. I have this quirky little OCD (I've posted about this a couple of times). This is not debilitating OCD (like I can't leave my home or I must wash my hands 25 times a day) just funny little things. My original post dealt with my irritation with grocery store plastic bags and whether or not to get permanent "string bags" like they use in Europe. Well, there are all kinds of things like that. Seriously. I realized recently that I have made about a thousand bizarre food rules for myself. Example? Well, how about - I love bananas. Love them. But I haven't bought bananas for years. Why? Because I decided years ago that, at 105 calories each, a banana has too many calories for a piece of fruit. So every time I go to the grocery store, I look longingly at the bananas (which are not only delicious and nutritious, but also cheap!) and pass them up. Never mind that I will go to the vending machine at 3 pm and buy a candy bar at 240 calories. Nope - 105 is too much for fruit! (Note: I am working really hard to unmake these rules, and for the past couple of weeks, have had breakfast every day consisting a fairly healthy cereal with a cut-up banana on it. Hurray!) However, I think it is critical to point out that, in our culture, most of us have developed all kinds of food issues, since the diet nazis rule the world. So, once again, not weird. It would be weird if I DIDN'T have food issues.

4. Now, this is probably weird. I hate, and I do mean HATE, talking on the phone (with anyone other than close family members). I actually would prefer not to talk on the phone at all, but I accept that that's how most people communicate. I hate it so much that I tend to pace when I'm on the phone, because I'm so stressed from being on the phone. And this was true even as a teenager. OK. That's weird.

5. I can recite entire scenes from movies and TV shows that I haven't seen in 20 years. I mean, scenes from episodes of Moonlighting and so forth, not just the ubiquitous Monty Python quips ("I'm not dead!"). But, to be fair, so can both my seesters, so it's a family-wide weirdness. As a matter of fact, for a while there, the seesters could recite Beetlejuice practically word-for-word.

6. I never went through a hippie phase, not even in college. I have never owned anything tied-died, I have never been interested in the Grateful Dead, I have never said "Make Love Not War" except in jest, and have generally always thought hippies had serious responsibility and hygeine problems. My mother is the oldest of her family, and the younger siblings may have flirted with hippie culture in the late 60s and the 70s, including moving to Colorado and some illicit drug use, but they were never serious hippies. Yes, I did grow up on the Beatles (George is my favorite, thanks for asking) and yes, I did have a brief stint where I thought Janis Joplin was SOOOOO COOL. Now I just think she's sad and tragic, and I'm fairly sure most teenagers, when they "discover" her, really get into her for a while, because, as the Lalapalooza episode of The Simpsons said so cleverly, "Making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel." I don't think that makes me weird, although it is perhaps a little unusual. I think it means I have good taste.

So there you go - I am not weird. I am the most normal person I know. You know who's weird? YOU are!

And... I tag DJ, The Canuck, and Catholic Wife and Mother.

Terrific Book!

2007-03-19T13:31:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading an amazing book which I wanted to recommend to you. It's called:

"Left to Tell: Discovering God Amid the Rwandan Holocaust" by Immaculee Ilibagiza

It's the true story of a young university student who is hidden by a pastor in a bathroom with several other women for 3 months during the Rwandan genocide, and how her faith was strengthened and she was ultimately able to forgive the Hutus who perpetrated the genocide.

It's not a particularly long or deep book, just a one-woman account, but even though the background of the genocide is quite distressing, you will absolutely love this woman by the end of the book. It really is an uplifting story, even though it's sad in some parts.

If you get a chance to read it, I highly recommend it. And although she herself is a Catholic, it's not a "Catholic" book, or even a "Christian" book - it's about one woman and her relationship with God.

I must say that it really was a powerful read.

Here's the Skinny on My New Home

2007-03-16T17:11:00.000-04:00

OK, I have a little while to post a longer entry about my MOVING INTO MY OWN HOME!

So I officially moved in early this week, and let me just say, I had the best day this entire winter to move my stuff in! When you move in March in Michigan, let's just say that things can...go awry. Not so! It was nearly 70 and sunny - absolutely beautiful weather!

I still have until the end of the month in my old place, which is good, because I want to clean it once more and wash and press the curtains. Everyone keeps assuring me that I don't have to do that, but I really believe in karma, even if I don't believe in Karma, if you get my drift. In other words, I don't believe in the Hindu concept of Karma, but I do believe that when you do right, you mostly get done right by. Let me give you a perfect example:

My (soon-to-be past) landlady is elderly, blind and senile. Not a good combo. She is also extremely self-centered. Last summer, when my lease was up, she never had me sign another lease, even though I reminded her a few times. However, I didn't want to take advantage of her, so I had planned to move out at the end of June, which is when my lease would have been up, if I would have had a lease. Then, about 6 weeks ago, she asked me if I would mind being out at the end of May, not June, so she could show the place in June. I said no problem, and that would mean my last rent payment would be April 1st, since I paid last month down. Okeydokey.

Fast forward a few weeks, when I looked for and found MY condo (and I mean MY in the cosmic sense - this place was meant for me). I arranged with my agent to have the closing on a date where I wouldn't have to make a mortgage payment until May, so that I wouldn't mess up my landlady (even though I knew there's no lease).

I acted in such a way as to respect her needs as well as mine. So then, THE DAY I CLOSED, I come home to find a note on my door from my landlady - Could I be out at the end of March, not May? She has a possible tenant for my place, but he wants to move in April 1st. (Keep in mind that she has displayed no interest in my quest to find a new place, so she not only didn't know I had closed, she didn't know I had even found somewhere else to live.)

My first reaction was: How typical! Oh, by the way, can you be out in less than 30 days because it suits me. Then I thought about it for a minute - wait! That means I don't have to pay any more rent, and I don't have a mortgage payment due until May! So in rality, it was a gift, not a curse.

So as tired as I am right now, I am still struggling to gather the energy to get my heiny back over there and clean it this weekend, because next weekend is busy, and the following Saturday is already the 31st. Sigh. We'll see.

However, not only am I moved in, I am also about 80% unpacked (largely thanks to The Clam, who took one day off this week to help me unpack and organize my kitchen). I really really don't like mess - I don't like not knowing where things are, and seeing piles of boxes and all the stuff that goes with moving, so it was HUGE for Clam to help me get sorted in the kitchen.

I am definitely going to be painting the kitchen and bathroom (once Pater and Stepmater come back from Florida) and of course there are lots of little things that need to happen, but it's all coming together.

The cats are even adjusting well, which is very good, because I was frankly very worried about Big Lou, my huge but chickensh*t boy cat. He hid under furniture, his nose was hot and dry, he even burrowed under the covers of my (previously neatly made) bed. It didn't help matters that the Wittle Girl was hissing and slapping him every time he moved. I understand that to be the cat equivalent of "I'm the Alpha Dog of this pack" which is so funny, because she's like 9 pounds and he's 19. And he is SOOOO the Alpha Cat usually. Knocks her out of the way to get the food, decides he wants to sleep where she is, etc. But not this week.

However, I'm happy to report that all is well - cats noses are cold and wet again, and they were goofing off and chasing each other around the place last night.

The one complaint I have about my wonderful new place is my neighbors. Mrs. Kravitz lives downstairs from me. Actually, she makes Mrs. Kravitz seem laid back. She has quizzed me about my work hours, where I plan to park my car, if I live alone, when I come and go, do I work weekends, etc. Then the other upstairs neighbor is just weird. My first clue came when I viewed the condo and noticed that she had a red light shining in her window. (Hmmm, thought I - a tribute to The Police? Or is she the Real Roxanne?) Turns out...it was a Christmas Decoration. Yes, a red lightbulb, shining out the window, shouts Christmas for all to see. In February. Then there was the fact that she took it upon herself to decorate the common areas of the building with Christmas stuff (right down to a wreath with Jingle Bells on the front door). LOUD jingle bells.

Oh well, thought I. Live and let live. So it's February and she hasn't taken the Christmas stuff down yet.

Well, it's now the middle of March and everything is still up. Except for the light in the window, which is now green (for St. Patrick's Day?!?). No, I'm not kidding. I got my first condo association newsletter, which included a directive that "All Christmas decorations must be down by March 15th." Part of me said, "Thank God they are putting the foot down." The other part of me thought, "How pathetic that they even have to SAY that? It's freaking March 15th!" I'm past "thinking Spring" at this point - I'm checking to see that I have Summer clothes!

So yesterday was D-Day (so to speak). This morning, I left for work and noticed that all the decorations are still up, except that she has removed the jingle bells from the Christmas wreath on the door. Apparently, she is drawing a line in the sand, daring the condo association to cross it.

Plus there's the incessant door-knocking. They have both decided to knock on my door to chat. Multiple times. Now, here's the thing. I am, by nature, a very introverted person. My home is my sanctuary. I retreat there. Especially since I have a very public job and must deal with people all day. As I said to The Clam, "If I wanted to live somewhere where people just knock on my door whenever they feel like it, I could live with Mom for free." I don't want them knocking on my door. Ever. Unless the bulding is on fire. And even then I'd rather the smoke detector let me know. Not only do I have a real problem with forced interaction (and I'm not kidding - The Clam knows not to just drop in on me, and she's my seester!) which I haven't invited, but I wouldn't be friends with either one of these women even if I was outgoing! Mrs. Kravitz is 85 (according to the former owner of my condo) and looks like she sucked on a dozen lemons. Lemons that have been smeared with horseradish. And quite frankly, I don't want to be friends with anyone as nosy as she is. And the other woman is just wacky, and I'm not kidding. Neither one of them works (well, it's a cinch the 85 year old doesn't, but apparently the other one doesn't either, and I'm not sure she's even 50 yet) and they don't seem to have any hobbies other than fighting with each other and spying on me. (I'm fairly confident the Christmas decorations are a battle in an ongoing war.)

I'm the sort of person who you WANT as a neighbor - I am quiet and I keep to myself. I'm more than happy to smile at you and say "Good morning" or "Lovely day, isn't it" to you, but I never ever want to get more involved than that. And I have NEVER had a neighbor as nosy and pushy as Mrs. Kravitz, or as weird and daffy is Crazy Mary.

I'm not entirely sure how to deal with these two, but I am determined that they are not going to ruin my beautiful new home with their poison.

Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with them? Mom suggested that the next time Mrs. Kravitz asks me personal questions, I should ask her if she's a cop. I don't like being rude to anyone, especially elderly people, but I also don't want this to continue...

Just a Passing Note...

2007-03-15T16:50:00.000-04:00

...to say that I saw my first 2008 election bumper sticker the other day. My first thought was, "Sweet Pete! Not ALREADY!!!!" Then I read it. It said:

Stewart/Colbert 2008

Now THAT'S a candidacy I could get behind!

I want one. Of course, I would NEVER put a bumper sticker on my car. (A car is the second most expensive thing most of us ever buy, after a home. Why would you slap some $1 piece of stickum on there? Do you poop on your living room floor?)

