Are You Able to Comment?

So I noticed that there haven't been many comments recently, which I took to mean:

1. You are all busy and/or possibly sick
2. You hate me and don't want to post on my stinky blog
3. Something is wrong with blogger. AGAIN.

Well, the other day I got an email from The Canuck saying that he tried to post a reponse to my call for Techhie help, and he kept getting an error.

So I decided that #3 was the correct answer. Hurray! You like me...you really like me!!!

Anyway, to take an informal survey, would you please try to post a response to this post? If you can't do it, please email me at
da(underscore)big(underscore)seester(at)yahoo(dot)com

If enough people tell me that, I guess I will try to switch to another blogging station. (Although, just to make a point, stupid blogger made me "upgrade" to google blogger recently, and I somehow changed my user name to my email address. Yes, the whole thing. No, I don't know how. Yes, I would like The Clam or The Canuck to help me fix it. Yes, I am computer illiterate.)

Eureka! I'm soo geeked!

I guess today is a blogolicious day.

So, I may have mentioned before that I have a tendency towards thrift. It's not something that really comes naturally to me, at least not from my mom's side of the family. My mother's family was pretty solidly middle class, but lower middle to middle middle, not upper middle. However, they (for 3 generations at least) have always aspired to a little more than what they can afford. It hasn't always been pretty.

My other grandma used to laugh and say that I had champagne tastes on a beer income. (Well, I was a kid, so I didn't have an income. What I had was an uncanny ability to like the most expensive thing, without even seeing prices.)

Anyway, thrift is something I have developed over time. It all started when I was a young adult and got in over my head with credit cards. Store charges mostly, because it was so neat to have my own Lord & Taylor charge. (ahem)

Several years ago, I read a few books about simple living that began to change my perspective. Now, something must be defined here. Simple living can mean different things to different people. There's a magazine called "Real Simple" (which is about $5 a pop!) which is chock full of crap you can buy to make your life "simple." That's not what I'm talking about. I like to call that "Spendthrift Simplicity."

I'm talking about actually simplifying your life. Most of the time, that means "not buying X" (making do with Y instead). It means understanding what is and isn't a bargain. Often, what is thrifty and frugal is also good for the planet (those CFLs are an excellent example). String bags, however, are an example of something that is simple and good for the environment, but not thrifty. After all, I'm not paying for grocery bags. But I did it anyway.

Anyhoo, there are a couple of people that have been giants in my journey towards frugality. One is a woman named Doris Janzen Longacre, who was a Mennonite who wrote two books in the late 70s: Living More with Less and The More with Less Cookbook. Doris sadly died of cancer even before the second book was published. Some of the info is a little dated, but a lot of it is still good.

Also on the list is Amy Daczyzyn. She wrote a newsletter called The Tightwad Gazette for several years, and all the issues are available in a single book format, "The Complete Tightwad Gazette." I own it, and it is one of my favorite books of all times. Every time I crack it open, I find some new info.

The third is a woman called Pat Veretto, who was the "About Guide to Frugal Living" on about.com. I didn't subscribe, but I would go there every few weeks and check stuff out. Well, then one day around January of this year, I went to the page, and she wasn't there, and it said "Interviewing for Replacements" or something.

I was really upset. Really. I mean, I don't know the woman. I never even emailed her. As far as I could tell, she lives in Big Sky Country somewhere (Montana, the Dakotas, Wyoming?), is a Christian of some stripe or another, seemed very maternal (and I mean that as a compliment), and was really REALLY thrifty. And I really liked her. It was kind of like being able to channel my dead grandmother for advice (no, she's not that old - she just seemed friendly, knowledgeable and possessing skills that my grandma had).

Well, the other day, after going back to the about website for the 14th time (just in case I missed something the first 13 times) I decided to google "Pat Veretto" frugal living.

Well, I found her! She has a blog! It's tricky:

http://patverettosfrugalliving.blogspot.com/

I am SOOO geeked! I'm in the process now of:

1. Going back and reading every post.
2. Checking out the sites on her blogroll
3. Drafting a non-stalky email to tell her I'm glad she didn't disappear off the blogosphere (that's harder than it sounds!)

I just thought I'd share the news, share the link, and with gas prices rising again, I think I'll post an occasional thrifty post. (Especially since I just bought a gallon of milk, and it's now $3.25 at Kroger!!!! Did the cows unionize?)

Part Two of My Techhie Woe

So...when last we left our plucky reporter, she was exhausted and frustrated because she had:

1. Bought a useless Sony DVD/VCR which wasn't an "R"
2. Returned said useless piece of crap
3. Been told by the Salesdude at Worst Buy that she was hopelessly out of date in her choice of technology, and that the only way to remedy this terminal uncoolness was to spend upwards of 1K on new crap (which will be obsolete before you can say Jack Robinson)
4. Went to Target, Kmart and Walmart. Ended up with a nifty new combo TV/DVD/VCR by Magnavox for $170 that is supposed to fill all my needs.
5. Got sopping wet because I did all this in the rain. (Except for buying the original thing, because that was the day before).
6. Realized after trial and error that my nifty new TV/DVD/VCR wouldn't fit in my car. So I called The Clam, got her out of a nice warm bath and made her come rescue me.
7. Got home at 9 at night, cold, wet and hungry.
8. Posted my incredible frustration.

And now... the punchline!

The damn VCR part doesn't work!!! It will play a tape. Audio only. Well, yippee skippy.

So guess what The Clam gets to help me do next?

PIECE OF CRAP.

Another Sheryl Crow Post

So apparently now Sheryl says the whole "one sheet of TP per sitting" thing was a joke.

But I think that's a fib, and here's why: Go to the link I included on my original post and read the whole thing. Done already? Wow. You're a fast reader. Now let's test your comprehension skills.

Did you see what I saw when I read that? The entire blog is so achingly sincere. I mean, if this was the 1930s, Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland would be telling the gang that they can surely raise enough money to repair the roof of the orphanage if they just threw a big hootenanny in Farmer Clem's barn. Golly gosh gee willikers. It's sooo... earnest.

Now, I'm not criticizing that necessarily. My point is that there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of joking going on.

So, Sheryl, since you appear to be interwebs-impaired, here's a crash course in the blogosphere:

People cannot see your face when you type a blog entry. So, even if you are giggling hysterically as you type, don't automatically assume that everyone is going to get your joke. Therefore, there are methods of ensuring that people "get" your humor:

1. Type the word "grin" at the end of the funny. Like this... grin.
2. You could say "Sarcasm Off" (which indicates that sarcasm was "on" previously
3. You can make a winky face with only 3 keys: the semi-colon, the dash key, and the close parenthesis. Like so ;-)
4. Some modern computing machines will give you choices of funny faces to put into a document. They are called "emoticons." Some people don't like them, but I have it on good authority that those people are Nazis. grin.

See what I did there? I used one of my suggestions!

Try it for next time, mmmkay?

Guess Not...

So I went down the back stairs to throw in a load of laundry, and no...the wreath o'balls is still on the door. (Cue Bill Murray..Falalala-lala-laLAAAAHHH.)

You know, here's the thing. She can have whatever she wants on HER door (or should I say doors - there's a front one and a back one). So can I. That's fine. And if she wants it to be Christmas in May, whatever.

But the wreath on the door to the building is TACKY and WRONG. Actually, it's doubly tacky, because not only is it out of season (grossly), but there's a PRICE TAG STILL ON IT.

Elvis may or may not be pumping gas in Kalamazoo, but Minnie Pearl is living in my building.

Well Halle-FLIPPING-luia!

