Hollywood

For the last several years, we have been hearing about the big "box office slump" that Hollywood has been experiencing. They are wringing their greedy little hands and wondering what is going on. Well, here's my 2 cents, and if they listen to me, they might learn a thing or two.

1. Let's take the obvious one first: ticket prices. Last time I checked, ticket prices were $8 or $8.50 (this just shows you how often I go see a movie at the theater). I live in Michigan, so our ticket prices are not going to be the highest in the country. Now, we've all heard Grandma talk about how she used to go to the movies and it cost two bits (which I think means 50 cents) and the candy cost a nickel and for that 50 cents you got a double feature, previews, newsreels, a cartoon, and at least one "short" (The 3 Stooges, for example). Of course, what with walking uphill 5 miles in the snow to school, they needed all this time just to get their strength back. However, it does make one a little peeved, when we are paying $8 for 1 movie and previews, and COMMERCIALS. At the risk of sounding like a grouch, I can watch commercials at home for free. What's more, I can use the commercial time to powder my nose, get a drink from the kitchen, take out the trash etc. I can certainly MUTE the commercials. I rarely actually sit and watch a commercial.

2. The video rental issue. As I like to say to people, when I can watch from the comforts of home, why would I pay $8 to go to a crowded theater and deal with 100 self-absorbed people who are (pick all that apply):
a. ignoring their crying children
b. fielding cell-phone calls
c. getting up multiple times
d. talking to their friends
e. kicking the back of your seat
f. eating popcorn like they just got back from 3 months in the jungle, with nothing but lizards to sustain them

People like this may get invited to watch one movie with me, but they don't get invited back.

But at home, if it's too loud, I can turn it down. If I miss dialogue, I can rewind it. If I have to piddle, I can pause it. I can get a blanket if I'm too cold. I can drink a glass of wine while I watch the movie (or an Irish coffee, or 6 tequila shots). Plus, my floor is hardly ever sticky and popcorn laden. (Except after 6 tequila shot nights!) Additionally, if it's a bad movie, I can just turn it off.

When you've shelled out $8 for a movie, plus another $8 for popcorn and a sody-pop, you don't want to walk out. You have just spent serious money. I mean, think about it: $16 is more than the majority of Americans make in an hour. It's not an insignificant amount of money. You feel really ripped off (at least I do). That's one of the reasons video stores became popular in the first place. For less than the price of one ticket, I can rent a movie at Blockbuster and invite a few people over to watch it. Divide up the cost, and it's less than $1 per person. If you check the movie out from the library, the total cost is $1. Is this a great country or what!?!? I will say, however, Blockbuster: your days are numbered. Recently The Clam and I found ourselves wanting to watch a movie on a Friday night. I remembered that she had never seen Caddyshack (gasp!), so we decided to rent it. The library was already closed, and the down side to Netflix is that you cannot decide on a whim you want to watch a movie and have it within an hour. So off we went to Blockbuster. They charged us $4.49 for a 25 year old movie. I could NOT believe it. What a ripoff! The library would have been a much better option. But planning is everything (for the moment, until downloadable movies become the norm). Anyway...

3. With apologies to Lloyd Bentsen, "Brad Pitt, I knew Cary Grant. I have seen dozens of his films. You, sir, are no Cary Grant." The golden age of Hollywood is OVER. There are no more Cary Grants, Audrey Hepburns, Barbara Stanwycks, Gary Coopers, Humphrey Bogarts, Lauren Bacalls (well, she's still alive, but she doesn't do much anymore). I cannot think of a single actor today who has the charm, the grace, the charisma of the giants. I know there was a move for a while there to try to make Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan be the new Tracy & Hepburn, but they just weren't. So you don't really have the drawing power that you used to. I mean, people used to say, "The new Cary Grant movie is playing this week at the Odeon. Let's go!" I don't know any actors that people say that about these days.