But THIS I might actually tape on the inside of my rear windshield.

Hallelujah!

2007-03-15T13:58:00.000-04:00

I have moved into my very own home! Tuesday night was my first night sleeping there. I'm way too busy right now to do a long post, but I wanted to at least post something!

Everything went as smoothly as possible, and I am so happy I have a permagrin on my face.

I'll tell you more later.

:-)

More Mindless TV Stuff

2007-03-08T12:38:00.000-05:00

Tuesday's episode of House was one of the best shows I have seen in a looong time. Hugh Laurie is just an incredible actor. (I know I've said that before. No I DON'T have a crush on him. Well, maybe just a teensy one. But it's really all about his talent, not his looks. Really. Mostly. Although the blue eyes help. I'm a sucker for a man with blue eyes.)

The guest stars were Kurtwood Smith (the guy who played Red Forman on That 70s Show and the even meaner dad in Dead Poets Society) and Dave Matthews. You know, from the Dave Matthews Band. (DJ - they are a rock and roll musical combination act.)

The main storyline is about Dave, who is a musical savant (brilliant classical pianist, but can't button his shirt) who is (of course) having a health crisis. BTW, his acting was pretty good. Not amazing, but pretty good. When did he decide to act? I missed that memo. Did the DMB break up?

But the real storyline is that Dr. House has inoperable brain cancer! (Don't you DARE give away the ending if you have seen the episode, because The Clam hasn't seen it yet! AND SHE WILL. MARK MY WORDS.)

And there is a scene where Hugh Laurie and Dave Matthews are playing the piano together that is just soooo cool to watch. (Hugh, as he likes me to call him, is an accomplished pianist, and even back in the Jeeves and Wooster days, he could be seen to play and sing.)

Funny tidbits about this episode: Red Forman (well, the actor who played him) had a son on That 70s Show called Eric Forman, and of course on House, Omar Epps' character is Dr. Eric Foreman. Weird.

Additionally, Robert Sean Leonard played his son in Dead Poets Society. And Eric Forman thought he had it tough! Red was a pussycat compared to that dad!

You know, I have to say this. The writers keep trying to keep us guessing about whether House will end up with Cameron or Cuddy (2 female doctors on the show) and they write these scenes which I think are supposed to be sizzling. But they're not. Cameron is boring and prissy, and Cuddy always sounds whiny.

The scenes I really enjoy are the scenes between House and Wilson (Robert Sean Leonard). Their friendship is much more complex and interesting than either of the so-called love interests on the show.

This Here's the Big Bopper

2007-03-07T15:58:00.000-05:00

Check this out: http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Music/03/07/bigbopper.autopsy.ap/index.html

First of all, I had no idea there had been rumors about the plane crash (and I consider myself fairly knowledgeable about this kind of stuff).

But second of all, how cool is it that forensic anthropologists can figure this stuff out?!?!

J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson suffered massive fractures and likely died immediately in the 1959 plane crash that also killed early rock 'n' rollers Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens, a forensic anthropologist said Tuesday after exhuming the body.

The performer's son, Jay Richardson, hired Dr. Bill Bass, a well-known forensic anthropologist at the University of Tennessee, to look at the remains in Beaumont, Texas.

There have been rumors a gun might have been fired on board the plane and that the Big Bopper might have survived the crash and died trying to get help.

Bass took X-rays of the body and found nothing Tuesday to support those theories. "There was no indication of foul play," Bass said in a telephone interview from Beaumont. "There are fractures from head to toe. Massive fractures. ... (He) died immediately. He didn't crawl away. He didn't walk away from the plane."

The rock 'n' roll stars' plane crashed after taking off from Mason City, Iowa, on February 3, 1959 -- a tragedy memorialized as "the day the music died" in Don McLean's song "American Pie."
...
Bass, 78, is a pioneer in his field and has worked on such famous cases as confirming the identity of the Lindbergh baby that was kidnapped in 1932 and murdered.

I saw a profile of Dr. Bass on 60 Minutes (or something similar) a few years ago. He pioneered the concept of body farms (where they observe bodies decomposing under different conditions, which is how they have developed the ability to tell when you died and whether you were exposed to the elements after your death, in rainy or dry conditions, etc. etc.).

Am I a ghoul for finding stuff like that fascinating?

Your Faith Is a Big Scam! Happy Easter!

2007-03-07T13:42:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you have probably heard that James Cameron and Simcha Jacobivici "discovered the tomb of Jesus and his family" recently. (Just in time for Lent. What a surprise!) Of course, the first thing you must realize is that they didn't discover anything. The tombs were actually discovered about 25 years ago. So, unlike how we can argue about who was the first to discover America, the Vikings or Christopher Columbus, this really is some form of pseudo-scientific plagarism. I mean, what are the odds that the Vikings shared the information about their discovery with the Italians? So, when a few hundred years later, Columbus said HE was the first, he really thought he was. However, since the discovery of the tombs was 25 years ago, during these guys' lifetimes, they have no such excuse. Moreover, the original discoverers discarded the theory that what they found was THE Jesus and His family. So it's a non-story.

However, the mainstream media loooves to play with Christianity, to the point where they insinuate that if you buy into any of it, you must have been dropped on your head as a small child. (They are not nearly so brave with certain other faiths, you may notice. This is because the pope doesn't issue fatwas.) So they will play this up for all it's worth.

Now, many many people much smarter and more developed theologically than me have taken this "documentary" apart. As a matter of fact, here's a link to Jimmy Akin, one of the smartest Catholic apologists around these days: http://jimmyakin.typepad.com/defensor_fidei/2007/03/tomb_of_jesus_n.html#comments

However, here's my two cents. Like I said, I am not some master apologist or anything. This is just common sense stuff.

First of all, the names on the tombs. There's a Jesus, son of Joseph. There are two Marys. And there's a Judah, son of Jesus. Okeydokey, folks. Let's make one thing clear. Just because WE don't name OUR kids Jesus doesn't mean that nobody else did. Having a Jew from that era named Jesus is like having an Irishman named Kevin. You get a roomful of Irish Americans together and I guarantee you there will be a few Kevins. And, having a Jesus whose father's name was Joseph is like having an Irishman named Kevin whose dad is named Patrick. And Mary? Good grief! Every other woman named in the New Testament is named Mary! Rather like Jennifer for my generation. (In fact, Mary is still one of the commonest names in the world.) But last names would clear this right up. Except...there are no last names on the tombs. Know why? Because they didn't HAVE last names back then. (And, no, His last name isn't Christ! Nor is His middle initial "H".)

Second of all, and really for me this is a whole big thing about Christianity, is this: why on earth would the Apostles lie about this? No, really, think about it. You've got 11 guys (12 minus Judas, who removed himself from the picture) who, when Jesus was crucified, were TERRIFIED. Except John, they all ran away and hid. They were afraid of being arrested and killed too. Then, suddenly, they are courageous. They are fearless. They preach the Gospel - strongly and passionately. They convert thousands of people. And what earthly reward did they get for that? Death. And not just death, excruciatingly painful tortuous death. Crucified. Skinned alive. The kind of stuff that makes the electric chair seem really humane. All of them, except John. And not just them, but the people they converted. And the people those people converted. Thousands of people over three hundred plus years. Now, I know what you're thinking - well, they had to perpetuate the lie. WHY? What were they going to get out of it?

You know, I sometimes think that people think Vatican City appeared magically in Rome on Easter Sunday, AD 33. People don't realize that for CENTURIES, Christianity was illegal, and these people had no money. They were poor. Seriously poor, and without power or prestige. Just because several centuries later we had the Holy Roman Empire means NOTHING.

AND, they were sure that Jesus was returning ANY DAY. This was not Peter saying, "Hey, if we can keep mum about this while they are boiling us in oil, in 1500 years, the pope is going to have Michaelangelo paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel," and John replying, "Sweet!" The apostles had no inkling that there would ever be a Vatican City, or a papal tiara. As a matter of fact, one of the best sermons I ever heard in my life (at a Baptist church) was about Jesus' comments at the Last Supper, as recounted by John. (Chapter 15, I think.) "If the world hates you, keep in mind it hated me first. For no servant is greater than his master..." THAT is what Jesus told them they had to look forward to. So, if Jesus had really been buried in a tomb, wouldn't somebody have let that slip? I mean, Batholomew's watching them sharpening the knife they are going to SKIN HIM WITH, right? Why wouldn't he just say, "Sike! We sure had you guys fooled!" I mean, think about all the denouncing as communists that went on in this country in the 1950s. And communists were just ostracized, not brutally murdered. But people are basically cowards, and ratting comes pretty easily when things get uncomfortable for you.

But not those 11. They changed the world.

Now. All that being said, here's what you need to know. If you profess to be a Christian, whether Catholic, Orthodox or Protestant, it is a matter of dogma (non-negotiable belief) that Jesus rose from the dead, and ascended, body and soul, to Heaven. If you don't believe that, you are not a Christian. You may be a very nice person (or not), but you are not a Christian. (Catholics also believe that Mary, the mother of Jesus, was assumed, at the moment of her death, into Heaven, body and soul. But Protestants don't. So you can still be a Christian and not believe that.)

If James Cameron and Simcha Jacobvici were able to PROVE that the bones in the tomb were that of THE Jesus, then there would be no reason to be a Christian. Then, like Natalie Wood in Miracle on 34th Street, we could just all say that he was "just a nice man with a real beard" and let the rest of it go. And you know what? My life would be easier. That's right. You heard me. It would be a lot easier to not have all those pesky rules and regulations. Like last Friday, when I wanted a bacon cheeseburger so badly I could taste it, I could have had one, instead of fish. Ick. I hate fish. (Whoa! The Greek for fish is "Icthus" How trippy is THAT?!)

But they can't prove it. They won't prove it. And if you let your faith be shaken by the idiot who unleashed "My Heart Will Go On" on the world, well, all I can say is: I hear it's a dry heat down there.

24 & The Black Donnellys

2007-03-06T13:26:00.000-05:00

OK, so I clearly haven't been watching as much TV as usual, what with moving and all. However, last night I rewarded myself for all that I had accomplished by sitting on my tookas and watching 24 and The Black Donnellys. ***Spoiler warning***

So I was overall not thrilled with 24 last night. First of all, I don't know jack (haha - get it?) about this former vice-president dude who had the president assassinated so he could take over the country but got caught at it and is now living under house arrest in some cushy place in SoCal. (So, what? If I assassinate the president, do I get to live there too? Or is it just politicians who are too good to do any jail time for coldblooded murder and treason?) I knew not having watched the previous 5 seasons was going to be an issue at some point. So... don't know him, don't like him.

Meanwhile, The Weasel (Chad Lowe) and his loyal assassin MacGyver have put together a bomb out of ordinary office supplies, such as yellow highlighters. (Little known fact: evidently when you mix yellow highlighter fluid and pink highlighter fluid, you have a highly flammable substance. And they say TV isn't educational!)