My nutty neighbor has FINALLY taken down the cutesy-wutesy craft sale sleigh with the "Let it Snow!" emblazoned across it from her front door. Well, it's April 30th. Why not? I think it's safe to say that if you want it to snow now, you should live in the Arctic Circle.

I haven't checked the back door to see if the kitschy wreath made completely from Christmas tree ornaments is down; I presume it is...

Now if she would only take down the Christmas wreath from the common front door (you know, the one EVERYONE can see)...

All things considered, that's the one I'd rather she'd focus on...

Canuck, DJ...any Techhies out there, HELP!!!

AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

OK, jims and sals...either I'm crazy, or everyone else is.

My el cheapo combo DVD player SLASH VCR decided to give up the ghost a couple of days ago. So yesterday, armed with my nifty Consumer Reports info, I went to Best Buy (with The Clam) and purchased a highly rated Sony combo unit (for $95). I thought I was doing great! Sony's a reliable brand, and therefore unlikely to keel over after 18 months like my last piece of crap did (to be fair, I bought said piece of crap cheaply).

The whole thing is complicated by the fact that my TV is (gasp!) 10 years old!

The Horror!!!

You see, I have a larger problem. I am a cheapskate. Thrifty. Frugal. A Tightwad. Or, as I like to refer to it, A Careful Consumer. I am just old-fashioned enough to believe in getting your money's worth, not spending money like water, and all the rest of that stuff.

I know that, very soon, everything is "going digital". I also know that HiDef TVs ROCK! However, I don't see myself spending a grand for a TV. Hello? It's The Boob Tube, People! So my PLAN was to keep my current TV for a couple of more years, until we "go digital" and (hopefully) the price of the HiDefs drops a little, while at the same time they have worked out more of the bugs. Better product for cheaper, right?

Well, the patron saint of television (St. Rita of Cascia? - Tim, am I right there?) wasn't watching out for me.

My DVD/VCR keeled over THREE WEEKS after the new models came in, and my TV won't work with any of them without an adapter. Which wouldn't be the end of the world, but... remember the nifty $95 Sony? Minor detail...this is funny... the VCR doesn't R. That's right. They are marketing it as a Video Cassette Recorder, but it's actually a Video Cassette Player. Minor difference.

See, here's the thing: I don't watch a ton of TV, with a couple of exceptions. One of the big exceptions is TCM (Turner Classic Movies). I loooove old movies. And lots of the best ones are on during the day. So I have a choice: play hooky to watch a movie (in which case, I won't have my job for long) or tape the movie while I'm at work. Now, before you get all judgy, understand that a lot of the movies on TCM are not even AVAILABLE on video, so it's not like I'm trying to get something for free that I could buy. (Besides, I pay for the channel each month.) So, I watch TV, rent DVDs from Netflix, and watch movies that I have taped off TCM. That's IT.

You wouldn't think that what I want is so outmoded, would you? Well, you're WRONG! I might as well have asked for a new Victrola needle! One guy tried to sell me a $300 DVD recorder. (I informed him that I am NOT going to pay $300 for something that is likely to be obsolete in 2 years. Money doesn't grow on trees, you know?)

Anyway, it soon became clear to me that I was going to have to suck it up and buy a new TV. So, for $170, I bought a Magnavox TV/DVD/VCR combo. Yes, I know, combos aren't a good idea. Too flipping bad. Hopefully it will last me a couple of years at least.

Canuck, DJ, anybody: Advice? Comments? Is there a better, a cheaper way for me to do this? The TVs (not HiDef either) weren't a whole lot cheaper than what I bought. I still have the receipt, so, I can return it...

And, BTW, I went to Best Buy, Target and WalMart.

I don't understand how these corporations think that anyone can afford to replace their technology so often, as well as pay through the nose for cable, TiVo etc...

Is there a better option than what I chose?

Any feedback would be very helpful. If you find any typos, keep it to yourself. I'm not in the mood.

Update on Sheryl Crow

OK, I am so not talented like this (from IMAO.US):

It's her potty, and she'll cry if she wants to...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:40 PM | View blog reactions
Sheryl Crow demands a limit on toilet paper.

But that doesn't mean she can't sing about the glory days or a roll-a-pottybreak, right?

I would have given you all of my roll but there's someone who's being a butthole and she's taking almost all that I've got but if you want, I'll try to wipe again baby I'll try to wipe again but I know
The first butt is the deepest, baby I know
The first butt is the deepest
'cause when it comes to switching rolls, she's cursed
when it comes to leaving seats up, he's worst
but when it comes to leaving floaters, she's first
that's how I know

The first butt is the deepest, baby I know
The first butt is the deepest

I still want you by my toilet's side
just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
cause I'm sure gonna get some two-ply
and if you want, I'll try to wipe again
but baby, I'll try to wipe again, but I know

The first butt is the deepest, baby I know
The first butt is the deepest
'cause when it comes to switching rolls, she's cursed
when it comes to leaving seats up, he's worst
but when it comes to leaving floaters, she's first
that's how I know

The first butt is the deepest, baby I know
The first butt is the deepest

Now, some people can take a song (like The First Cut is the Deepest) and rework the lyrics to suit their mood. Tim F. is one semi-regular reader of this blog who has this gift. I am not one of those people, except for really inane TV theme songs (and then only the first verse). But I thought this was quite funny (and only slightly disgusting).

I guess I'm not really enough of a fan of Sheryl Crow's music to even be able to sing the tunes to most of her stuff. I WILL say that when I first heard about the original story, my first thought had to do with her song "Steve McQueen" where she (or probably a stunt double) drove a vintage Mustang fast and irresponsibly. When the song came out, I had a brief moment of liking her, because of the Steve McQueen reference. But of course, we cannot drive vintage cars around, because they guzzle gas and they don't have the thingie in them (ack! I hate it when I can't think of the word...came out in the late 70s...total brain fart!).

I actually had a guy stop in a parking lot to gripe at those of us who were ooohing and aaaahing at a classic 50s car, telling us how TERRIBLE it is that anyone would even THINK of driving one of those dinosaurs today. ARGH!

Why don't we all just sit in caves in the dark for the rest of our lives?!?!

Carbon Offsets = Indulgences

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carbon_offset

Money quote: "Many environmentalists disagree with the principle of carbon offsets. George Monbiot, an English environmentalist and writer, has compared carbon offsets to the practice of purchasing Indulgences during the Middle Ages, whereby people with money could purchase forgiveness for their sins (instead of actually repenting and not sinning anymore). Monbiot also says that carbon offsets are an excuse for business as usual with regards to pollution.[15] To date, no authoritative studies have been performed concerning offset buyers' behavior (e.g., whether they take other measures to reduce their CO2 output.)"

Also, read this article about Al Gore and his carbon offsets, wherein he uses as much power as he wants, then purchases carbon offsets from a company he owns, thereby enriching himself even more. It's brilliant! I mean, Monty Burns dastardly! Meanwhile, Dubya's mansion in Texas is much more eco-friendly than Al Gore's mansion in Tennessee. And the MSM isn't paying attention? I don't believe it!

http://www.investors.com/editorial/editorialcontent.asp?secid=1501&status=article&id=258075474834657

Carbon Offsets: Al Gore's Big Easy
INVESTOR'S BUSINESS DAILY

Posted 3/6/2007

Environmentalism: Gore's carbon footprint may be the size of Godzilla's, but he eases his conscience with 'carbon offsets.' He buys them from himself. And every time someone else buys them, Big Al gets richer.

Whoda thunk it? Former oilman George Bush, scourge of the environment, lives in a house more eco-friendly than Al Gore, a dwelling that would make Hollywood eco-activist Ed Begley, star of HGTV's 'Living With Ed,' drool.