4. The there's the CONTENT of the movies. As in, there is none. There's mindless violence, mindless sex, or possibly both, and a lot of swear words. You know, when it comes to that kind of stuff, here's my thing: It takes more talent to lead people's imaginations than it does to spoonfeed them every detail. Steve McQueen (what a great actor!) didn't do a lot of cursing in his movies. As a matter of fact, he looked down on it. He felt that if he couldn't show his emotions without swearing, then he wasn't doing his job. (How true!) A good actor can relate everything they need to by his face, his body language and a little dialogue. All of which reinforces what I said in number 3.

5. Let's get back to the money issue, because I believe that the money issue is the really big issue here. I believe it makes all the difference. So, here's the other side of "$8 a ticket." Back when Grandma was shelling out two bits for movies, what else was she shelling out for, entertainment-wise? Most familes had a radio in their living rooms. That was IT. No cable television (or satellite dish), no video rentals, no internet, no satellite radio, no Nintendo, etc. Now, many people have most (or all) those things, and they are paying a lot of money for them. It adds up. And, frankly, the amounts astound me. Some of those video game machines are over $300 - and you haven't even bought a game yet! Plus they have to be upgraded every couple of years. Some people pay well over $100 a month just for cable TV. I mean, this stuff really adds up! (I can see you at home now, loyal fans, thinking, "No s***, Sherlock!")

But my point is: the movie industry is competing with a lot more for your entertainment dollar. And there's just so many dollars to go around. When I was renting Caddyshack that night, I said (loudly), "Wow. I could rent 4 1/2 movies at the library for this price, and be halfway to a free rental!" (Yes, it did embarrass The Clam, but I think these things need to be said.)

So, Hollywood...I don't know what the answer is. There are occasions where the big screen is really cool. For example, The Clam, The Canuck and I went and saw the last Harry Potter at the local IMAX theater, and it was mind-blowing (and no, we weren't stoned). But here's the thing: we just had the dubious privilege of watching U of M get clobbered by Ohio State (aka Evil Incarnate) on a quite lovely flat panel high definition large screen TV. I'll bet Harry Potter would look way better on that TV than he does on my measly little 20 inch old-fashioned TV. Soooo, do I shell out $8 (or $11 at the IMAX) every time a movie comes out, or do I buy a plasma TV?

I just don't think that going to a theater to watch a movie is the best option any more. And, it seems from Hollywood's fiscal stats, I'm not alone.

Hollywood Update

Ok, so I forgot to mention one more thing (as if the post wasn't long enough). A few nights ago on CBC News (with Peter Mansbridge) there was a piece about the next possible step in Canadian television - Network TV wants to charge cable companies for the privilege of airing the networks. In other words, cable companies currently pay for channels like TCM, USA, A&E etc. but they can broadcast network TV for free (in the USA that would be ABC, CBS, NBC, and in Canada it would be the CBC, CTV, and so forth). Networks want the cable company to pay them. The cable companies are saying that, if it comes to that, they will turn around and up everybody's cable bill. To the tune of $5 CDN a month. That's $60 a year.

Now, this story was just referring to Canada, but if it works there, how much you wanna bet that the American networks will follow suit? They know money when they smell it.

Grrrr.

Episcopals Are Our Betters, Pt. 2

Well, I still haven't heard back from Presiding Bishop Schori (or her mouthpiece) regarding her little gaffe about Catholics and Mormons being moronic breeders who don't care about the planet. But I did find this link (gosh I hope this works) http://www.getreligion.org/?p=2065
which details the exchange that Dr. Greg Popcak (a well-known Catholic radio personality) had with Bishop Schori's office.

Well, now I'm just being catty, but check out the picture of PB Schori. OK, does anyone else remember the bruhaha about wearing their graduation caps on the backs of their heads as opposed to squarely on their noggins? I remember our principal telling us that if we came up to get our diplomas with our caps on the back of our heads, he wouldn't give them to us. So would you like to explain why PB Schori is wearing her episcopal mitre on the back of her head? It looks even more stupid on a 50-something bishop than it does on an 18-year-old high school graduate!