However, Tom Lennox (the creepy sidekick guy from Ghostbusters 2) has proven that all conservatives are not the spawn of Satan by attempting to alert authorities. That didn't work out well for him. The Weasel set the bomb, and detonated it in The Good Muslim's face. The Good Muslim, being a good Muslim, threw himself across the president to try and shield him. He's dead; the president is seriously wounded. (Side note: why oh why couldn't his sister have been there? Now we're going to have to deal with her showing up at the hospital and yelling at the Secret Service. Maybe they'll shoot her. I live in hope.)

However, Tom Lennox has foiled their attempt to blame it on The Good Muslim by ratting them out to the Secret Service. However, he may be in the soup as well, since he let himself be tied up and all.

And, Mr. ex-Vice-President has failed in his attempt to get the Russian consulate dude to tell him where Gredenko is. Figures. So Jack, in a truly bizarre move, breaks into the Russian consulate and takes the Russian consulate dude hostage, using a cigar cutter to amputate excess and unnecessary digits from his hands. (Ewww.) Side note: if you are going to cut off fingers, why not go for fingers that people actually USE? Why do they always cut off the top third of the pinky? I mean, who needs the top third of their pinky? How about your ear-cleaning finger, or your nose-picking finger, or your flipping the bird finger?

Meh. At least we didn't have to deal with Morris whining about how he is less than a man because he armed a nuclear weapon for The Bad Muslim after having only one hole drilled into his body.

Meanwhile, there's a new show on NBC called The Black Donnellys. Now, first things first. The Black Donnellys aren't black. They're Black Irish. Except they're not. The Black Irish are called Black Irish because they are quite swarthy (for white folk). My grandfather definitely qualified, except he wasn't Irish (he was either Cornish or Welsh, depending on who you talk to). Picture Catherine Zeta-Jones. OK. That's the idea of Black Irish. These guys don't qualify. Only one of the four is even a brunet. The other three are blond. However, the name "Black Donnelly" is actually a reference to a historical family, although the show isn't. If that makes any sense at all. OK. I'll 'splain.

Apparently, Canada, during the settlement days, had a few lawbreakers as well. If you think about the Hatfields and McCoys, you've kind of got the picture, except apparently the Black Donnellys fought with everybody. They lived in Ontario, and a bunch of them were murdered in their beds all together one lovely night. If you go to donnellys.com, it has all the info. Quite fascinating, and nothing whatsoever to do with the show. Except that Paul Haggis is Canadian, and apparently thought it made sense. (Which is why Canadians shouldn't have nuclear weapons.)

Anyway, so this is the brainchild of Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, who wrote Crash, which I will get around to seeing one of these days. The basic storyline is about 4 brothers (named Donnelly) who are small-time crooks in a rough part of New York. (At least, I think it's supposed to be New York. I guess it could be Boston.) It's sort of like The Sopranos, except that most of the characters are Irish, not Italian. This was episode 2. So far, we have had 3 beatings, 5 or 6 murders, and one gratuitous totty scene with 2 of the brothers stripping to their skivvies, so they didn't get blood on their clothes while they dismembered a corpse.

It's pretty fast-paced, which means it's a great follow for 24, because I'm already in my adrenaline-rush, ohmigosh, gotta pay attention, can't go to the bathroom until the commercial mode. I have to say, all things considered, I am actually rooting for the (anti) heroes quite a little bit. It's not bad TV, and absolutely not boring, and had definite funny moments, albeit dark humor. It kind of keeps you guessing - there are little sleights of hand that are there. All in all, it's enjoyable, although it's not must-see TV.

However, I got to thinking about this. You know, we have all heard about the Italian Mob for decades. The Sopranos is just the latest installment, but it's been a constant theme for a looong time. Recently we have been hearing about the Irish Mob (apparently The Departed was about the Irish Mob. Haven't seen that one either). We also get treated to (especially TV) dramas involving Russians, Chinese, Vietnamese and Japanese mobsters, as well as Columbian drug cartels. And of course here in Detroit we had the Purple Gang, who were Jewish.

All of which got me thinking: Why has there never been a storyline about the Polish Mob?

I demand equal time! We Poles are capable of being excellent mobsters. I want a TV show where everyone gets together and eats golabki while they plot murders! I want a big Polish wedding scene with a polka band, where everyone does The Chicken Dance.

"Leave the gun, take the packzi."

So Just Another Random Post... NOT!!!!!!

2007-03-06T11:23:00.000-05:00

So anyway... on Friday I closed on my very first ever house! (Well, condo.) Nothing to see here. Move along. JUST KIDDING!!! READ EVERY WORD!!! SAVOR MY JOY!!!!

Needless to say, I have been slightly busy these last few days, what with packing and running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and making sure everything is done at work so I can take some vacation time to deal with the move. (I have the time; I just don't have the time, if you know what I mean!) The next 3-4 weeks promise to be just as crazy as the past couple have, but that's OK. (However, please note that posting will be catch as catch can.)

Let's start this thrilling commentary with last Wednesday night, when I spent the entire night having what I loosely define as a panic attack. What I mean is that I lay there (laid there?) all night, wide awake, doing the math over and over in my head, never totalling "enough" and convinced that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and I would end up in debtor's prison, beaking rocks next to Tiny Tim (not the ukelele player, the Dickens character).

Of course, by the clear light of day, the math does add up, and although I won't be taking all my loyal readers to dinner at 21 anytime soon, I should be able to subsist on human food, as opposed to dog food.

The actual closing went very smoothly, no thanks to the seller's agent, who looked very much as I expected him to. (Yes, I am a lookist.) The seller was delightful, and I complimented her on her taste. And I mean that. The colors she used were, without exception, not colors I would have chosen in a million years. However, with one exception, they are absolutely beautiful, and I am keeping them. AND, magically, they seem to work with my furniture and my bedding. Pretty eerie, considering that I didn't select my couch or my bedding either. The couch was an "estate" piece from my 97 year old German Tante, and it was perfect for her - lots of blue and rose colored flowers threw up all over the couch. You know, so sweet it would give Shirley Temple diabetes. Very Tante. Not me at all. But it's a perfectly good and comfortable couch, and I will use it for a while yet. (Not buying a new couch until after I replace the furnace and AC unit. How grown up is THAT?) The bedding was an item from the Boutique de Step-mere. Again, plus des fleurs. But I actually mostly like the bedding. Mostly. (They mostly come out at night. Mostly. -Eric Cartman)

Anyway, like I said, it's fairly cosmic that furniture I didn't select would go with paint I didn't pick, and come together to create a home I truly love! Because the living room walls are a beautiful light wheaty-gold which completely downplays the ultra-sweetness of the couch and makes it pretty. And the bedroom is pale mauve: lovely, calming and serene. The bathroom and the kitchen she painted in a green. And, as greens go, it's not bad. Greens are very tricky. It is quite difficult to pick a green that looks the way you think it will look on the walls. They tend to go minty or limey, or be darker than you intended. This is actually a pretty nice green. Not too dark, and no mint to it at all. Not as grey as sage, either. However, and I can absolutely say this since I spent 3 hours in the kitchen yesterday while my carpet was being installed - (I used my time wisely - lined all my cupboards!) it is a fairly depressing color to actually spend any time in. But it's not terrible, and it will keep until I get my skilled, unpaid seasonal day laborers back from south of the border. (That would be Dad and Stepmom, snowbirding it in Florida!)

According to The Clam and to The Mater, I am well ahead of the game. I do have a lot of packing done. (I actually had so much packing done I had to stop because I was running out of places to stack boxes. But now that I have taken a couple of loads over, I can pack some more. Yippee!!) I'm doing alright, but every time I look around, I just see everything else that needs to be done. I also have the uncanny ability to channel my grandmother. I can seriously hear her voice in my head - goading - er, I mean, prodding me to do "just one more thing, because it's one less thing I will have to do later."

And of course Grandma's right. Because a week from tonight, I will be officially living there. (I still have till the end of the month to get all my stuff out, which is a whole nother post.) But I will be where my bed is, and my bed will be at the new place a week from today. So I know the crunch ain't over!

But I am just sooo excited about this whole process that I cannot contain myself, and even though I am exhausted and should be working through my lunch instead of posting, I had to do it!

So I am officially a grownup, albeit a grownup who still remembers most of the verses to the diarrhea song (All together now: When you're sliding into first, and you're feeling something burst...)

Home Buying Update

2007-02-26T13:01:00.000-05:00

Ok, so, not to tempt Fate or anything, but I am scheduled to close on my new place this Friday. (Gasp!)

The next 3 weeks are soooo busy that I had to write up a calendar to keep everything straight.

I have plenty of vacation time, personal time etc., but the problem is, we are really busy at work right now (Lent is a busy season for Church work) so even though I have the time, I really shouldn't take it, if you know what I mean.

Plus there's all the details of stuff that must be done - locks changed, cupboards washed out etc. Plus moving everything I own (and getting rid of a lot of stuff).

Plus Mom's relocating the to southwest, and there's a family gathering later in March, including out of town family.

The next few weeks promise to be a little ... strained as I desperately try to get everything done. However, it's also very exciting.

If you think of it, a prayer or two would certainly be appreciated.

SHE DID IT!

2007-02-26T12:49:00.000-05:00

And I was there - I witnessed it!

This Saturday at the Cathedral of the Most Blessed Sacrament, my baby seester, The Clam Rampant, solemnly declared her intent to enter into full communion with the Catholic Church this Easter! I am only slightly chuffed about this - I have been holding my breath for months!

She has even bought cards to send invitations to family members to attend the Easter Vigil on Holy Saturday and watch her get initiated. (A big step for her, since "The Clam" is a nickname I came up with based on how secretive she is.) They probably won't come, since it's a really long service, and they are not down with the Holy Father at all, but at least the info will be out there and I won't feel like Agent 99 anymore. (If you don't know who Agent 99 is, you need to check out Get Smart!)

I was thinking I should take a picture and post it, but then I realized that I would have to edit her out of the picture, so there wouldn't be much point...

Well, I blew it...once

2007-02-26T12:36:00.000-05:00

So far the giving up sarcasm for Lent thing is going pretty well. I have only had 1 major gaffe. Of course, part of the problem is I'm not entirely sure I can differentiate between "sarcasm" and "making a joke." I have a great vocabulary, but I cannot for the life of me define a word. (Does that make sense?)

However, The Clam and I were riding in my automobile to dinner after the Rite of Election at the Cathedral and she mentioned wanting to attend the Chrism Mass this year (Heathen alert: the Chrism Mass takes place on Holy Thursday (the day before Good Friday, just before Easter) and this is the Mass where the oil gets blessed (oil which gets used for Baptisms and Last Rites) for the next year.) So The Clam says she wants to go because (1) she's never been to one before (which I don't think is that uncommon - lots of Catholics have never been to a Chrism Mass, which isn't to say they shouldn't go) and (2) they are, after all, going to anoint her with it during the Easter Vigil Mass on Holy Saturday. To which I reply (without even thinking about it) "So you want to be sure they don't spit in it?"