When Dubya spends time at his Crawford ranch, he's in a single-story, 4,000-square-foot limestone house that a 2001 article in USA Today described as an 'eco-friendly haven.' Even David Roberts, staff writer for the online environmental magazine Grist has called the energy efficiency of the president's home as 'fantastic.'

As USA Today described it: 'Wastewater from showers, sinks and toilets goes into purifying tanks underground — one tank for water from showers and bathroom sinks, which is called 'gray water,' and one tank for 'black water' from the kitchen and toilets.' The purified water is funneled to the cistern with the rainwater.

In addition, 'the Bushes installed a geothermal heating and cooling system, which uses about 25% of the electricity that traditional heating and cooling systems use.' As Marlo Lewis, a senior fellow at the Competitive Enterprise Institute, noted: 'It's interesting that Bush seems to actually practice conservation, while Gore seems to want to buy his way out of his obligations.'

Lewis was referring to the buying and selling of 'carbon offsets,' a mechanism that allows Gore's home to consume 20 times as many kilowatt-hours as the average American's. It allows gluttonous energy consumers like Gore to ease their conscience while doing absolutely nothing to curb their own energy use.

Say you want to fly your Gulfstream private jet across the country regularly to Hollywood premieres instead of taking a Greyhound bus. You buy a carbon offset, giving money to people who will do something like invest it in windmills and solar panels to 'reduce' carbon emissions by an equivalent amount. Your are then declared 'carbon neutral' as you continue to pollute.

Speaking of carbon offsets and shell games, guess where Gore buys his carbon offsets? Well, he buys them from a firm call Generation Investment Management LLP, a tax-exempt U.S. 501(c)3 corporation. The chairman and co-founder is Al Gore. In other words, he buys his carbon offsets from himself. Others who buy these offset are really buying stock in Gore's growing business. You, too, can green up his portfolio, if not Earth itself.

The number of companies jumping into this market has multiplied. In 2006, at least 60 sold offsets worth about $110 million to consumers in Europe and North America in 2006, up from a dozen firms selling offsets worth $6 million in 2004. That's a lot of green.

We recently wrote about the conscience-easing of folks like a San Jose State professor who can continue to drive her Lexus guilt-free because she made a contribution to a San Francisco company called TerraPass. It takes her money and invests in wind power and ways to reduce farm pollution, giving her a sticker to put on her car.

Skeptics of this scheme — perhaps we should call it a scam — include, interestingly enough, Steve Rayner, a senior professor at Oxford and a member of a group working on the reduction of greenhouse gases for the U.N.'s International Panel of Climate Change. 'What these companies are allowing people to do,' said Rayner, 'is to carry on with their current behavior with a clear conscience.'

There's a word for this — hypocrisy. The only one with a clear conscience should be Bush, friend of Earth.

Sheryl Crow Fell Off the Deep End

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/21/AR2007042101385_pf.html

This just has to be read to be believed. Sheryl Crow has LOST IT.

Exhibit 1: I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Exhibit 2: I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve." The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.

Let me get this straight. You want us to use only 1 square of TP per trip to the john. OK. No problem. Just know that I will be using 4 times the amount of soap and water to wash my hands with afterwards. Hope that's not a problem for you...

You want to revert to using our sleeves to wipe our mouths with at meals? Devolution, anyone? (Perhaps she's never heard of that nifty new invention, cloth napkins?)

Meanwhile, in the "the irony is so deep you could drown in it" category:

"Singer Sheryl Crow and environmentalist Laurie David have been traveling across America on a two-week Stop Global Warming College Tour" (on a biodiesel BUS).

"This next idea I have been saving but I will share it with you if you promise not to steal it. It is my latest, very exciting idea for creating incentive for us all to minimize our own personal carbon footprints. It's a reality show. (I feel pretty certain NO ONE has thought of this yet!) Here is the premise: the contest consists of 10 people who are competing for the top spot as the person who lives the "greenest" life. This will be reflected in the contestant's home, his business, and his own personal living style. The winner of this challenging, prestigious, contest would receive what??. . . . a recording contract!!!!!"

Just because the bus is biodiesel doesn't make it OK to drive all over the damn country! (Although it's a step up from David Suzuki, who didn't even use a biodiesel for his CC tour of Canada.) But still: TV, radio, internet, email...ringing any bells?

I have a better idea for the reality show, Sheryl: you, John Travolta, Barbra Streisand, and 7 other celebrities walking your talk for a month. No private jets, no tour buses, no yachts, etc.

That way we don't have to deal with yet another no-talent celebretainer inserting himself (or herself) into our lives. I cannot handle the sheer quantity of celebretainers already foisting themselves on me.

The really sad part is that these people (celebrities) are so incredibly narcissistic that they really don't see how very hypocritical they are. They genuinely don't see it. Of course, they don't see the hypocrisy of carbon offsets either.

Jews Shouldn't Be on the Supreme Court

Oh, I'm sorry. I misread it. What Rosie actually said was that CATHOLICS shouldn't be allowed on the Supreme Court.

http://newsbusters.org/node/12157

But of course, it's OK to say things like that about Catholics. Why would we be offended by that? She's not a bigot.

Unless you say the same sentence and just substitute the word Jew or Black.

File Under: Smoked Too Many Doobies in the 60s

Many moons ago, when I mentioned to my seester (not The Clam, the other one) that I was going to rent "The Wall" (the Pink Floyd movie), she told me that, unless I was planning on getting stoned first, the movie wouldn't make sense to me. I scoffed at her, but at the same time never rented the movie. Well, now I understand what she was saying. There are things which (apparently) make perfect sense when you're stoned out of your gourd that are beyond those of us in the sober world...

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/18/commentary.plate/index.html

Plate: Let's lay down our right to bear arms

This was the part that really got me:

"Let me explain. Some misguided people will focus on the fact that the 23-year-old student who killed his classmates and others at Virginia Tech was ethnically Korean. This is one of those observations that's 99.99 percent irrelevant. What are we to make of the fact that he is Korean? Ban Ki-moon is also Korean! Our brilliant new United Nations secretary general has not only never fired a gun, it looks like he may have just put together a peace formula for civil war-wracked Sudan -- a formula that escaped his predecessor.

"So let's just disregard all the hoopla about the race of the student responsible for the slayings. These students were not killed by a Korean, they were killed by a 9 mm handgun and a .22-caliber handgun."

I'm sorry - I know I haven't been following the story 24/7 like a good little girl, but who exactly is focusing on the fact that the shooter is Korean? (Except for Koreans themselves, who are apparently mortified that one of their number could do such a thing. I simply found it hugely ironic that, much like SAT scores, Asians even out-performed your average white guy in this horror. Bell Curve, indeed.)

OK. That was tasteless.

But back to my point. What in the hell is this guy talking about? Does anyone have a clue? And does the fact that the new SG of the UN is Korean, and ostensibly a nice person, somehow exempt all Koreans from committing crimes?

I'm not trying to get in the middle of the whole gun control argument. I think it's tacky to discuss this this early - kind of like the people who asked, when I told them my aunt had lung cancer, "Does she smoke?!"

As far as the issue goes, I know where I stand and why, and I'm so over having this debate, because nobody has the slightest intention of even listening to the opposition with an open mind any more. So why should I waste my breath trying to make my point?

Besides which, 2 guns did not wake up one fine morning and decide that they wanted to take down some college kids. That's absurd. And the kids weren't killed by a Korean. They were killed by a mentally disturbed person. That he was born in Korea is beside the point. That Ban-ki-Moon is Korean is beside the point. That he may have come up with a peace plan for Sudan is beside the point (and I'll believe that when I see it).

The guy was sick in the head. He killed them. That's the point. Period.