What a 'tard. That kind of behavior is clearly why we need a eugenics movement. People who do things like that shouldn't be allowed to breed.

Ok, removing tongue from cheek now.

The Rat Pack Is Back!

OK, so I went to see "The Rat Pack Is Back" over the weekend. (I got in for free - otherwise $40 is too darn much for any play!) For those of you who don't know what that is, let's start at the beginning. The Rat Pack was a staple in the 60s in Las Vegas. It was Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Dean Martin, Joey Bishop and Peter Lawford. (Little known fact: the Rat Pack was formed in the mid 50s by Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall, with Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner. But then Bogey got sick and died, and Frank took it over and made it what we all know and love.) Anyway, this is a live musical and comedy performance by 4 actors, as a tribute to The Guys. (Like The Beatles Tribute band a few years ago.) It starts with God up in Heaven (which is making a big assumption, especially if you know anything about these guys) telling them that they are missed back on Earth and He's sending them back for one more show. God, incidentally, sounds a lot like Buddy Hackett, which is just wrong. God should sound like James Earl Jones, don't you think?

Anyway, this show was really great! Each of the guys did several of "their songs." For example, "Frank" did Come Fly With Me and My Way. Also, they had a lot of comedy routines in there (since Joey was a comedian, not a singer) which were hilarious and completely un-PC. But it really felt lifted from an actual act of theirs, because they had "inpromptu" duets (which obviously couldn't have been) and there was all this goofing off and horseplay between the 4 which was so much fun to watch.

All of which just verified that I was absolutely born in the wrong era. If you give me a choice between watching a man in a tuxedo, singing and performing what are generally known as "standards" and some rock band with stringy hair and ratty jeans screeching some hackneyed phrase like "oooh baby", I will go for the tux-wearer every time! Could be Frank, Sammy or Dean, or Tony or Perry or Bobby even. But man oh man, THAT is music.

What a great afternoon!

Chester Cheetah Has a Problem

OK, so last night I'm watching Family Guy (since Mystery! wasn't on PBS - they are having fundraising drive #27 for this fiscal year, and I cannot watch Andre Rieu without thinking about that goofy character from Serendipity.) There are 2 things you must know:

1. Chester Cheetah is the cartoon schill for Cheetos brand cheezy poofs.
2. The Family Guy is infamous for bizarre non-sequiturs which get interspersed into the show.

So all of a sudden, we flash into Chester Cheetah's living room. He's blasting Rush, and he has Cheetos on his coffee table, which he proceeds to cut with a razor blade and snort, leaving a bunch of bright orange residue on his nose, and he says (loudly), "Oh yeah! Neil Peart is the best drummer EVER!!"

Lighten Up!

OK, to lighten the mood a little, here's a quote from a hilarious cartoon, Pinky and The Brain. If you don't know what that is, get thee to a Netflix-ery!

Brain: One day we will live in a world where a mouse rules, and it's the humans who are forced to lead these humiliating diversions.
Pinky: You mean Orlando?

Or, one of The Clam's and my favorite deep philosphocal thoughts:

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

Hahahaha.

Natural Born Killers remix

So in the 90s a movie came out starring Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis, called Natural Born Killers. If you haven't seen it, don't. It's creepy and disturbing. When the movie came out, I remember hearing that it was based on a true case from the 60s. A man named Charles Starkweather and a teenager named Caril Ann Fugate went on a rampage which started with them killing her entire family and ended about a week later. I think the total body count was 10. He was executed, she served a few decades in jail, is now a free woman, and lives in Michigan (hurray!).

Her defense was that she was an innocent victim of Charles', that she was afraid of him, afraid for her life if she tried to stop him. The jury didn't buy it, and neither did the cops at the time, who referred to her as cold-blooded.