See? This is the kind of thing I am talking about. It just shot out there. No forethought. On the one hand, it's nice to have a quick wit. On the other hand, it can occasionally be...inappropriate (dontcha think?!) I need to get a curb on this now, before I get older and suffer a stroke and really can't control what I say.

OTOH, the compromise I worked out with my canon lawyer friend to not deprive my mother of my wit during her last few weeks in town seems to be working well.

How's your Lent going?

In the Name of the...

2007-02-20T16:15:00.000-05:00

One more hahaha post before Lent. Just one!

The Anglicans have been meeting, and bickering over various minor doctrinal issues, like whether or not they are Christians. (Yeah, I know. Pray for them, and I'm not kidding.)

I have always loved a particular Simpsons episode (you're shocked, aren't you?) where Marge tells 3 history stories: Henry VIII, Lewis & Clark, and Mozart.

Excerpts from the Henry VIII story:

Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: (to Homer/Henry VIII) Divorce! Well, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church! But it's the only church we got, so what are you gonna do?

Homer/Henry VIII: I'll start my own church!

Which leads to this (as Henry marries Ann Boleyn):

Bishop Lovejoy: And by the power vested in me, (points to Homer/Henry) by you just now, I now pronounce you King and Trophy Queen. In the name of the Henry, the Hank, and the Holy Harry, amen...Henry.

Yup.

Big Blog Day

2007-02-20T14:39:00.000-05:00

I guess I'm trying to get all jokes out of me before tomorrow, so be sure to scroll down...

A Britney Spears Related Post

2007-02-20T14:20:00.000-05:00

Now, you know how I feel about celebrities. You know how much I despise the deification of ethical morons, so I hope you are looking at this post and saying, "Hmm. What is TBS going to bring to this whole 3-ring circus that is positive?"

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/20/britneyspears.tv.ap/index.html

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Craig Ferguson decided not to poke fun at Britney Spears for at least one night.

The host of CBS' "The Late Late Show" told viewers Monday that after seeing photos of the 25-year-old pop star's shaved head, he reconsidered making jokes at the expense of the "vulnerable."

(snip)

"For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it," Ferguson said. "It should be about attacking the powerful -- the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards -- going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable."

A rare glimpse of polite behavior in an increasingly impolite society.

AHA!!!!!

2007-02-20T13:56:00.000-05:00

As a few of the readers of this blog know, while The Big Seester (that's me!) has been a Catholic for four score and seven years, The Baby Seester (The Clam) is currently swimming the Tiber, and unless something radical happens, will become an official Catholic this Easter! (hurray!)

Quick aside: St. Monica and I have been palling it up for many years over this little heathen. I have attended the Saturday afternoon St. Monica Sodality Mass at my parish for a looong time. If you don't know who St. Monica is, here's a wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Monica. (Note: if wikipedia says that St. Monica was on the grassy knoll, ignore it. Wiki gets funny like that sometimes.)

So, imagine my surprise when I read this comment from The Clam on a blog I check regularly:

Incidentally, it was women priests that broke me out of my last delusions of Episcopalianism as well. I hadn't been inside an Episcopal church in years, but having been christened and confirmed Episcopal, when The Canuck and I were trying to compromise on churches, I figured that (or maybe Lutheranism) would work.

Then he and I visited St. Paul's (Anglican) Cathedral in London (Ontario), and I was ok until the female priest started consecrating the Eucharist. Despite never having had a particular opinion about female priests, I had this visceral "no, there is something NOT RIGHT about this!" reaction, and I walked us out of the church. We tried to be discreet, but unfortunately that meant going up a side aisle while people were going up for Communion, and we had to walk right past the woman in question, who (for some reason that's beyond me) was helping with the ushers' job of releasing rows of pews. She didn't look too chuffed at our walking AWAY from the altar rather than towards it, and we had to practically force our way past her, but we did it.

The funniest part was, when we got out of the building and were walking towards the car, the first words out of my mouth were "Don't tell my sister - she'll never let me live it down!" (She's been telling me for years that I'm a closet conservative.)

But that did it - I realized that since the Anglican and Episcopal churches permit women's ordination, they were not the right churches for me. The Episcopal parish I belonged to for several years had only a male priest, and was very traditional (we kneeled at the rail to receive Communion, etc.), and I could have sought out a parish like that now. But like you, I said "Even if my parish and I are a good fit, how can I be part of that larger body that I think is wrong?" Which is what amazes me about the Call To Action type of response: rather than saying "I don't fit into this larger body; I should go somewhere where I do fit" they seem to be saying "This larger body does not fit me, but I should not have to change; the larger body should change to fit me." I don't get it.

Now, when The Clam casually mentioned that she was doing some Catholic reading, I said, very casually, "Oh. That's nice."

When she said that she was attending Catechism classes, but that didn't mean she HAD to enter the Church at Easter, I said, "Of course it doesn't. You're just getting educated."

When she posted that she had finally "gotten" Mary, I commented that I was really glad that she understood that we don't worship Mary.

When she invited me to attend the Rite of Election and watch her sign her name into the Book of Life, I said, "Sure I'll come."

If she actually enters the Church at the Easter Vigil, I will be there to offer warm congratulations and a thoughtful gift.

But I will interiorly be saying I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!

Incidentally, if you are interested, the blog I mentioned is The Kraalspace, by a hilarious woman named Dr. Mabuse. Here's the link: http://kraalspace.blogspot.com/

I Almost Forgot! Happy Paczki Day!

2007-02-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

So today is Shrove Tuesday, or Fat Tuesday (which, in French, is "Mardi Gras"). Traditionally it is the day when everyone used up their eggs and lard and stuff before Ash Wednesday, which is the beginning of Lent. This has created many traditions around Christendom, depending on where you are.

Here in Detroit, we have a Polish tradition: Paczki (pronounced POONCH-key). They are jelly donuts on steroids. I cannot remember the calorie and fat breakdown. It is impressive. Like when they were trying to kill Homer The Food Critic, and the French Chef made that monster eclair...good times.

Here's an article from The Detroit News about Paczki: http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070220/METRO/702200345

Plus, check it out - there's a wiki! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paczki

Of course, we in the western Church (i.e. The Roman Catholic Church) don't really do the serious fasting that they still mostly do in the eastern Churches. I'm not sure why. My instinct is to blame the 60s. And Jane Fonda.

Anyway, if you are anywhere near a Polish bakery, have a paczek today. The calories don't count today. And, like we are all Irish on March 17th, we are all Polish on Fat Tuesday.

Unless we're French. Then we get drunk and flash strangers while wearing brightly colored beads.

I prefer being Polish, myself.

File Under "D" for "DUH"!

2007-02-20T12:52:00.000-05:00

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,252859,00.html

Report: Sexual Images Psychologically Damaging Young Girls
Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Sexualized images in the media are psychologically damaging young girls and corrupting childhood, according to a group of psychologists.

The report says that virtually all media forms are promoting inappropriate images of products such as toys and clothing that are harmful to girls’ self image and healthy development.

It specifically criticizes Bratz dolls, which come dressed in miniskirts and fishnet stockings and outsell Barbie dolls in Britain by two to one.

Asda (a British megastore) has been condemned for marketing black lacy underwear to nine-year-olds.

The American Psychological Association’s (APA) report says that marketing companies take advantage of youngsters’ desire for affection and the need to conform, leading to eating disorders, low self-esteem and depression.

Academics believe that the influence and attitudes of parents, siblings, and friends can also add to the pressures of sexualization.

Eileen Zurbriggen, the APA’s chairman, said: “The consequences of the sexualization of girls in media are likely to be a negative influence on girls’ healthy development. We have ample evidence to conclude that sexualization has negative effects in a variety of domains, including cognitive functioning, physical and mental health, and healthy sexual development.”

The report says that parents can play a role in contributing to the sexualization of their daughters or can play a protective and educative role.

I Really Don't Understand This

2007-02-20T12:48:00.000-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/19/homeless.attacks/index.html

How much of a sociopath do you have to be to beat a homeless person to death? I mean, these people are already down on their luck.

Is this a natural outcome of our current "some people are more worthy that others" culture? Are we deciding that homeless people aren't worth anything?

Life unworthy of life, as the Nazis used to say?

Update on Lent: It Still Starts Tomorrow!

2007-02-20T12:38:00.000-05:00

Sinners, start your penances!

OK. That's probably the only NASCAR-ish joke you'll ever see on this blog.

So I mentioned to the maternal unit that I was giving up sarcasm for Lent this year, and she FREAKED. "It's the only thing I like about you!" she wailed. (Well, not really, but pretty close. It was one of her favorite things about me, was what she actually said.) She plead her case - she's moving out of town at the end of March, and "needs" my sense of humor for these next weeks.

Darn it, I thought. She ruins everything! I come up with the PERFECT penance for me (well, OK, it was actually The Clam's idea - she says I bogarted it from her) and Mom says I can't do it. This is JUST LIKE when she said I couldn't be a Catholic when I was 5. HAH! I'll show her!

Ahem. So anyway. I emailed my own, personal canon lawyer with the conundrum (does that pesky commandment about honoring parents outweigh the fact that this is such a great penance for me?) and he replied. Here's his response:

"How about this – as a suggestion – you allow yourself free license with your sarcastic wit when you’re around your mother, but try and keep track and, at the end of the day, say one Hail Mary for each sarcastic comment you’ve made. I’m borrowing that suggestion from an old monastic practice - if meat was forbidden but a guest came and desired meat for dinner, he would be served meat, and, to make him more comfortable, the rest of the community would eat meat as well. Then, when the guest left, the community would do penance for eating meat, even though it was done with the right intentions."

Sounds like a plan, Stan!

The Gospel According to St. Al

2007-02-19T12:32:00.000-05:00

This article really bugged me:

http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070219/NEWS06/702190374

Michiganders preach Al Gore's global warming gospel

Gore has personally trained 1,000 disciples.

Part cheerleaders, part angels of gloom, they are fanning across the country with copies of his climate change slide show

Now, I am not a scientist. I really don't know what to make of the whole global warming issue. But I do know this: Al Gore isn't Jesus.

Whatever happened to reporters who could write without hyperbole? Between Mother Nature assassinating us with every storm and St. Al preaching the Sermon on the Mount, the entire concept of print journalism is really starting to cheese me off.

Except for The Economist, of course!

Remember, Man, That Thou Art Dust

2007-02-16T12:11:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe that next Wednesday is already Ash Wednesday! It always seems to get the jump on me. These are the days when all Catholics, good, bad and indifferent, ponder one important question:

What am I going to give up for Lent this year?