Another Uncool Victorian Poem

This is another one of my favorites from my grandmother's poetry book...

Be Strong by Maltbie Davenport Babcock

Be strong!
We are not here to play, to dream, to drift;
We have hard work to do, and loads to lift;
Shun not the struggle-- face it; 'tis God's gift.

Be strong!
Say not the days are evil. Who's to blame?
And fold not the hands and acquiesce-- O shame!
Stand up, speak out, and bravely, in God's name.

Be strong!
It matters not how deep entrenched the wrong,
How hard the battle goes, the day, how long;
Faint not-- fight on! To-morrow comes the song.

In the meantime...

As regular readers of this blog know, I love old movies. Back when movie stars had talent, and (for the most part anyway) knew to keep their mouths shut about political crap they knew nothing about. I have no clue how Humphrey Bogart voted, and I don't want to know.

Well, one of my favorite movie stars is Doris Day (Watch it! Hey, I'm Doris Day. I was not brought up that way. Won't come across, even Rock Hudson lost his heart to Doris Day...) She's both a talented comedian and dramatic actress, as well as a great singer and terrific dancer. As well as a genuinely nice person.

Well, in the late 60s, when she was wrapping up her movie career (because she seemed so anachronistic with her cleanliness and perkiness and nice-girl-ness, what with all the free-living, non-bathing, mellowed-out pot-smoking hippies out there), her husband signed her to a contract to do a TV show. (The marriage had problems.) She found out about it, but, since she had made a commitment, however unknowingly, she honored it. (See what I mean about anachronistic?)

It was called The Doris Day Show and the first season was on in 1968 (if I remember my Roman numerals, which I do). The first season didn't do great in the ratings, and if I remember correctly, she worked with the producers to change the show around for the second season, and it was a much bigger success.

However, what I have from Netflix right now is the first disc of the first season, so that's what I'm here to preach on today. She's a widow with 2 kids, who lives with her dad, Denver Pyle (better known as Uncle Jesse to those of us Gen-Xers), her two sons (neither one of whom I recognize, and I can only hope they didn't hold up a 7-11 for drug money), and a housekeeper and farm hand. Oh, and a dog, Lord Nelson.

It's an interesting cultural study, seeing as it was on the air before I was born and all. There's an episode where her sons want to take her out to a fancy dinner for her birthday, with money they earned themselves. (It turns out to be a steakhouse, and they don't have enough money, and ...)

But the episode that really interested me was called "The Friend." It seems that the mothers at the school had a fundraiser for "The Milk Fund" (which is apparently to ensure that all kids at school get a pint of milk a day) and somehow, they don't have the money. Then a friendly local dairyman says he will donate the milk to the school, on one condition: Doris and her kids must pose for his new milk ad. (Get your mind out of the gutter, people! It's all very sweet.) But then his ad man informs them that studies have shown that people want to see ads with a mom and 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. Well, Doris doesn't have any daughters. The ad man wants to get professional models to play the kids, but the dairyman and Doris have a better idea. Have the sons each bring home a friend from school.

Can you see where this is going? Yes, that's right. One of the boys brings home a little black girl, because she's his friend. And the ad man freaks out, and wants Doris to tell the little girl that she can't be in the picture.

We end up at the dairyman's office, with the ad man and Doris having a discussion about it. What I find fascinating about the scene is what wasn't said. There were no big speeches, there was no breast-beating, Doris didn't screech like a hyena (Doris never screeches like a hyena). She's very calm, and very quiet, and at the same time very compelling. And instead of coming up with a non-solution which pleases nobody, she comes up with a solution which pleases everybody.

I was really impressed. When this was playing out, I was thinking to myself, Good grief! I can't believe this! I have done my level best to ignore the whole Imus/Duke fracas over the last few days, and now this? But it was really fascinating. And you must keep in mind this is 1968, so I'm thinking after MLK and Malcolm X were killed, etc.

And, as she always does, Doris shows the way to behave that is classy and dignified and yet still able to get her point across. Why do I have a recurring fantasy of a Clockwork Orange-esque scene with Rosie O'Donnell tied to a chair, forced to watch Doris until she learns how to behave with a modicum of dignity?

Update on 24

Well, it was brief but glorious. I have already lost interest in the show everyone assures me is the best show ever.

I haven't even seen in for the last 2 or 3 weeks. It isn't even that I haven't been home. (I mean, it's 9 pm on Monday night - where am I going to be? I'm mature enough now (read: old and boring) to realize that if I don't get to bed by a reasonable time early in the week, I'm toast by Friday.) I just don't care about the show. I do kind of feel like a heretic, but I will not eat green eggs and ham...

I heard somewhere that the Black Donnellys was cancelled, but I don't know that's true. Needless to say, my interest in that show peaked the first night and went downhill from there.

And CBC has sent Coronation Street to the Sunday 7:30 am ghetto until hockey playoffs are over. Now THAT bothers me.

It's a funny thing about TV. I like TV. Well, let me qualify that. I am not the sort of person who sniffs, "I NEVER watch television. (I'm too busy reading Kafka, or Ayn Rand or whatever.)" But most of the shows that are on don't thrill me. I've already said that I don't like reality TV. I try to never watch the news, not the least of which because most the brains of most "news commentators" these days can barely support the weight of their hair.

But the shows I like, I really like. I especially like comedies, although it seems that the only funny comedies on television these days are cartoons. And I enjoy a good mystery. (But CSI doesn't particularly appeal to me. The writers of that show only seem interested in showing the rest of the nation that Calipornia and New York aren't the only depraved places in the USA. Good to know, and yet another reason my tourism money won't be going to Vegas anytime this century.)

I really enjoy Law & Order (especially the Jerry Orbach episodes) but usually turn off the show halfway through, because watching the weasely lawyers trying to get their clients off gets my goat.

But I don't generally make it a point to sit down and watch a show every week. You know, how people used to say "OK. It's Wednesday at 8:30. Ozzy and Harriet is on." (Or whatever.) So actually making an effort to sit down and watch 24 proved too much for me. I think I'm going to follow the advice of a guy I was talking to on the bus. (No, it didn't involve a tin foil helmet - this was a suburban bus!) He said he never watches 24 during the season. He rents the old season from Netflix. That way he doesn't have to deal with commericals, waiting between episodes etc. Plus it seems like less of a demand on his time.

I think I'll try that. And if The Canuck is to be believed, last season (5) is the one to start with.

Regarding Virginia Tech

I haven't really wanted to post much about this, because the internet is full of people's opinions...and really, it's too early to form opinions about this. There ought to be a self-imposed moratorium before spewing about stuff like this to the world at large, because we are too close to what happened at this point.

Besides the obvious feelings of deep sorrow and grief for the victims and their families (and in a sense all the students of Virginia Tech are victims of this), and,yes, sorrow for his family, because they will likely spend the rest of their lives blaming themselves for not doing X, Y and Z differently, I really only have two things to say about this at this point in time.

1. NBC should never have shown that video. I don't say this from a legal standpoint; I'm sure they were in their legal rights to do it. I don't say that from the "other sickos are going to get ideas from this" standpoint, although that's probably true also. I don't even say that from the perspective of "you're victimizing the VT kids again."

I say that because those images should not be allowed into anyone's psyche. They affect us. And not in a good way. A few years ago, when a hostage (Nicholas Berg?) was beheaded and the video made its way to the internet, I didn't watch it. But I knew people who did, and they all said the same thing: I wish I had never seen it. But the damage was done and they couldn't erase the image from their minds. It haunted them.

