Last Night's 24 Suckfest

Last Nights 24 Suckfest - Originally posted April 3

I'm sorry - I feel like a bit of a heretic, but after listening to people have totally organic experiences*** for the last several years about how 24 is the best show EVER, and how they are working to bring Lucy, Jackie Gleason and Uncle Miltie back from the dead just so they could kiss Kiefer Sutherland's feet, I'm really not feeling the love for 24 that I expected to.

Last night possibly topped last week's episode as the most completely stupid ever. Although there were no autistic people being used as bait this week...First of all, we STILL have no clue about the fate of Mr. Usurped the Presidency Logan, or his wacky wife. Then we have President Palmer Junior, who was nearly blown up in a bomb attempt a few hours ago, who has been de-comafied by his doctors so he can show the VP that he IS competent to run the country (competent only in the sense that he's lucid, not competent in the sense that he has ever had a clue what he's doing). To which the VP says, No you're not either. So it comes down to a vote of the Cabinet, which is (of course) a TIE. Then the Veep says, Well, Karen's vote doesn't count, because she resigned! So I win! Neener-neener Boo-boo! To which Karen gets all huffy and whiny. Aside: Sorry, Chickie. You did resign, because Tom Lennox was being a big meanie to you. Guess what? You had a Cartman moment (Screw you guys, I'm going home!) and shuffled off to the airport to fly home to LA and the arms of your hubby. You don't get to take that back like that. You even resigned without notice, during a major national crisis. I can't think of any employer I've ever had who would have reacted to that with, "That's OK! Get back over here, you big palooka!"However (and I'm really embarrassed to even admit this, but 12th grade Government class was just a few...eons ago, so oh well) is this even the correct policy when something like this comes up? I'm trying to think if this ever HAS come up - maybe President Wilson, when he had that stroke? And even if that's the case, is the National Security Adviser a member of the Cabinet? The Secretary of Defense is, sure. I guess it doesn't matter, since in 24merica, this is how it works. Anyway...in a storyline that really really took too long, the President wins and is declared competent. (Never mind that he keeps making funny faces like he's in terrible pain, or perhaps is very constipated. That wouldn't be a warning sign would it?)

All this, only to prove that perhaps it WAS a little too soon for him to take the reins back from the Veep, because - he launches a nuclear strike against Islamia (they steadfastly refuse to name Fayed's country, so I just did)!!! Again, can he DO that? Can the President order a nuclear strike? Doesn't he have to get congressional approval or something? 12th grade is a bit of a blur (no, I wasn't stoned, just disinterested) but the phrase "checks and balances" keeps popping into my head.

Next we have Nadia (the Mole/not the Mole) back at work. She gets a phone call from Ricky Schroder, telling her to come to his office, and not to tell anyone where she's going. Um..OK. Sure. I mean, you tied me up and throttled me last week, why wouldn't I go into an office alone with you without telling anyone where I'm going? Once there, he says that perhaps they got off on the wrong foot. (nooooo.) BUT, here's the thing - he knows who the Mole is: Milo. (Which I predicted a couple of weeks ago). Blah blah blah, security perimeters... I can't understand the geekspeak, but the way it's said makes me suspect Nadia again, since we all know she's been using Milo's security code. Meh. It's one of the two of them. I want it to be Milo, because for it to be Nadia would be SOOOO predictible. Plus I really truly can't stand Milo's pornostache. I just want to have Ricky tie him up so I can shave it off. With a dull razor.

Then, we have, once again, miracle medicine. First the President recovers from his TBI like that (snaps fingers), and now, we have the incredible walking amputee! So Jack has Gredenko, and is going to use him to set a trap for Fayed. They set him up with an audio bug (which looks like it's from the I Spy era) and then - coolness! - insert a different bug (tracking device thingie) into the skin of his forearm, which has radioactive isotopes in it ("Topes rule! Wooo!") that "have a half-life of 11 hours." Thanks for the info, Dr. Science. Now can you tell me why you're injecting the bug into his forearm, instead of his torso, or the one extremity no man is ever going to cut off willingly (except for those Hale-Bopp guys)?

So, naturally, Gredenko gets to Fayed, says "Shhh" while he shows them the audio bug, which they destroy, and then, in a move that even John Wayne couldn't pull off, sits silently while they hack off his forearm with an ax! Come ON! No flipping way! You are not got to have your forearm chopped off without crying out. (With an ax that just happens to be in Building J at the Santa Monica Pier.) Then, because the completely useless radioactive isotopes are sitting on the floor in a pool of blood, the bad guys are able to make their getaway. Once again, I'm not a doctor, but wouldn't the pain of having your forearm chopped off render you unconscious? Seriously. Your body has overrides when things get too painful. Of course, later he collapses under the dock as the tide comes in, and all I can think is: where's Jaws when you really need him? I mean, all that blood ought to bring out at least one shark, right?

There were really only 2 cool moments last night:

1. When Fayed and Gredenko are running away (Gredenko clutching his bloody stump) and they run through a bar - Gredenko yells out that Fayed is the terrorist everyone is looking for, and the bar patrons surround him and kick the crap out of them. Then Jack shows up and makes them stop. Then he kicks Fayed in the head. Hurray!

2. Tom Lennox (the Ghostbusters 2 guy) saves the day, AGAIN, by bugging the Veep's office, so he is able to tape the slutty secretary offering to perjure herself for the Veep. (Then again, I'd "perjure" myself for him too - he's the only studly guy in Washington, it appears.) Bet Tom ate his Wheaties this morning, because he a just been a superhero!

***Totally Organic Experience was a horrifically skanky ad campaign for Clairol shampoo a few years ago. (Isn't that just a clever play on words?! Yes, if you're in 7th grade!) It was nauseating to watch, and (although I'm sure Clairol could care less) it cost Clairol a third generation customer, because I refused to buy the product anymore. And I still haven't gone back, even though the ad campaign is, thankfully, over.