Now, you must understand that I was not raised Catholic. If you've been reading The Clam's blog, you see she is currently sweating over who in the family to "come out to" as a Catholic. So most of my Lenten knowledge comes from the neighbor kids, who were not only Catholic, but they also went to Catholic school, wearing actual uniforms and everything, which meant they knew about everything Catholic, right? Therefore, I learned that you must give up something you love for Lent, but you get Sundays off. When you are a kid, that means one thing: give up candy, except on Sundays when you can gorge yourself.

Unfortunately, when I went through RCIA, the priest was more than a little reluctant to talk about uncool things like penance, fasting, sin...you know, all the downers that make the Catholic Church seem to be too demanding of us. Not that that excuses me from not knowing it now, so I am attempting to make up for the deficit now.

Whassup? well...

http://asksistermarymartha.blogspot.com/2007/02/plans-for-lent.html

Sr. Mary Martha (one of the best blogs on the entire internet) has posted about giving things up for Lent. As usual, she is fearless. She's not afraid to call sin sin, but she's always funny about it. In this case she speaks directly to what tends to be a problem for would-be pentitents at Lent: the side benefit. You know..."I can give up candy for Lent, and as a side benefit, I'll probably drop about 5 lbs!" WRONG!!!!! It is NOT pentitence if there's a side benefit, according to Sr. MM. (I am inclined to believe her, especially since I kind of went through this discussion in my head about going on a verrrry strict diet over Lent. My original feeling was that I would be more disciplined to stick to it if the threat of extra years in Purgatory was hanging over my head. Then I thought, "Wait. Would I be doing this for ME or for HIM?")

So The Clam and I have had a discussion about what we can give up that will not give us a side benefit. She came up with a terrific idea, and I am going to use it as well: I am giving up sarcasm for Lent. Now, if you know me at all, you know how difficult that will be for me. My blog may well be really boring for the next several weeks. One of the things I hear as a compliment the most often is how funny I am. I don't have that reputation because I know so many knock-knock jokes. This promises to be difficult for me, since so much of how I see myself is based on my ability to make people laugh.

Of course I will do the requisite fasting as well, but this won't be focused on giving up any particular food.

This promises to be much tougher.

So what about you? What are you giving up for Lent? Also, do you have a book of Lenten reflections? Which one are you using?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on any or all of this!

Who Is This "Wavy Gravy"?

2007-02-15T14:56:00.000-05:00

Just in case you are unclear on who Wavy Gravy is (i.e. you are under 40 and/or you never went through a hippie phase in your teens or early twenties), here's some info:

http://www.wavygravy.net/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wavy_Gravy

Hmmm. Why are hotlinks no longer working? Stupid Google "you must upgrade your blogger" people. I hate change! (whiny voice) CLAM, YOU MUST HELP ME! YOU MUST STAY HOME FROM STUPID STINKY CANADA THIS WEEKEND TO HELP ME FIX WHATEVER I HAVE DONE TO THIS BLOG (AND HELP ME POST PICS OF THE WITTLE BABIES)!!! Ok, you can still go to Canada. But it's really cold up there and they are completely buried in snow.

Anyway, back to Wavy Gravy. Here's a couple of quotes from the wiki: "Wavy Gravy is a life-long activist for peace and personal empowerment, best known for his hippie appearance, personality, and beliefs." And "Wavy Gravy's clown personna grew out of his political activism. Constantly being arrested at demonstrations, he decided he would be less likely to be busted if he dressed as a clown. "Clowns are safe," as he put it." (Yeah, unless the clown turns out to be John Wayne Gacy, you stoner!)

How did I, who has neither attained the age of 40 nor experienced any latent hippie tendencies, learn of this man called Gravy?

Same way I learn almost everything - from cartoons! The Simpsons, to be exact! There's a flashback episode where we learn that my fave character, Mr. Burns, went undercover in the 60s to sink a Greenpeace boat. When he succeeds, he says: It was I, you fools! The man you trusted wasn't Wavy Gravy at all! [tosses a guitar away] And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco. (I could be wrong, but I think that's the episode where Rodney Dangerfield played his long-lost son.)

So of course I had to discover what THAT was all about.

Sweet! And I Really Mean That...

2007-02-15T14:48:00.000-05:00

Check it out! Ben & Jerry's is naming an ice cream after the King of Truthiness, our next president, Stephen Colbert!!!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070214/ap_en_tv/people_stephen_colbert

It is called Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream, subtitled "The Sweet Taste of Liberty in Your Mouth." It is vanilla (naturally!) with fudge-covered waffle cone pieces and caramel. Sounds like it's right up my alley! Diet? What diet?

Here's an excerpt from the article, in case the link drops:

The Vermont-based ice-cream maker is known for naming its flavors after people such as Jerry Garcia, Wavy Gravy and the band Phish — which Colbert sees as a political bias.

"I'm not afraid to say it. Dessert has a well-known liberal agenda," Colbert said in a statement. "What I hope to do with this ice cream is bring some balance back to the freezer case."

BTW, I just want you to know that I emailed this article to The Clam, after which I got a phone call from her telling me I'd been "scooped" (isn't she funny?) by regular reader DJ, who sent the article to her, suggesting she send it to me.

Great minds think alike, DJ!!!

This one's a thinker

2007-02-14T14:28:00.000-05:00

Not a Socrates thinker...a pop culture thinker. One of the websites I check periodically is called "Overheard at Western." Important point of fact: as I have pointed out previously on this blog, to our north is a large land mass which is called "Canada." (Well, in Detroit Canada is south of us, but that's a whole 'nother post.) "Canada" is commonly known by many Americans as "the 51st state" (what that does to Puerto Rico's feelings I don't know, but there it is).

However, those many Americans are wrong. "Canada" is an independent country (well, the Queen of England is on their money, so that's a somewhat debatable point, but they are independent of us). As an independent country, they have set up their own educational system, where they teach people to spell all words with random "U"s. Also, their mascot is a fighting maple leaf.

One of the best universities is Canada is the University of Western Ontario. It is considered to be in Canada's Ivy League. Well, there are those at Western who are challenging that reputation. Thus, "Overheard at Western" is a compilation of remarks which do not distinguish the speakers as Einstein's grandchildren. (Much like when Letterman and Leno talk to the man on the street.)

I checked the website on lunch today (it was a busy lunch!) and found this gem:

Coming soon to a theatre near you: Betty Rizzo Does Ivey.
Guy: So, what's your business plan?
Girl: Pink. We're all girls, and we all wear pink.

Now, the reason I chose this particular excerpt is not because what was overheard was so darn funny, but because whoever posted it made a really first class pop culture reference. I am something of a pop culture rainman (as in, once I hear it, it's in there forever, whether I want it to be or not, Chachi!) and it still took me a minute.

Anybody get it? Anyone?

Ring-a-Ding-Ding!!!

2007-02-14T13:06:00.000-05:00

OK, so the 1960s are known for many things, but one of the reasons I like the 60s is: Spies! The 60s gave birth to the whole love affair with spies. I mean, James Bond is the most obvious example of this phenom, but there was also James Coburn's Derek Flint (In Like Flint and Our Man Flint), plus the TV show I Spy (featuring young and handsome Bill Cosby and Robert Culp - lately seen as Debra's dad on Everybody Loves Raymond, but forever beloved by me as the FBI agent in Greatest American Hero, a show before its time). And then there was the cat so cool that my granddad named the family cat after him - Napoleon Solo in The Man from UNCLE.

Of course all this spy stuff gave birth to rollicking send-ups almost immediately. The one that leaps to mind is the TV show Get Smart, which I discovered during the summer months as a child in the 70s, when there was no cable and that was how they filled the long hours during the day - no Jerry Springer back then either. But there was also a very funny send-up of James Bond, called Casino Royale, which I believe was actually co-written by Ian Fleming, which starred Peter Sellers (always a man before his time as well) as James Bond.

So you see, boys and girls, as funny as Austin Powers was, Mike Myers wasn't the first to come up with the concept. However, there are SO MANY tie-ins to original 60s spy stuff that most of the jokes have further meaning if you are conversant in the originals. I am pretty conversant, but I was amazed to discover the source for Felicity Shagwell (from the second AP movie). Are you ready for this?

DEAN MARTIN STARRED IN FOUR SPY MOVIES IN THE 60S. Yes, you heard that right - my favorite alcoholic celebrity of all time (and a very handsome and talented one to boot) starred in Four Groovy Spy Thrillers in the Swinging Sixties!

Not only that, his co-stars (for you fellas out there) included Tina Louise (Ginger from Gilligan's Island), Ann-Margret, Elke Sommer and Sharon Tate (yes, that one). In fact, Sharon Tate's character in the fourth "Matt Helm" movie was the basis for Felicity Shagwell. Betcha didn't know that!

It appears there were 4 Matt Helm movies: The Silencers (1966), Murderer's Row (1966), The Ambushers (1967) and The Wrecking Crew (1969). The bad news is: according to Netflix, the only one currently available on DVD is The Silencers.

But, oh baby, is it EVER on my Netflix list! Ring-a-Ding-Ding!!!

Nooooooo! Say it ain't so, Frank and Joe!

2007-02-14T11:50:00.000-05:00

Cruise, Stiller to star in Hardy Boys movie
"Tom Cruise and Ben Stiller will play the leads in 20th Century Fox's The Hardy Men, an action-comedy based on the Hardy Boys mystery novels. Shawn Levy will direct. The movie is about the Hardy Boys, after they've grown up and gone on to live separate lives, coming together one last time to solve a case. Stiller will produce with his Red Hour partner Stuart Cornfeld, along with Robert Kosberg, who owned the original Hardy Boys rights and first brought the project to Red Hour eight years ago. Production is scheduled to start some time next year. Stiller and Cruise are also discussing a potential team-up for Tropic Thunder, the movie Stiller is directing for DreamWorks. That movie is being distributed by Paramount, the studio that publicly cut ties with Cruise last year." (Variety)

Well, crud. There's another good childhood memory down the tubes. Next, Jessica Simpson will play Nancy Drew.

Have I ever mentioned that when the TV series was on in the 70s (with Parker Stevenson as Frank Hardy and Sean Cassidy as Joe Hardy) I decided that Frank was the guy for me?!?!

I had read some of the books, but it was the TV show that made me realize that Frank was my dream man - he had a J-O-B, plus (and this was something that I hadn't clued into reading the books for some reason) Joe would always get into trouble and need to get rescued by Frank. So honestly, who would you rather be with - the guy that you end up locked in the dungeon with, or the guy that gets you OUT of the dungeon?

To me that's a no-brainer.

Are You a Genius?

2007-02-13T15:18:00.000-05:00

So one of the blogs I lurk on (and occasionally post on) is Captain Capitalism, who appears to be an economist from the great state of Minnehaha. Uh, I mean Minnesota. (Part of the reason why I don't list the "cool blogs you should check out" is because mine make me appear to be very Sybill-like. There's the Cap'n, a couple of blogs for fans of Coronation Street, various Catholic blogs, Mike Straka's Grrr! column, blogs o' me mates, and many others. I'm just crazy like that! The other reason is because I don't know how.)