There is evil in the world. Some of us participate in it knowingly, and others get poisoned by it like so much carbon monoxide. The end result is the same: you let that stuff into your head, and it will never let go. I had a friend who saw one of the Faces of Death videos as a teenager, and she still had nightmares about it years later. Listen, life is hard enough. Don't borrow trouble. You'll have enough of your own. If you haven't watched the video footage, I implore you: DON'T.

2. I'm sure many stories about heroism in the face of this monstrosity will surface in the coming weeks, but I am so touched by the sacrifice made by Professor Liviu Librescu. As I'm sure you have heard by now, he was a 76-year old Holocaust survivor who used himself as a barricade so his students could get away. It cost him his life. I heard one person say that he was a true gentleman, and that is clearly true.

I have a book of poems that was my grandmother's. I love it, because it's full of uncool poems by Victorian poets. There are poems about strength of purpose, duty, morality. It's great stuff. (But why would we read THAT, when we can read some piece of non-rhyming crap about how sucky life is?)

One of my favorite poems in the book is below, and I really see this applying to Professor Librescu, although I never met him. May God welcome His son Liviu into Heaven, and wipe away his tears. And may God bless his wife and family, and be with them in their grief.

"How Did You Die?" by Edmund Vance Cooke

Did you tackle that trouble that came your way
With a resolute heart and cheerful?
Or hide your face from the light of day
With a craven soul and fearful?
Oh, a trouble's a ton, or a trouble's an ounce,
Or a trouble is what you make it.
And it isn't the fact that you're hurt that counts,
But only how did you take it?

You are beaten to earth? Well, well, what's that?
Come up with a smiling face.
It's nothing against you to fall down flat,
But to lie there--that's disgrace.
The harder you're thrown, why the higher you bounce;
Be proud of your blackened eye!
It isn't the fact that you're licked that counts;
It's how did you fight and why?

And though you be done to death, what then?
If you battled the best you could;
If you played your part in the world of men,
Why, the Critic will call it good.
Death comes with a crawl, or comes with a pounce,
And whether he's slow or spry,
It isn't the fact that you're dead that counts,
But only, how did you die?

Eat Like an Edwardian

A fascinating article on the London Times website. I know that people used to eat like this, but it doesn't want to sink in...

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/healthy_eating/article1640930.ece

"There can have been no better time for a chap like me to be alive. So what an enormous stroke of luck that the BBC were looking for someone to send back to that very era — to live, dress, exercise, eat and drink like an Edwardian man of means — to find out what it did to his girth, his arteries, his inner organs, his digestion, his mood, his very soul. Some guinea pigs might have been daunted by the prospect of four whopping meals a day, rivers of grog and hardly any fruit, vegetables or water for an entire week. But not I.

"I just couldn’t wait for them to Edwardian Supersize Me..."

But afterwords he says:

"As for Dr Petty, he was not amused. He found that although I had put on only a pound in weight, my body fat had increased by an extraordinary 10 per cent over the week, with corresponding declines in muscle mass and water content."

Can you believe that? In one week! ICK!

My Virgin Voyage with the String Bags

So my string bags came Monday. Yesterday I needed to go to the grocery store, and decided that this would be a perfect time to test them out. I planned ahead, and brought them in my work bag with me. It was a good test, because I needed to get some heavy stuff: OJ, baby carrots, bananas and beef broth, as well as eggs, which are delicate.

First of all, the weather was not cooperating, because yesterday was cold and rainy. I got off the bus at my stop, and walked over to the Krogers. I used their cute little plastic basket to gather my things. Here’s what I bought:

Bananas, mushrooms, 1 lb. baby carrots, goat cheese, bread, 1 qt. beef broth (in a box, not a can), ½ gallon OJ, 1 dozen eggs and 1 gallon milk (it was on sale). I went up to a register (I didn’t self check out because I had old bananas, which I thought might be cheaper. They weren’t. Since when do they not give you a break on old bananas?)

I whipped out my bags and prepared to load, when (surprise, surprise) a bag boy came to pack my stuff. These days it’s a toss-up whether you will have to pack your own groceries. I handed him my bags, and he said (are you ready for this?)

“Uhhh, you want to use these bags? They seem like they are going to rip.”

ARGH! As someone who spent my hard-earned money on these string bags after numerous horrible experiences with Krogers cheap-youknowwhat bags, this really cheesed me off. I have chased oranges down the driveway, had apples so badly bruised that they were terminal, had to pick up numerous things that fell out of the bags, etc. I was furious and yet enjoying the irony at the same time.

I looked at him, and seriously pondered going off on how Kroger has progressively made their bags thinner, to the point where they now rip if you look at them cross-eyed. But then I thought, he’s like 16. He doesn’t care, and he has less than zero control of how Kroger Corporation makes policy decisions. So I didn’t let him have it. (Pause while I adjust my halo.)

I instead explained (politely) that they have been using these bags in Europe for years, and that they are guaranteed to hold 40 lbs. each. He said OK, and he, the cashier and I actually got into a brief discussion about the recent rulings in SanFran and Portland regarding plastic bags. (Which, of course, has nothing to do with my string bags, but it seemed more polite than, “Your bags are crap, CRAP I say!”)

I left the store with the long-handled bag over my shoulder, the short-handled bag in my right hand, and the gallon of milk in my left hand. It was still raining. Cold rain. But I gritted my teeth and went for it. If Hetty Wainthropp*** can do it at 60, then I certainly can do it at 30-and change.

I made it home, damp but triumphant, with all eggs intact, and the bread not squished. All in all, I think the bags work, and do what they are supposed to do. Hurray! I’m not relishing having to have a conversation with every cashier and bag boy at Krogers about how the bags ARE secure, but overall I would call this a success.

***Hetty Wainthropp is a character on a British detective series of the same name, starring Patricia Routledge as the title character. (Most Americans know Ms. Routledge as Hyacinth Bucket, pronounced bou-quet. As funny as she is in Keeping Up Appearances, I prefer her as the down-to-earth, no-nonsense Hetty Wainthropp.) The series is enjoyable and well worth checking out. Netflix has it. I'm just saying.

Say it Ain't So, Fred!

Fred Thompson has just revealed that he has been battling cancer for 2 years:

http://www.redstate.com/stories/elections/2008/what_you_need_to_know

On the other hand, what he has is called an indolent lymphoma, which is apparently very slow growing and not life-threatening. People usually die of old age before they die of it. Which is good, both for him and for the country, if he can still get elected.

Again, my favorite funny conservative blog, imao.us has the best line:

Lymphoma Has Made the Wrong Enemy

Posted by Frank J. at 02:06 PM
View blog reactions

Fred Thompson has revealed he has lymphoma (if Red State has recovered from being linked by The Drudge Report, Fred Thompson wrote about it in a post there). It's in remission and has no effect on him (because, of course, he's Fred Thompson). I've never publicly said so, but I'm kinda excited about the idea of a Fred Thompson candidacy, so I hope the fact that he's putting this information out is an indication he's planning on running.

I'm sure you will all join me in wishing Fred Thompson the best, but
you should also know that he spits on our well-wishes because he doesn't need them. He's Fred Thompson. (end quote)

****************
Well, all I can say is: best wishes to Sen. Thompson and his family, and I sincerely hope that this will neither dissuade him from running nor dissuade people from voting for him.

Other Favorite Mr. Burns Quotes

Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun.

Ironic, isn't it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.

I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.

I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there's too many fat children.

What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh. Hmmm, why here's the fellow ... Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.

Well, that's odd ... I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers - have him beaten to a pulp.

Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!

Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.... Layabouts.... Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.

We must crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.... In that I mean, it's time for the worker of the week award.

Hmmm. . . eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd rather keep the dollar.

Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There's a "New" Mexico?