Well, we've just seen history repeat itself in Michigan. In January, a man named Patrick Selepak was released from prison BY MISTAKE (Homer says D'oh!) and got engaged to the girl he had been comunicating with while in prison, a young woman named Samantha Bachynski. They celebrated their engagement by stealing a gun from a local gun and knife show. (Girls: when he wants to celebrate your engagement by committing a crime, you should run the other way. Immediately.) They then proceeded to kill a young couple and their unborn child. A couple of days later they killed another man. Then they were caught (thanks to an alert woman who tipped off the cops). Anyway, Selepak plead guilty over the summer, but refused to testify on Bachynski's behalf. Her defense is eerily similar to Fugate's from 40 years ago: she was afraid for her life if she tried to stop him.

OK. Stop right there. (Now you get to see what The Clam has to put up with on a daily basis.)

I'm sorry. You don't stand there and allow someone to torture and kill 3 people, including a pregnant woman. You just don't. I can't imagine standing by while someone was torturing an animal, much less a person. As for her being afraid, she went to CVS Pharmacy for duct tape BY HERSELF. If you're really in fear for your life, and you get let out to run an errand, at that point you go for the cops. Why would you walk back into the situation?

This news story has been of great interest to the local media, so there has been much footage of court proceedings. Every time she is shown, she is crying. Seriously. Not crying from remorse, mind you, crying because "it's not her fault." She maintains that she didn't do anything wrong and she doesn't know why she should be punished. Seriously. She has been found guilty and the victims' families were allowed to address her Monday. She cried all the way through their speeches, with her back to the families.

She reminds me of a child who has been caught and is being punished, but who thinks crying will mitigate the punishment. I don't know whether to be angry at her or feel sorry for her. But every time I see her on the TV, she turns my stomach. You participated in ending 4 lives. Even if you did none of it yourself (which I don't buy), you stood by while evil was being done, when you could have prevented it. Take some responsibility. Do some penance.

St. Cecilia

Today is the feast of St. Cecilia. She is one of my favorites, for a lot of reasons. She is one of the early Roman martyrs, and the patron of musicians. She was one of those martyrs who were very hard to kill. They tried to suffocate her (I think in a steam bath) and that didn't work. Then they decided to execute her by beheading. Apparently, the law stated that you could only take 3 blows, and after 3 strikes they couldn't keep swinging. So 3 blows failed to completely behead her, and she was left to bleed to death. When they came back a couple of days later, she was lying on her side, and was holding up 3 fingers on 1 hand, and 1 finger on the other (1 God, 3 persons of the Trinity). Her basilica is in Italy (Trastevere) and there is a stone replica of how she was found. She is also an Incorruptible (her body has remained intact), even though she died over 1500 years ago.

Saints are funny things: some never achieve major popularity among the Church Militant. Some are popular for a while, but then become somewhat forgotten by the majority of people. A few remain very popular throughout the centuries, and St. Cecilia is one of those.

Why do I like her so much?
1. She was a consecrated virgin, who was married against her will, and converted her husband to the faith.
2. When they were playing lewd, crude and rude music at her wedding (wow - I knew Aerosmith was old, but I didn't know they were THAT old!) she simply listened with her heart and could hear choirs of angels singing Jesus' praise.
3. Her complete trust and faith in God as she lay bleeding to death. With beheading for being a Christian a possibility again (Religion of Peace, my eye!) I only hope that I could be 1/10th as strong as she was.
4. Her ability to leave a message of faith as she lay dying.
5. Being Incorruptible is sooo cool!

Here's a link for more info:
http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/03471b.htm

St. Cecilia, pray for us!

Holp! I'ze a Cat'lik!

So in case you haven't heard, the lovely and talented new Presiding Bishop of the ECUSA (American Episcopals) was recently interviewed (and I use that term loosely) in The New York Times. Seriously, the interviewer reminds me of one of my all-time favorite episodes of The Simpsons, "Burns Verkauft der Kraftwerk," in which Mr. Burns (my favorite character) gets bored with the power plant and sells it to a German firm. There's a scene where Smithers is learning 'Sycophantic German' ("You looken scharpen, mein Herr."). This could be construed as "Interviewing for Sycophants." Here's a link:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/19/magazine/19WWLN_Q4.html?pagewanted=print

Pay close attention to the following:

How many members of the Episcopal Church are there in this country?