Anyway, today's entry was quite amusing, and I found it to be an excellent quiz, so I'm borrowing it. (I hope he doesn't mind too much!) Here's the link:

http://captaincapitalism.blogspot.com/2007/02/genius-test.html#comments

His basic premise is that we tend to pay attention to the wrong things in this country, and he uses the Grammies as an example of that. Now, I have 'fessed up to watching the first 5 minutes (see previous post about Sting's dreaminess). However, I don't watch the Grammies, Emmies, Oscars, or any of the others.

But he has composed a "negative knowledge" IQ test - in other words, you are smart based on the stuff you DON'T know, as much as the stuff you DO know. (DJ, you are SOOOOO going to ace this test!)

So, without further ado, here's the quiz, with my answers. But do check his original post out, because (1) it's funny, (2) he seems to not suffer fools gladly either, and (3) it's just polite, since the quiz is his baby, and not mine!

Questionnaire 1 -

1. What are the Grammys for?
Philosophically speaking, they are yet another chance for celebrities to pat themselves on the back and gush over how much better they are than the schlumphs who buy their records/go to their movies/watch their TV shows.

2. Name one person on the current episode of Lost.
Never saw it.

3. Where is the welfare office in your county?
They're separated by county? Good to know. I'm going to make an edjumacated guess and say "in Detroit" in Wayne County. And probably "in Pontiac" in Oakland County.

4. T/F Dawsons Creek was about a guy named Dawson and the creek he owned.
Never saw it.

5. Name one contestant on Teen Idol.
There's a show called Teen Idol?

6. Sing the lyrics to a modern day song played on the teeny bopper girly station.
I'm guessing the words "Oooh Baby" are in there somewhere.

7. If you wanted to get meth, where would you go to get it?
From a meth dealer, of course! Once again, the correct answer appears to be "in Detroit".

8. Name any member of any present day boy band.
Tito.

9. What is the rough price of a shirt at the GAP and/or Ambercrombie and Fitch?
No clue.

10. If you went to college, where was the sociology department headquartered?
Next to the women's studies building?

Questionnaire 2 -

1. What war was Pearl Harbor in?
Well, actually, Pearl Harbor wasn't IN the war - Japan attacked the United States, causing the US to ENTER WW2. But since we weren't at war at the time, I don't think you can actually ask the question that way. Of course, we were at war within a day or two.

Bonus point: my great uncle was there.

2. Name a president from the 80's.
Ronald Reagan/George HW Bush.

Bonus point: the PM of GB was Margaret Thatcher.

3. Point north.
I will have you know that I DO know direction. My dad insisted, and I couldn't get a license until I could give him directions without saying "Left" or "Right".

Let me just tell you guys that, when I meet a man who can't figure out direction, it really lowers him in my estimation.

Take the quiz and enjoy! Post the results in the comments section, and feel free to post on the Cap'n's blog to let him know you enjoyed the quiz!

Last Night's 24 (Spoiler Warning!)

2007-02-13T13:22:00.000-05:00

Wow. I cannot believe I am now a person who discusses 24 on her blog. But the only person I know who watches it regularly is The Canuck, and calling him in Canada gets really expensive.

Although I called him in Canada Sunday night because (embarrassing self-revelation) I watched the first 5 minutes of (gasp!) The Grammies on Sunday, because I wanted to see The Police perform. (Don't worry - I turned it off right after that!) Now, I know what you are thinking. When I was in Junior High and High School, The Police were really cool. All the guys I knew loved The Police (in a totally hetero way, of course). I wasn't too into them - the same guys who loved them also loved Rush and D&D. You know, white nerdy boys. (The guys that rule the planet today.) I just thought Sting was h-o-t. And then there were the rumors about...tantric...hmmm.

Looking back, I appreciate them more now than I did then. Their music is very intelligent for Rock and/or Roll. Well, I wanted to see if they still had their musical chops. I thought they did a great job (and Sting is still looking most excellent, although I hear the tantric thing was just a rumor). But at the very end of the performance, I thought I saw evidence of lip-synching. Just for a second. So I called The Canuck, who I knew was going to be watching "Just The Police" too.

"Were they lip-synching?" queried I. "How should I know?" replied The (legally blind) Canuck. Oops! What a maroon! (Me, not him.)

Anyhoo, when I saw him this weekend, I was bursting to talk 24, and he very rudely hadn't see the last episode, so I couldn't talk about Morris being abducted or James Cromwell killing Graem Bauer. It was killing me!

So I tuned into the double episode last night, thinking to myself that whoever they hired to do the previews wasn't very good at his job, because "they gave away everything" before I even turned on the show. (You know how sometimes you see a preview for a movie and you think, "Wow. Thanks. Now I don't have to see the movie!" That's what it felt like!)

I couldn't have been more wrong. They killed off both Darren McCarthy (is the name a tribute to Darren McCarty, the former Red Wing? I hear Kiefer's a fan...) and his arm candy (who apparently didn't have a name). James Cromwell has shown his evil side to Graem's widow, and Chad Lowe is plotting to assassinate the President. (And the evil lackey from Ghostbusters 2 is OK with that. Maybe Prince Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia, can be elected?)

My thoughts are as follows:

1. If they assassinate Junior Palmer, can they take out his sister too? Please?
2. I wish they hadn't shown James Cromwell's evil guy hand just yet. I was really enjoying his sociopathy.
3. I still don't like cross-eyed chick (The Canuck informs me that her actual name is Potato Face) but I was glad she had the chutzpah to tell Morris to quit feeling sorry for himself.
4. Why didn't Marilyn trust Jack? Why does NO ONE trust Jack until it's too late???

Tune in next week for our next exciting episode...

So she quit...

2007-02-13T12:42:00.000-05:00

Amanda Marcotte, one of the two bloggers John Edwards hired that had all kinds of anti-Catholic (and anti-Christian) rhetoric on their blogs, has quit the Edwards campaign. (I posted on this situation a few days ago.)

In her statement, she said that the criticism "was creating a situation where I felt that every time I coughed, I was risking the Edwards campaign."

She also said, "No matter what you think about the campaign, I signed on to be a supporter and a tireless employee for them, and if I can't do the job I was hired to do because Bill Donohue doesn't have anything better to do with his time than harass me, then I won't do it."

Um, OK. First of all, she did a leeeeetle bit more than cough. She was loudly and virulently anti-Catholic. And secondly, actually, Bill Donohue DOESN'T have anything "better to do." THAT'S HIS JOB. You know, just like the NAACP, or the B'nai Brith. Donohue is PAID TO ENSURE that Catholics get the same respect as any other group.

If you don't see the problem with what she wrote, just try substituting "Black" or "Jew" in any of her blog entries. Where people are listed, put MLK's name. Oh. Now you get it.

I must admit, though that I thought The Anchoress had a really good take on this. Here's the link: http://theanchoressonline.com/2007/02/08/blogmistresses-not-fired-by-edwards-alrighty-then/

I'm particularly referring to the list...

I just think it's really sad that we live in a country where we can:
1. hang a "dream catcher"
2. do zen meditation
3. become a wiccan
but Christians are somehow mentally deficient morons. If you want to be a wiccan, fine. But have the same respect for my beliefs that you expect for yours.

Or, as Jesus said, "Do unto others, as you would have other do unto you."

Or even, as Mom would say, "If you can't say something nice..."

Anna Nicole, Marilyn and Me

2007-02-09T12:15:00.000-05:00

This post is going to be a little soul-revealing, so if you get embarrassed by that kind of stuff, you may want to skip it. It's certainly not going to be one of my oh-so-witty send-ups. Also, since I am talking about personal stuff, I would ask that any comments you make be delivered gently, and with respect.

So you've probably heard that Anna Nicole Smith died yesterday. It seems that everyone has an opinion of her, and they are all over the internet. Well, here's my opinion, for what it's worth.

I felt sorry for her. I know, I know. You're thinking: she was gorgeous, rich and famous. I skimmed a tribute page, and one woman talked about how: She had it together, and she didn’t care what anyone thought. That’s so not true. People who have it together don’t abuse drugs or alcohol. And everyone cares what people think. To not care what people think is the definition of a sociopath. Of course she cared. It was clear to me that she was in pain.

To me she seemed like such a pathetic figure. I know she clearly styled herself after Marilyn Monroe, and that fits, because Marilyn was also tragic, needy and desperate for attention. I'm very familiar with Marilyn, because, you see, I used to emulate her too. Everyone who knows me personally (instead of electronically) knows that I am a huge old movie buff. I discovered old movies when I was around 12 or 13. Don't ask me why, but out of all the old time movie queens I could have chosen, I decided Marilyn was the bees’ knees. Actually, I know why. Because just the word "Marilyn" is enough to make men drool. (Well, some men.) She (on the surface anyway) seems to be what men want: blonde, buxom, beautiful, sexy, compliant and not too bright. You know, like a walking, talking Barbie Doll. The reality is, of course, very different, on a number of levels. I now am older and wiser and realize that not all men like the Marilyns of this world. But, you know, when you are 16, the world seems very black and white.

But there's another layer to the reality beneath the myth: Marilyn was sad. By that I mean she was depressed, yes, but I also mean she was clingy, needy and terrified of being left. She was an emotional black hole. Arthur Miller (her third husband) once commented that there was not enough love in the universe to satisfy her. That kind of person (male or female) is impossible to live with in the long run.

But as a teen, I fell for the fantasy. Why? Well, it was a combination of things. The Ugly Duckling Syndrome was part of it. (I was a very homely child.) All of a sudden, as a teenager, I wasn't so homely anymore. Men stared at me. I got hit on a lot. All the things that had been drawbacks when I was a child were assets: my height, my bone structure, my coloring, my cheekbones. And there is definite power in female sexuality. Add to that a less-than-stellar childhood and you have an emotional basket-case in a pretty package. Looking back on those years now, I find myself more embarrassed by them than my whole homely childhood.

I was fortunate. I never ended up a stripper, a centerfold, a hooker, a drug addict or even a slut. I did end up making some choices involving men that have done me lasting damage. I don't look at men the same way I used to. In some ways that is a good thing: men don't have the power over me that they used to, and I'm certainly not interested in the kind of validation that a man ogling me used to give me. But the negative side of not looking at men the same way is that I don't trust easily.

I have known intuitively for years that I want to be seen as a person with dignity and worth. I want a man to fall in love with me, not my body. I knew that when I was 16. But I didn't make a connection between the way I dressed and the kind of men I attracted. It's all about market analysis, you know. Men who are only looking for a little fun will be interested in the pretty, shiny packaging. They may or may not ever care about what's underneath. To that extent, perhaps like attracts like. Perhaps they really are that shallow themselves.