And a couple of random funnies:

Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder, really, what IS that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

And one by Kent Brockman: Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

AND, here's a Forbes "profile" of Mr. Burns, which is pretty funny: http://www.forbes.com/2005/12/06/montomery-burns-wealt_cx_de_05fict15_1206burnsprofile.html

DJ, Mrs DJ, Fred Thompson and Me

So regular reader DJ (and the lovely Mrs. DJ) have asked why I am such a Fred D. Thompson fan. AND, they have used The Hon. Gentleman from Tennessee in a (very funny) tree-hugging joke against a certain Republican Who Thinks Recycling Is Stupid (me). They got me some biodegradable cleaning supplies as a housewarming gift. This concerns me, because if the mere Earth can degrade these cleaning supplies, what will GERMS be able to do to them? Will the cleaning supplies cower in fear as the germs take over my once happy home? Will my home become disease central, with ebola and the black plague running rampant? Perhaps if I mix them with some Clorox...

However, it was very thoughtful of them and completely unexpected. And of course, I find their naivete touching. They don't recognize the threat that germs are in this world. They seem to think that if we want peace with the germs, the germs will want peace with us. The grapefruit scented stuff does smell pretty good though...

Once again, my all-time favorite Mr. Burns quote: (all together now) "Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she’s losing. Well I say, hard cheese."

Seriously though, I read a wonderful editorial on the blog imao.us recently, which talked about the concerns many people were expressing about certain animals, bugs and plants becoming extinct. They came up with a list of animals that are actually useful and enjoyed by people (and not just for eating). There were about 5 animals on the list. (NOTE: Cats should be included. Frank just likes to goof on cats.) And as for bugs, well come on. We've all had otherwise wonderful summertime events ruined by crawling (or, worse yet, flying) things. And if we could get rid of the poppy, coca plant and cannibis, our War on Drugs (TM) would get a lot easier. Then we could focus on the War on Cough Syrup (and whatever else goes into making Meth).

Here's the link:
http://www.imao.us/archives/007570.html

But the real point of this post is: a few posts ago, DJ wondered WHY (besides his obvious super-coolness) I want Fred Thompson to be our next president.

Since I know that Democrats get twitchy when they have to read long stuff, I will keep this short and sweet.

I want Fred Thompson to be president because:
*He is SMRT (yes, that's on purpose, Homer!)
*He has been very consistent about what he is for/against, unlike 99.9% of politicians out there, who change with the wind. And I agree with most everything he is for/against.
*He is generally viewed as a straight shooter by other politicians (as opposed to, say, Bill Clinton, who had acquired a nickname by his fellow politicians that was a little too reminiscent of Tricky Dick, even for a young college kid like me).
*(And it's sad that this should even have to be a factor) He has name recognition - the fact that he's an actor will help get him votes.
*Fortunately, however, he was a lawyer and a senator first, so he's not just an actor. He has chops.
*He doesn't seem to suffer fools gladly, which is important to me (and part of the "straight shooter" factor).
*His wife is an intelligent professional woman in her own right, and not just arm candy.
*He seems stable and confident, assertive but not hyper. A real man, if you will.
*He has some experience under his belt, which is important. I know hippies used to say not to trust anyone over 30 (which is pretty pathetic because they are now 60 and still want to dictate every aspect of our culture to us), but when it comes to the people who run the country (or state, or city) I don't trust anyone under 30. I'm sorry. You must have life experience to make the tough decisions.

Last Night's "House" and Bad Advice

So last night's dual storyline was dumb on a couple of levels. First, the team was split up. House and Cuddy were flying back from a medical symposium in Asia (I kind of zoned out there, as I tend to do when Cuddy talks, but I think it was a WHO symposium on pandemics. OK, 1) Isn't the WHO (not the band, the World Health Organization) part of the UN? If so, then why wasn't the symposium in either New York or Brussels? 2) I get it - Bird Flu, Asia, pandemic conference. But since the furthest west the Bird Flu has come is Turkey (hahaha) again, WHY? You are going to have a symposium of the smartest medical minds in the world smack dab in the one part of the world where the pandemic hangs out? Are you challenging the disease to a smackdown? Do diseases enjoy irony?)

Anyway, I think it was just part of building up the "why House and Cuddy are on an airplane heading back from Asia" thing. Sometimes I over think these things instead of going with the flow.

The other storyline had to do with the remnants of the team: The Three Stooges and Wilson. Their patient is a 60ish woman (who I swear was Ellen Travolta) who collapses at her home. Now, the person who called it in was apparently a lesbian prostitute that Ellen had hired. As they are trying to figure out what is wrong with her, she confesses that she went to Caracas recently (a crisis having to do with turning the same age her mother was when she died) where she not only drank the water and ate salad, she got a tattoo, got drunk, snorted cocaine off a gay man's stomach and did the nasty with El Gordo. She explains that she never does stuff like this and it was stupid. Dr Wilson leaves, looking a little shell-shocked, and she says to the hooker, "It's my fault I'm sick, isn't it? I can't believe I was so stupid."

And the hooker says, "No, it's not your fault."

OK. First of all, if I were you, I wouldn't take advice about whether behaviors have consequences from a prostitute. She's not the best person to ask.

Second of all, it could be the reason. (Turns out it wasn't, but still.) You don't have to do stupid things constantly for 60 years in order for the consequences to bite you. Sure, sometimes you dodge the bullets. But other people are actually unlucky enough to get pregnant the first time, or get a disease. Or, like me, get mugged the one time they get gas after dark.

To my mind, the "don't feel bad because you're sick, even though you just acted like a drunken sailor. It's not your fault" concept is really irresponsible. Bad things do happen to good people. And bad people. And indifferent people. But your choices can make a difference.

All in all, last night's episode was a let down, especially after last week's really thoughtful episode.

The Canuck to the Rescue!

So my good buddy North of the Border has rescued me! Several of my posts "disappeared" recently, but he was able to send them to me so I could re-post them. After all, I cannot be expected to recreate such brilliance. Besides, once Sybil takes over, I have no recollection of what she says.

So here they are again, with the original post dates noted.

If they disappear again, I'll know that blogger is a wholly-owned subsidiary of AOLTimeWarner, who also has the original Zapruder tapes.

I'm just saying.

Free Speech forever! and I'll post something truly new tomorrow. I'm working on a discussion of DJ & Mrs. DJ's very thoughtful hippie housewarming gift, which will segue into a Fred Thompson post.

Things will get easier once I get my new computer, and I won't be limited to posting on lunch.

Huh. Whaddaya Know?

Huh. Whaddaya Know? - Originally posted April 3

OK, so, after thinking about it for awhile, I did go ahead and order those nifty European string bags. (see previous post...here. Crazy Train https://www2.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=37043771&postID=116621561474074283)

I try to give myself a 30 day cooling off period before I buy anything, because you have much less morning after regret that way. Well, considering that my original post was in December, I think I did OK. Plus I had an unfortunate incident with a grocery bag the other day, so that spurred me to action.

Anyway, I placed the order yesterday, and today I got an email from the company, telling me that "my order has been fulfilled." Yup. FULFILLED. Ohhhkaaaayyyy, thought I. That's a little arrogant. Dreams get fulfilled, not orders for shopping bags. Are they illiterate, or am I about to learn something new? So, I did exactly what my dad has told me constantly since I was 5 - I looked it up!

And what do you think? One of the definitions IS: to execute, as in to meet the requirements of a business order.

See? You DO learn something new each day!

From The "Those Who Ignore History" File

From The "Those Who Ignore History" File - Originally posted April 2

I can never remember who said that those who ignore history are condemned to repeat it...http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/education/article1600686.ece

"Teachers are dropping controversial subjects such as the Holocaust and the Crusades from history lessons because they do not want to cause offence to children from certain races or religions, a report claims.