About 2.2 million. It used to be larger percentagewise, but Episcopalians tend to be better-educated and tend to reproduce at lower rates than some other denominations. Roman Catholics and Mormons both have theological reasons for producing lots of children.

Anyhoo, there's been quite a fuss about this on St. Blogs, for obvious reasons. Someone even created a coffee mug that mocks this, complete with pics of Thos Aquinas, GK Chesterton, Flannery O'Connor and other smart Catholics on it. Anyway, here's the thing. I was raised ECUSA. I left that joke of a church to swim the Tiber and become a Catholic. So, as a former member of her church, and one of the myriad "dwindlers," I felt that I was in a position to actually say something about her attitude, which is arrogant and self-important and has strains of eugenics wafting around it. Here's what I wrote her:

Your comments in the recent New York Times article regarding the reasons why Episcopalians' numbers are dwindling in this country were ignorant at best, and offensive at worst. I was raised Episcopalian, and I left the Episcopal Church as a young adult. In case you are interested, here's what became of 5 former members of your church. This may actually explain the trends in your church better than your nasty "Catholics and Mormons breed like rabbits" theory. Since there was no real necessity to believe anything in the Episcopal Church, my father and one sister have stopped attending any church, and they are confident that this will present no problems whatsoever upon death. My mother, who was largely attracted to the Episcopal Church for the late 60s "fight the power" priests who were around, left the Episcopal Church to become a Unitarian-Universalist. I became a Roman Catholic (even though I have a college education - imagine that!). My other sister is currently in RCIA. So you see, 2 of us left because, according to the ECUSA, there is no earthly reason why you should have to get out of bed on a Sunday morning, 1 left because the U-Us provide all the same "tearing down the idols" moments, but without having to deal with hierarchy and the structure of church authority, and 2 of us have left to find a more orthodox vision of Christianity.

I find it interesting that, while you needed no incentive to go on the attack with Catholics and Mormons, you neglected to mention both Orthodox Jews and Muslims, who are well-known for having large families. No, that would have been un-PC, and you couldn't have done that.

For someone who claims to be inclusive, your bigotry is showing very clearly.

(End quote.) I'll let you know if I get a response.

So The Clam tagged me

for a meme, that is.

My birthday, by The Big Seester

I. Three Important Events Which Occurred on My Birthday
1. 1352, Innocent VI is elected Pope.
2. 1892, The first performance of Tchaikovsky's ballet The Nutcracker Suite is performed at the Mariinsky Theatre in St. Petersburg (no doubt explaining how I could, as a 5 year old, sit enthralled through an entire live performance in Chicago with my grandma).
3. 1996, The Oakland, California school board passes a resolution declaring "Ebonics" a language or dialect (thus hastening the decline and fall of the American Empire).

II. Two Important Birthdays, and One Death
This is hard, because there are a lot of famous people born on my birthday.
Part A: Birthdays
1. 1863, Franz Ferdinand, Archduke of Austria (victim of the lamest assassination EVER)
2. 1878, Josef Stalin (wouldn't Cousin Joe be proud?)

But also... Ty Cobb, Gladys Cooper, Betty Grable, Cardinal Jozef Glemp, Jacques Pepin, Keith Richards, Steven Spielberg, Ray Liotta, Leonard Maltin, Brad Pitt (ack!), Stone Cold Steve Austin, DMX, Cowboy Troy (the 6'5" black rapping cowboy from Big & Rich), Katie "Free Katie" Holmes-Cruise, and (gag) Christina Aguilera. So THERE!