But I don't want shallow. I want depth. I want a man to fall in love with my soul, the essence of who I am. And it's much easier to see someone's soul when they dress modestly. It's very hard to vocalize why. There are religious aspects, sure, but I don't want this to be about religion. Because I wish all women, whether they have a religion or not, could understand the power of dressing modestly. And I do mean power. I choose who sees this or that part of me, I choose how much I want to reveal to the general public. I say to the world at large: if you want to get to know me, you have to look deeper, you have to scratch the surface, but it’s worth it. I’m worth it. I know I have more to offer a man than my body and my face. After all, time does march on, and everyone either ages or ends up looking like Joan Rivers. I have intelligence, kindness, humor, warmth, compassion, joy, loyalty…and dignity. It took me a long time to decide that I was selling myself short by selling myself. There’s a popular idea that women who dress modestly are repressed, or oppressed, or both. People who say that have no idea what they are talking about. You want to talk about being oppressed? You have your wardrobe dictated to you by a bunch of fashion designers. Where’s the power in following the crowd like a sheep? I derive so much strength from the way I dress, and it’s clear to people who know me. I’m much more self-assured, much more able to speak my mind, much more relaxed in my own skin than I ever used to be. It’s an incredible feeling.

I just wish I could have told Anna Nicole. She deserved better. She was worth more than that. We all are.

Faith Based Humor

2007-02-08T13:58:00.000-05:00

It's pretty clear from reading this blog that I am a Simpsons fan. So, in order to calm myself down, I thought I'd post some of the religious humor from that show:

Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian (Ned), Jew (Krusty), or ... miscellaneous (Apu).
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

Homer: No offense Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whiz.
Apu: Mr. Simpson, please pay for your services and get out and come again!

Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Apu: By the 7 arms of Vishnu, I swear it. I am not a Hindu.

Carl: This candy is subpar. Any religion that embraces carob is not for Carl Carlson.

Lisa: I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is. All I know is he's more powerful than Mom and Dad put together.

Marge : Aren't you going to perform the last rites?
Rev. Lovejoy : That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.

Lisa: Everyone should be able to choose their faith, just like I chose Buddhism.
Father Sean: Buddhism? (laughs) Well, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends.

Homer: [childproofing Apu's apartment] Avoid overly pointy deities. You should get yourself a nice, round Buddha.
Apu: Sir, I am a Hindu!
Homer: Well, so am I, but I don't get all huffy about it!

OK. I'm in a happy place now...

John Edwards and Catholics

2007-02-08T13:33:00.000-05:00

Well, OK. I wasn't going to get into this, but...

Apparently John Edwards (the cream cheese presidential candidate, not the "sinners in the hands of an angry God" guy) has hired two bloggers to help reach out to his constitunecy in preparation for the elections. (Aside: I cannot tell you how much I am dreading the next year and a half - we are already hearing about this stuff ad nauseum, and it's only Feb '07.)

Apparently these two gals are a little anti-Catholic. I wasn't going to get bunged up over this. After all, this is America - free speech and all that good stuff. Plus, you know, the Catholic League is all over this like white on rice.

Then I read this on one of the blogs:

Q: What if Mary had taken Plan B after the Lord filled her with his hot, white, sticky Holy Spirit?
A: You’d have to justify your misogyny with another ancient mythology.

Ok. WOW. That is so beyond insulting it's unbelievable. The Holy Spirit is God, people! Let me say that again for all those (like me) post-60s Gen X types who may be a little unclear on the concept: THE HOLY SPIRIT IS GOD. Comparing the Holy Spirit to semen is disgusting. It is more than disgusting. It is blasphemy. This particular insult has nothing to do with being anti-Catholic. This is (or should be) equally insulting to all Christians (except unitarians, and I mean theological unitarians, not the actual group).

This is HUGE. Crucifix in a bottle of pee offensive.

And John Edwards, who claims to be a Christian, doesn't see the problem.

I mean, it's clear from other things on these blogs that both these women have serious issues with Catholicism, but just re-read the "Q" section above - that's equal opportunity offensive to all Christians.

If she doesn't like my Church, fine. She doesn't have to join it. I don't even have a problem with a little humor (see previous "Stephen Colbert is awesome" posts). But to refer to GOD as semen is beyond the pale. I cannot even come up with an example that would be THIS OFFENSIVE for another group.

You know, without sounding all "why can't we all just get along?" about this, I would NEVER be this rude about anyone's faith in anything. I don't agree with Jews about the Messiah, but I respect their faith. I also respect the faith of Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims etc. (as long as they aren't trying to kill me, as Buddhists are wont to do). I respect the concept of faith, or even a moral or ethical code like Confucianism. Sure, I hope that they all change their minds, but after all, whatever religion you belong to, you clearly think it's the best, or you wouldn't belong to it, right? I'm just the same. I believe Catholicism is the best.

Whatever happened to "I may disagree with what you believe, but I will fight to the death for your right to believe it"? Whatever happened to basic courtesy and respect?

Sigh. Doesn't it just figure?

2007-02-07T12:16:00.000-05:00

So I am informed by a well-respected source that Rick Mercer (ahem) bats for the other team.

That's OK. He's still handsome, witty and articulate. And I'll still watch his show. I just won't expect him to show up and whisk me away to glamorous Toronto, the capitol of Canada, with its ice-sculpture parliament building and eskimo guards.

You know, I'm just saying - there ought to be a law. Gay men should all have to talk like Paul Lynde, so we don't pine after the wrong guys. And if you don't know who Paul Lynde is, shame on you! OK, OK. Here's his wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Lynde

He's one of those old-time Hollywood types that everyone recognizes, even if you don't know his name...

I have a cunning plan...

2007-02-06T15:47:00.000-05:00

So, regular readers of this blog will note that I am a huge Rowan Atkinson fan. I adore the Mr. Bean series, and I really got a kick out of Johnny English (even though I, as an American, was completely unfamiliar with the Barclaycard commercials which created this hapless non-Bond).

However, I might possibily have to say that Blackadder even beats out Mr. Bean in my list of favorite Rowan Atkinson roles. I saw Blackadders 1-4 years ago, and recently re-watched them (thanks to Netflix - hurray!). At some point, I realized that I hadn't seen either the Blackadder version of A Christmas Carol or Blackadder Back and Forth. Well, thought I, this must be rectified!

So I had Blackadder Back and Forth over the weekend. It was very funny - it deals with him (well, Baldrick actually) creating a working time machine and then traveling back and forth through time (hence the clever title). I won't go into too many details - it's only 1/2 hour, so if you're a fan, even YOU have time to watch it, DJ!

But there was one scene which was a 'milk out of the nose' kind of scene. He is in Elizabethan England, and he bumps into William Shakespeare. He gets Will's autograph, and then proceeds to beat him up. The first punch is "for every school boy and girl for the next 400 years" and he follows it up with a couple of additional zingers. But the truly zen moment came with this comment: Blackadder kicks him and says it's for "Ken Branagh's endless, uncut, four-hour version of Hamlet." When Shakespeare asks "Who's Ken Branagh?" Blackadder replies "I'm going to tell him you said that. And I think he'll be very hurt."

I laughed so hard I cried!

Two Sisters to the Rescue!

2007-02-06T12:32:00.000-05:00

So if you read the baby seester's blog (The Clam Rampant), you have probably heard the tale of Mike, the stray we found on Sunday. Temps here in Detroit on Sunday hovered right around zero (without factoring in the wind chill). I picked her up because her car was acting up and we headed into The City to (a) return a liberry book and (b) cross the border into Canada to pick up The Canuck.

So, sitting in the middle of an intersection is this cute dog. Freezing his tail off. Waiting to get hit. Well, The Clam and I looked at each other and sprang into action. We come from a family of animal rescuers and get all weepy when animals suffer. She gets out of the car and tries to lure the dog into the back seat. The dog clearly loves her, and lets her pet him and snuggles up to her, but won't get into the car. This goes on for 1/2 hour. In the freezing cold. At one point, the dog starts running away, and she gives up and gets into the car. I prepare to drive away, saying, "Well, we can't do this all day - if he won't get in the car, he won't." She starts to cry. I say, "OK, we'll go catch up with him." (I should mention that this is in a particularly icky part of The City, and The Canuck is sitting at the Windsor train station, wondering what the heck is going on.)

We end up getting helped by two local men (that's a clever euphemism), one of whom I wasn't worried about, but the other one of whom was pretty scary. We get the dog into the car, and I look at The Clam and say, "OK Genius. Now what?" We cannot take the dog across the border (if we could prove he had all his shots and he had tags and stuff, sure. But if he had all that, he wouldn't have needed us, would he?) and poor Canuck must think we've fallen off the bridge into the Detroit River. We cannot stick the dog in either of our homes (cats, you know, plus no back yards, and it would add an hour to our delay). We call The Aunt (an inveterate rescuer - both her current pets are rescues) and ask if she would like a friendly dog. She demurs. We try to call Mom, who doesn't answer the phone because she is at a play. We debate taking the dog and putting him in Mom's basement, and decide that she might not like that surprise. We decide that the only thing we can do is take him to The Humane Society. It's not a perfect solution, but it's better than him freezing to death outside (which he would have - temps that night dropped to 11 below, plus the wind chill). And hopefully they can find him a home.

Long story short, he is at the Humane Society, we are looking for a home for him, and Mom is working to get him sprung so that he can get put into a no-kill shelter until they find him a loving home.

The Clam felt really REALLY guilty about taking him to the Humane Society. So did I, truthfully, but I told her repeatedly that:
1. He would have frozen to death if we did nothing
2. Even if he gets euthanized, it's better to die warm and fed than cold and hungry (as Mother Teresa has proved over and over with people)
3. It was Super Bowl Sunday at 4 pm, and it wasn't like we had a lot of choices
4. No one in our family could take in a dog right now, even though Clam and I both wish we could
5. We did the best we could with bad conditions
6. He's very adoptable, so assuming he's in good health, his chances are very good

So she kind of calmed down. Then she got an email from one of the chicks at the no-kill shelter, who basically read her the riot act for taking him to the Humane Society. I mean, honestly, what were we supposed to do? It was Sunday afternoon, for Pete's sake! The Clam didn't tell me herself, I heard this from Mom. Mom also said that The Clam responded to her email in a very articulate and pleasant manner, which sounds about right. She's the Baby Seester, but she tends to be more mature about this stuff than I do. I just saw red. My reaction to Mom was, "OK. Animal Rescue Chick thinks we handled it incorrectly. I want her cell phone number, which I will plug into my phone, and any time, day or night, when I find a stray animal, I will call her personally, and tell her she needs to drop everything to come and get said animal."

Wonder how dedicated she would be then?

You know, The Clam felt bad enough about this without this chick rubbing salt in the wound.

Grrr.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

2007-02-06T12:16:00.000-05:00

So, cold enough for you?! hahaha. If I hear that one more time, I will not be responsible for my actions.

As you may be aware, it's just a wee mite chilly these days. It's actually much colder than normal, and not just here in Detroit. The response locally has been to send reporters outside in the cold to report on how cold it is (and then to report that one of their reporters got frostbite being outside in the cold, and no, I'm not making that up). The other response is that most local schools have shut down. They were closed yesterday and today. Those of us in the real world have gone to work, and in my case, worked in a building that was around 55F yesterday.