A lack of factual knowledge among some teachers, particularly in primary schools, is also leading to shallow lessons on emotive and difficult subjects, according to the study by the Historical Association.

The report, produced with funding from the Department for Education, said that where teachers and staff avoided emotive and controversial history, their motives were generally well intentioned.

"Staff may wish to avoid causing offence or appearing insensitive to individuals or groups in their classes. In particular settings, teachers of history are unwilling to challenge highly contentious or charged versions of history in which pupils are steeped at home, in their community or in a place of worship," it concluded.

However, it was concerned that this could lead to divisions within school, and that it might also put pupils off history."

What the heck happened to the Brits? Didn't they used to be tough??

I Hate THE MAN

I Hate THE MAN - Originally posted April 3

So I have been looking forward (with bated breath!) to the release on DVD (FINALLY) of the awesomely amazing TV show WKRP in Cincinnati. This show was so funny, I cannot even begin to describe it. At least, it was funny in my memory. You know what I mean? There are some things which you watch, and then years later watch again, and you think, "Huh. What the hell was I thinking? This isn't funny!" (Case in point: Laverne and Shirley.) WKRP is tricky, because it has not appeared in syndication. So it's basically not seen the light of day since it went off the air in the early 80s (82?). However, in my memory, it is hilarious.

Well, recently the reason why it hasn't been syndicated came to light, confirming the suspicions of all us conspiracy theorists out there: THE MAN (the music industry) wouldn't release it because of contract issues with the various music that was played on the show. Thus proving what everyone of my generation had suspected forever: it's not about rebelling, The Revolution or general coolness; it's about making money. Which I normally don't have a problem with, except when it affects something like this. Honestly, what is the big deal here? And, if I'm honest, I have a problem with the fact that they try to play it off like it IS about rebelling. Liars. And, if we're talking about the musicians themselves and not the record companies, THAT GOES DOUBLE! Repent, you snakes and hypocrites!

Then, we heard that finally, WKRP was going to be released from TV show purgatory, and released on DVD. HURRAY! The Canuck wowed and impressed me by saying he was buying Season 1 as soon as it came out, and we made plans to have a WKRP festival (I was even going to make Cincinnati 5-Way Chili). You must understand that The Canuck is younger than me, but older than The Clam, so he has many pop culture references which Clam misses. So we were going to introduce The Clam to Dr. Johnny Fever, Venus Flytrap, Herb Tarlek, Les Nessman and flying turkeys. (She was more interested in Sesame Street in the early 80s.)Now I find out that The Canuck ISN'T going to buy Season 1. Why? Because those losers in the music industry couldn't get past filthy lucre long enough to just release the darn show. No, they SUBSTITUTED other songs for many of the songs that were used in the show, and often in ways that compromised the jokes.

What a bunch of tools.

I Guess I'm Not the Only One

I Guess I'm Not The Only One - Originally posted April 2

Who was ever-so-amused by the "autistic guy to the rescue" theme from last week's 24. Here's Television Without Pity's take on it:

"The call rings through to the cell phone of a white guy making a depressing little scrambled-egg dinner in a depressing little kitchen, while another man sits and waits at the kitchen table. The guy with the phone, a Mark Hauser, isn't happy to be talking to Gredenko. It seems that he sold Gredenko some kind of access to his employer's something or other, but now it's not working any more, so Gredenko needs fresh protocols. With a guilty look at the guy he's making dinner for, Mark puts up a weak protest. But he quickly caves and says it's going to take a half-hour or more. Gredenko says that he'll be there in forty minutes, and hangs up. Mark returns to the kitchen, where the man sitting at the table announces, "I hongry." Oh, I see how it is. This makes me very, very worried. Mark scoops dinner out of the skillet onto his brother's plate, and his brother complains that it contains red peppers. "I don't eat red food," he Rain Mans. As stressed out as he must be right now, Mark swallows his temper and agrees to take the peppers out. "You take care of me, Mark. You always take care of me," his brother Lennys. For a developmentally disabled character, he certainly is astute about how quickly the show needs him to set up the dynamic between the two brothers. While Mark's de-peppering dinner, he asks his brother Brady to get on the computer and get some files from his office mainframe. Brady gets up and goes to the laptop without asking what files, but that's why you have an autistic-savant brother in the first place, so you don't have to worry about the details. Mark stands and watches him. Doesn't he have some peppers to fish out? "

Here's the whole thing if you're interested: http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/articles/content/a12937/

Did the Editor Take a Day Off?

Did The Editor Take A Day Off? - Originally posted April 3

From today's Detroit Free Press online (freep.com):"Police: Shelby Twp. confesses to killing 7-Eleven clerk"

Of course, in the body of the article, you come to understand that the entire township was not actually responsible for this poor clerk's demise; it was merely one sorry citizen of Shelby Twp.

However, that's not what the headline says. Based on the headline, I'm thinking the citizens banded together to rid their town of the scourge of overpriced sodypop and candy.

Whatever happened to EDITORS?

Last Night's 24 Suckfest

Last Nights 24 Suckfest - Originally posted April 3

I'm sorry - I feel like a bit of a heretic, but after listening to people have totally organic experiences*** for the last several years about how 24 is the best show EVER, and how they are working to bring Lucy, Jackie Gleason and Uncle Miltie back from the dead just so they could kiss Kiefer Sutherland's feet, I'm really not feeling the love for 24 that I expected to.

Last night possibly topped last week's episode as the most completely stupid ever. Although there were no autistic people being used as bait this week...First of all, we STILL have no clue about the fate of Mr. Usurped the Presidency Logan, or his wacky wife. Then we have President Palmer Junior, who was nearly blown up in a bomb attempt a few hours ago, who has been de-comafied by his doctors so he can show the VP that he IS competent to run the country (competent only in the sense that he's lucid, not competent in the sense that he has ever had a clue what he's doing). To which the VP says, No you're not either. So it comes down to a vote of the Cabinet, which is (of course) a TIE. Then the Veep says, Well, Karen's vote doesn't count, because she resigned! So I win! Neener-neener Boo-boo! To which Karen gets all huffy and whiny. Aside: Sorry, Chickie. You did resign, because Tom Lennox was being a big meanie to you. Guess what? You had a Cartman moment (Screw you guys, I'm going home!) and shuffled off to the airport to fly home to LA and the arms of your hubby. You don't get to take that back like that. You even resigned without notice, during a major national crisis. I can't think of any employer I've ever had who would have reacted to that with, "That's OK! Get back over here, you big palooka!"However (and I'm really embarrassed to even admit this, but 12th grade Government class was just a few...eons ago, so oh well) is this even the correct policy when something like this comes up? I'm trying to think if this ever HAS come up - maybe President Wilson, when he had that stroke? And even if that's the case, is the National Security Adviser a member of the Cabinet? The Secretary of Defense is, sure. I guess it doesn't matter, since in 24merica, this is how it works. Anyway...in a storyline that really really took too long, the President wins and is declared competent. (Never mind that he keeps making funny faces like he's in terrible pain, or perhaps is very constipated. That wouldn't be a warning sign would it?)

All this, only to prove that perhaps it WAS a little too soon for him to take the reins back from the Veep, because - he launches a nuclear strike against Islamia (they steadfastly refuse to name Fayed's country, so I just did)!!! Again, can he DO that? Can the President order a nuclear strike? Doesn't he have to get congressional approval or something? 12th grade is a bit of a blur (no, I wasn't stoned, just disinterested) but the phrase "checks and balances" keeps popping into my head.

