What a maroon...

OK, I'm in a bad mood, so that probably doesn't help matters much, but I'm sorry. Johnny Depp gave an interview in Rolling Stone recently where he talked about Keith Richards, and how cool he is.

What exactly is cool about watching a 60-something guy stumble and teeter around and try desperately to pretend he's still 25?

Frankly, his sort of antics aren't even cool when you're 25, but they are just pathetic when you're 65.

And it's sooo dorky for Johnny Depp to think that this guy is any kind of cool.

I'll tell you the same thing I have been saying for years:

Grow up
Get a haircut
Get off the dope
Try listening to some real music for a change

Frank Sinatra. Now that cat was cool...

Another Sheryl Crow Post

So apparently now Sheryl says the whole "one sheet of TP per sitting" thing was a joke.

But I think that's a fib, and here's why: Go to the link I included on my original post and read the whole thing. Done already? Wow. You're a fast reader. Now let's test your comprehension skills.

Did you see what I saw when I read that? The entire blog is so achingly sincere. I mean, if this was the 1930s, Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland would be telling the gang that they can surely raise enough money to repair the roof of the orphanage if they just threw a big hootenanny in Farmer Clem's barn. Golly gosh gee willikers. It's sooo... earnest.

Now, I'm not criticizing that necessarily. My point is that there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of joking going on.

So, Sheryl, since you appear to be interwebs-impaired, here's a crash course in the blogosphere:

People cannot see your face when you type a blog entry. So, even if you are giggling hysterically as you type, don't automatically assume that everyone is going to get your joke. Therefore, there are methods of ensuring that people "get" your humor:

1. Type the word "grin" at the end of the funny. Like this... grin.
2. You could say "Sarcasm Off" (which indicates that sarcasm was "on" previously
3. You can make a winky face with only 3 keys: the semi-colon, the dash key, and the close parenthesis. Like so ;-)
4. Some modern computing machines will give you choices of funny faces to put into a document. They are called "emoticons." Some people don't like them, but I have it on good authority that those people are Nazis. grin.

See what I did there? I used one of my suggestions!

Try it for next time, mmmkay?

Sheryl Crow Fell Off the Deep End

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/21/AR2007042101385_pf.html

This just has to be read to be believed. Sheryl Crow has LOST IT.

Exhibit 1: I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Exhibit 2: I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve." The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.

Let me get this straight. You want us to use only 1 square of TP per trip to the john. OK. No problem. Just know that I will be using 4 times the amount of soap and water to wash my hands with afterwards. Hope that's not a problem for you...

You want to revert to using our sleeves to wipe our mouths with at meals? Devolution, anyone? (Perhaps she's never heard of that nifty new invention, cloth napkins?)

Meanwhile, in the "the irony is so deep you could drown in it" category:

"Singer Sheryl Crow and environmentalist Laurie David have been traveling across America on a two-week Stop Global Warming College Tour" (on a biodiesel BUS).

"This next idea I have been saving but I will share it with you if you promise not to steal it. It is my latest, very exciting idea for creating incentive for us all to minimize our own personal carbon footprints. It's a reality show. (I feel pretty certain NO ONE has thought of this yet!) Here is the premise: the contest consists of 10 people who are competing for the top spot as the person who lives the "greenest" life. This will be reflected in the contestant's home, his business, and his own personal living style. The winner of this challenging, prestigious, contest would receive what??. . . . a recording contract!!!!!"

Just because the bus is biodiesel doesn't make it OK to drive all over the damn country! (Although it's a step up from David Suzuki, who didn't even use a biodiesel for his CC tour of Canada.) But still: TV, radio, internet, email...ringing any bells?

I have a better idea for the reality show, Sheryl: you, John Travolta, Barbra Streisand, and 7 other celebrities walking your talk for a month. No private jets, no tour buses, no yachts, etc.

That way we don't have to deal with yet another no-talent celebretainer inserting himself (or herself) into our lives. I cannot handle the sheer quantity of celebretainers already foisting themselves on me.

The really sad part is that these people (celebrities) are so incredibly narcissistic that they really don't see how very hypocritical they are. They genuinely don't see it. Of course, they don't see the hypocrisy of carbon offsets either.