Well, one local school system decided to keep their schools open, and today, the students protested that they were being forced to be in school and, you know, learning and crap while every one else was at home lazing around and watching the boob tube. What the article says is that they gathered "in the commons area" and I'm not sure what that means, except I'm hoping it wasn't outside.

http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070206/NEWS03/70206034

I know I sound like an old fogey here, but I can remember school shutting down only a few times in my entire K-12 existence, and most of it was during an ice storm when there was no power and no heat. I especially remember a bad storm when I was in HS and the radio announcer basically said that the only school that was open in my county was my HS. Yes, to my 15 year old mind that was tremendously unfair, but it would never have occurred to me to do anything else but go to school and shut up about it. How is it that in 1 generation we have gotten to the point where students think they are entitled to cut class to protest being forced to attend school?

And, if the "commons area" is outside, then all I can say is, "Logic needs to be a mandatory subject in HS."

Are All Newfoundlanders As Cool As Him???

2007-01-31T13:06:00.000-05:00

Rick Mercer, my much-adored CBC Semi Fake News King, has reached new heights in my estimation. He has written a response to some whiny news columnist who complained that all the talk about Canadian soldiers getting wounded in Afghanistan (which is a UN sanctioned peace-keeping operation) was really ruining her Christmas. He basically gave her a first rate smackdown. I heartily approve.

http://www.theindependent.ca/article.asp?AID=1333&ATID=6

It's really hard to exerpt blurbs, because the whole letter is smackdownariffic, but his basic points are:

1. The Canadian presence in Afghanistan is sanctioned by both the UN and NATO (so it's not the same as the US-led presence in Iraq, for example).
2. Canada has an obligation to fulfill its commitment to UN/NATO.
3. Canadian forces are keeping the Taliban at bay there.
4. The Taliban feels very strongly that women are better when they are neither seen nor heard, and certainly not edjumacated.
5. Perhaps a story on the CBC about wounded soldiers is not a cheerful Christmas story, however, as members of the armed forces, they are worthy of respect.
6. As much as we would like to "give peace a chance," sometimes that is just not feasible. Peace talks only work when both sides want peace. When the other side wants to (say) take away your right to vote, leave your house without a male escort or defend yourself against rape, murder or anything else, perhaps they are not humming a John & Yoko song under their breath.
7. As a matter of fact, we should try to catch a few Taliban, just so we can ask them if their hatred for women stems from Yoko Ono destroying the Beatles. I'm just saying.

OK, perhaps that last point was my own. However, I think you got the idea. Read the whole article if you can. It rocks! Rick Mercer rocks!

One of my very first entries in the blogosphere (back in November) talked about how much I love Rick Mercer, and how he kicks Jon Stewart's butt. I mean, the man comes face to face with polar bears, gets attacked by a police dog and drives a tank, all in the name of truthi-full journalism. What's not to love? Plus his Talking to Americans is always funny, even though I know the results are skewed. For me the funny (and embarrassing) part is how many American politicians (governors and suchlike) have no clue about Canada. You're always going to have a few Americans who believe that Canada is a landlocked country with no navy, or that they just legalized insulin, or whatever. They would never put me on the show, because I would never fall for that stuff. But it's funny nonetheless.

Now, I must admit. I may well be in love. He's smart, witty, urbane (and very handsome) and now, I find he's a kick*ss guy as well. I wonder if he's single? I'll bet my Corrie Canucker Galpal Glacia would help me find my way around TO so I can stalk him (in the nicest possible way, of course!)

Harry Potter Grows Up

2007-01-30T13:38:00.000-05:00

So the kid that plays Harry Potter is appearing in his birthday suit in some play in London. Apparently, there are a lot of Mrs. Lovejoys out there, saying, "Won't somebody please think of the children?!" (DJ: that's a Simpsons reference.)

Here's the link. (Warning: although the pic doesn't actually show his stuff, there is a certain level of nudity, enough to convince me that he is definitely too old to play young teenager Harry anymore...)
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/showbiz/article-23383624-details/What+will+Hermione+say%2C+Harry/article.do

I'm starting to form an opinion that, in the same way all women's roles used to be played by men, there should be no child actors. It hardly ever ends well. I mean, Diff'rent Strokes. Need I say more?

Has anyone seen the play they are talking about here? It sounds like a 1960s piece of crap. But then, I'm prejudiced - I hate most modern lit - pretty much anything from 1950 on...

Unless it's a murder mystery!

In Your Family, it's Just One Kee-risis After Another

2007-01-30T12:05:00.000-05:00

With that remark, my uncle's favorite girlfriend broke up with him, about 40 years ago. I'd like to meet her, so I can shake her hand. Because truer words were never spoken.

As I mentioned a few days ago, Mom is selling her house and moving to the southwest. Now, this was originally supposed to happen in a couple of years. The idea was that she was going to spend the next couple of years sorting through her house, which is full from top to bottom (full attic and full basement) with 63+ years of junk, plus of course all the previously mentioned "touched by dead relatives" stuff. Additionally, she's been holding onto stuff for my cousin (the orphan) and The Clam. I will polish my own halo here and say that I have nothing in her attic. Anyway, her parting words before she left for the southwest to spy out the land were, "Oh, I wouldn't do anything in a hurry. After all the market in Detroit is soooo bad right now."

Fast forward to now, when she has bought a house down there and put her house on the market, and is looking to move by the end of March. And she is going to pay $8500 to move every piece of crap she has, practically. Which is her choice. She's an adult. Supposedly.

One of my favorite work-related posters is "Poor planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part." (Except that it isn't actually true when the rubber meets the road.) Well, true to form, Mom has turned this into an emergency situation we are all involved in. Over the weekend, I foolishly attempted to act like a grownup and have a calm and rational discussion with her (on behalf of both The Clam and myself) addressing our issues with the latest crisis. I was calm, I was patient, hell, I was William Freaking Shakespeare in my eloquence.

So far, her response has been:

1. When I called her to tell her that my offer had been accepted (on my house, because, you know, things are going on in my life as well as hers), she forced me into a 20 minute discussion about how:
What we have here is a failure to communicate.
This isn't a crisis or an emergency.
She hasn't been pushy or demanding.
How ungrateful I am acting for being offered all this stuff (for the record, I don't think I am being ungrateful. I AM saying "No" to things I don't want, which I thought was my right. As far as the whole "ancestor worship" thing goes, this is not news. This has been a recurring conversation in our family for decades now. And Mom has participated in the conversation just as much as I have.)
How lucky The Clam and I are to not have to be having to sort through this crap when she's dead, like she's had to many times (she forgets that I have had to do it too, starting when I was 15 and my grandma died, and Clam and I still will have to at least twice more, when she and Dad go).

2. Today, when I found out via The Clam that our aunt may in fact have been laid off, I called Mom to see if she knew this to be fact, or if our cousin was exaggerating. She told me that (and this is priceless manipulation) she wasn't sure if she wanted to call The Aunt to find out, because she didn't want to be accused of triangulating. (I told her over the weekend that I didn't appreciate her coming to me to complain about The Clam or to try and force me to book The Clam's time for her. So you see, since I used the word triangulating, she's got to throw it back in my face, even if she doesn't use it correctly.)

I should have just screamed and slammed a door. It would have accomplished just as little, and I'd probably feel better.

HG Wells, Sherlock Holmes & Jack the Ripper

2007-01-30T09:51:00.000-05:00

So I checked my fave movie info website, IMDB. Here's the skinny:

Time after Time (1979) starred Malcolm McDowell as HG Wells, David Warner as Jack the Ripper and Mary Steenburgen as Amy Robbins. Wells succeeds in building a time machine (remember, he wrote sci-fi books) which his buddy uses to escape the police. Unbeknownst to him, he is good friends with Jack the Ripper. Oops. Well, I understand he always kind of was a little naive and befuddled. Jack travels forward in time and lands in San Francisco. HG has no choice but to follow him and bring him back, because (much like we are supposed to have flying cars) the future is Utopia, where there are no wars and no violence exists. (Apparently, HG knew that John and Yoko were coming to show us the way). Of course he is in for a rude awakening, but can he save Amy (his new GF) from Jack?

The Return of Sherlock Holmes (1986) was a TV movie which starred Michael Pennington as Sherlock Holmes, who was (get this) cryogenically frozen by his pal, Dr. Watson. (Boy, HG should have buddied up with them - apparently they knew what the future really held!) Anyhoo, Dr. Watson's great-granddaughter, Jane, is a PI in America. She unfreezes him, and they solve a case together. OK. Forget about the fact that both Holmes and Watson are fictional characters and you can't cryogenically freeze fictional characters - if you suspend your disbelief, it was actually a fun movie, and the actor who played Holmes really carried it off, if memory serves.

So there you go, Clam.

Scrooge, Party of Two

2007-01-29T15:20:00.000-05:00

Back in December I mentioned that some swell person stole some toys that the Salvation Army was preparing to give poor kids at Christmas, and I posited that I had some suspicions of the Seventh Day Adventists, since they never get the kind of press that the Sally Ann gets. Well, it's still possible, but this appears to be part of a larger pattern:

Last fall, someone stole a bunch of gardening equipment from Greener Detroit (a charity which plants flowers and stuff downtown, so you are looking at the purty flahrs and not the homeless man peeing on an abandoned building).

Then, also last fall, someone stole a bunch of equipment from the Habitat for Humanity here.

Now this: http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070129/UPDATE/701290425

Yes, that's right. Someone broke into an agency that helps the homeless and stole a bunch of their equipment.

My new theory involves a semi psychedelic movie from about 1980, wherein HG Wells (played by Malcolm McDowell) successfully invented a time machine only to have his buddy David Warner (who also was, unbeknownst to him, Jack the Ripper) use it to escape from Scotland Yard. He ended up in modern-day (well, 1980 modern-day, so there may not have been Gay Pride Parades yet) San Francisco, where he tries to kill Mary Steenburgen for reasons which I can no longer remember, except that she was there.

Anyhoo, the jist of MY theory is that Charles Dickens and HG Wells were buddies, and somehow Ebenezer Scrooge has been let loose in Detroit, 2006-07.

And I was just kidding about the Seventh Day Adventists. Now, the Shakers are a different story...

And, Flirting with Blasphemy...

2007-01-29T14:07:00.000-05:00

Here's wikiality's article on Jesus H. Christ, who is, of course, an American and a Republican. It's funny and it makes me nervous for laughing at the same time (I hear that it gets really hot in Hell). However, this exerpt is where I lost it and really laughed out loud...

"When compared with all the non-Christian (false) deities, Jesus is the most ripped, except for perhaps Thor, but he's all about muscle mass while Jesus is about being toned."

Here's the link to the whole article: http://www.wikiality.com/Jesus

OK, that should do it for my ooohing and aaahing over Stephen Colbert's genius. Maybe.