Next we have Nadia (the Mole/not the Mole) back at work. She gets a phone call from Ricky Schroder, telling her to come to his office, and not to tell anyone where she's going. Um..OK. Sure. I mean, you tied me up and throttled me last week, why wouldn't I go into an office alone with you without telling anyone where I'm going? Once there, he says that perhaps they got off on the wrong foot. (nooooo.) BUT, here's the thing - he knows who the Mole is: Milo. (Which I predicted a couple of weeks ago). Blah blah blah, security perimeters... I can't understand the geekspeak, but the way it's said makes me suspect Nadia again, since we all know she's been using Milo's security code. Meh. It's one of the two of them. I want it to be Milo, because for it to be Nadia would be SOOOO predictible. Plus I really truly can't stand Milo's pornostache. I just want to have Ricky tie him up so I can shave it off. With a dull razor.

Then, we have, once again, miracle medicine. First the President recovers from his TBI like that (snaps fingers), and now, we have the incredible walking amputee! So Jack has Gredenko, and is going to use him to set a trap for Fayed. They set him up with an audio bug (which looks like it's from the I Spy era) and then - coolness! - insert a different bug (tracking device thingie) into the skin of his forearm, which has radioactive isotopes in it ("Topes rule! Wooo!") that "have a half-life of 11 hours." Thanks for the info, Dr. Science. Now can you tell me why you're injecting the bug into his forearm, instead of his torso, or the one extremity no man is ever going to cut off willingly (except for those Hale-Bopp guys)?

So, naturally, Gredenko gets to Fayed, says "Shhh" while he shows them the audio bug, which they destroy, and then, in a move that even John Wayne couldn't pull off, sits silently while they hack off his forearm with an ax! Come ON! No flipping way! You are not got to have your forearm chopped off without crying out. (With an ax that just happens to be in Building J at the Santa Monica Pier.) Then, because the completely useless radioactive isotopes are sitting on the floor in a pool of blood, the bad guys are able to make their getaway. Once again, I'm not a doctor, but wouldn't the pain of having your forearm chopped off render you unconscious? Seriously. Your body has overrides when things get too painful. Of course, later he collapses under the dock as the tide comes in, and all I can think is: where's Jaws when you really need him? I mean, all that blood ought to bring out at least one shark, right?

There were really only 2 cool moments last night:

1. When Fayed and Gredenko are running away (Gredenko clutching his bloody stump) and they run through a bar - Gredenko yells out that Fayed is the terrorist everyone is looking for, and the bar patrons surround him and kick the crap out of them. Then Jack shows up and makes them stop. Then he kicks Fayed in the head. Hurray!

2. Tom Lennox (the Ghostbusters 2 guy) saves the day, AGAIN, by bugging the Veep's office, so he is able to tape the slutty secretary offering to perjure herself for the Veep. (Then again, I'd "perjure" myself for him too - he's the only studly guy in Washington, it appears.) Bet Tom ate his Wheaties this morning, because he a just been a superhero!

***Totally Organic Experience was a horrifically skanky ad campaign for Clairol shampoo a few years ago. (Isn't that just a clever play on words?! Yes, if you're in 7th grade!) It was nauseating to watch, and (although I'm sure Clairol could care less) it cost Clairol a third generation customer, because I refused to buy the product anymore. And I still haven't gone back, even though the ad campaign is, thankfully, over.

What Kind of Morons Are We Growing?

So 2 young men (21 YO) vandalized a local Church recently. It was an Iraqi Catholic Church, but these bozos thought that, because it was Middle Eastern, it must have been a Muslim "church" because everybody knows that Middle Easterners are Muslims. Never mind that it is called St. Mary's Assyrian Catholic Church and has crosses all over it.

Boy, those were tax dollars well spent educating these losers.

Get a clue, people. There are Catholics in EVERY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. All of them. Except Antarctica. Unless there are researchers there, in which case, one of them is probably Catholic.

Just because they are Middle Eastern doesn't make them Muslims. Just like just because you are over 18 doesn't make you a grown-up.

And you'd think that anyone living in metro Detroit, which has the largest amount of Middle Easterners outside of the Middle East, would know that.

Coronation Street, I Miss You Already!

So the CBC, ever-ready to irritate its Corrie fans, has taken Corrie off the air Monday-Friday at 7:00 pm until the hockey playoffs are over. Keep in mind that the hockey playoffs last 2 full months! I'm a huge Red Wings fan, but even so - did they have to make me choose?! Now I know how Sophie felt! Yeah, sure, they are still running the "omnibus" (Canadians sure use funny words: omnibus, toque, Quebec...) Sunday mornings from 7:30 - 10:00, which is fine, except that the CBC doesn't seem to grasp that soaps are, by definition, ADDICTIVE, and going an entire week between episodes is NOT COOL. Would they do this to a smack addict? When last we left our intrepid Weatherfieldians, Claire was having a baby on her couch, and her idiot husband wouldn't let the doctor near her. (Oh sure, he has a good reason for that, but I really don't see Dr. Matt Ramsden getting it on with Claire WHILE she's in labor. He's seductive, but not that seductive!) Now I'm going to have Claire's squealed, "Ashley, PLEASE!" in my head until Sunday when I get back from church. Great. I NEED my Corrie fix, or bad things happen.

Months ago, when I first stumbled upon the Corrie Canuck website (which graciously allows Americans to post as well, even though by definition you'd think that was verboten) we got to grumbling about how we (CBC watchers) are several months behind the actual episodes. What I mean is this: we just had the Father's Day 2006 episode here in North America. Shelley just left for her new life. Claire is just about to spawn a red-faced baby to compete with her husband in the temper tantrum category. Yeah. It's very confusing, and not pleasant, because we keep stumbling upon spoilers which are old news to those in the UK. (For example, I know of one upcoming death of a character I really enjoy, and every time this person is on the show now, I get all upset and melancholy.)

Anyway, I suggested to the Corrie Canuckers (not to be confused with The Canuck, who doesn't watch Corrie ever) that perhaps I should threaten the CBC with a little American-style intervention if they didn't bring us up to date with the UK. I decided, for international peace and brotherhood, to forego that idea. Well, times have changed. I am taking action! Here's my draft of my letter to the CBC.

What do you think? Will they be scared enough to comply and put Corrie back on where it belongs?!?!

DEAR CBC: RELEASE CORONATION STREET FROM ITS IMPRISONMENT ON SUNDAY MORNINGS AND RETURN IT TO PRIME TIME ASAP, OR THIS LETTER WILL BE MAILED!

To: President George W. Bush
The White House

Dear Mr. President:

I know you have had some disappointments lately in your search for weapons of mass destruction. It has come to my attention that Peter Mansbridge, a Canadian news reporter, has many, many WMDs in his possession. (In case you are unsure, "Canada" is a large land mass directly north of the USA. If you put your finger on Texas and go up, it will be right above Montana.) I think that you should send troops to the CBC's headquarters in Toronto as soon as you can. Be careful: Mansbridge is very wily.

Please tell the troops to be very careful and not hurt Rick Mercer, though. I really like him.

Sincerely,

A Loyal American on the Border

BTW, CBC, IT WOULD BE REALLY NICE IF YOU WOULD GET US CAUGHT UP TO THE BRITISH EPISODES, SINCE THEY ARE ALMOST A YEAR AHEAD OF US.

DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS!!!

Very Weird

OK, it seems that Blogger has "disappeared" a few of my posts - one about the last terrible 24, and one about how disappointed I am in the WKRP DVDs that are coming out...this does not seem like a coincidence to me. Call me paranoid, but I'm thinking that's on purpose, especially snce it has been days and they haven't reappeared...