Part B: Deaths (I must list 2)
1. 1971, Bobby Jones, golfer (Dad loves golf)
2. 1997, Chris Farley (former SNL-er)

III. Holidays and Observances
Seeing as this is right before Christmas, there are not many holidays and observances (Advent, you know).
However, according to the Wikipedia, it is the feast of St. Gatianus of Tours (known in French as St. Gatien), who was a 3rd Century bishop, involved in evangelization of the Gauls. Aaparently he pre-dated St. Martin of Tours, who has eclipsed him in popular saintdom.

Also, in the Greek Orthodox Church, it is the feast of St. Sebastian (he of the volley of arrows), which we Cat'liks celebrate on January 20th. Nothing against old Gatianius, but Sebastian ROCKS! Which begs the question, when are those crazy Greeks going to learn how to read a calendar correctly?

What does all this tell you about me?

Stuff I Love, Part 1

Ok, just to show you all that I am not a complete and total grouch (just mostly), I thought I had better balance the scales a little, because I do seem like a first class griper. I am in training for my dotage, when I fully intend to be cantankerous and difficult. However, I mentioned a few posts ago (I don't know how to do the little link, so just do the work and scroll down, you lazy bum!) how much I love the British show Coronation Street, which is sort of a soap opera, but not in the American soap style.

Another show I really enjoy is "Everybody Hates Chris," which is a comedy show about Chris Rock's childhood (well, pre-teen hood). He is roughly a contemporary of mine, which means that even though I didn't grow up in NYC, and I'm not black, I can still relate to most of the show. Also, Chris is well known for having what is technically known as a potty mouth, but this is a network TV show, so that isn't an issue.

For me, the stand out character is Chris' dad, who is played by Terry Crews (no, I had never heard of him before the show). He works 3 jobs to make sure the family is provided for, he knows exactly how much EVERYTHING costs, and he is constantly reminding his kids that money doesn't grow on trees. But he is clearly a giant in his son's eyes - as Chris recounts tales of his father, you can see how much he respects him. There's one episode where he is discussing something with his dad, and he tells his dad he loves him. His dad says, "See you tomorrow"and leaves for his night job. Chris narrates, "My father never said he loved me. He was one of three fathers on the block. When he said, I'll see you tomorrow, that meant he was coming home. And him coming home meant 'I love you.'"

See what I mean? A nice show.

Things That Irritate Me, Part 2

I realize that I am definitely not alone in this one, but can I just say Grrrr! to Christmas starting the day after Halloween? Thank God I no longer work in an office where WNIC gets piped through the loudspeakers, because I may have had to staple my ears shut by now. For those of you outside of the metro Detroit area, WNIC at the best of times plays cheesy pop favorites (scads of Celine Dion and Michael Bolton), but they play 24/7 Christmas music beginning November 1st. If I had to hear 2 solid months of Christmas music, by the time Christmas actually rolled around, I would be ready to dig Der Bingle (Bing Crosby) up and smack him around. Possibly Nat King Cole too, especially when his O Tannenbaum is sooooo hard to listen to, because he could not handle the German. Seriously. It's painful.

Now, I can see you all saying, "Wow, Scroogella, chill!" Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas. Love it! I love it for its religious significance - it is the birth of Our Savior. I also love it for its general fun-ness - lights and trees and cookies and egg nog and all kinds of good stuff like that. And I love Christmas music! I can sing dozens and dozens of Christmas songs, both carols and secular. I am not advocating sitting in the dark eating a crust of stale bread and cursing all those Whos down in Whoville.

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest. I'm sure there will be future Christmas Grrrrs! blog postings om my site, like how much I hate the now ubiqitous DeBeers Buy Her a Diamond, Because She Married You for Your Money, and Otherwise You Won't Get Lucky Next Year ads; the various obnoxious kids demanding unrealistic stuff from their parents ads, and of course the annual Christmas Wars incidents that arise. Plus I am sure there will be some surprises too.

Reality Check

Important self-disclosure: I don't watch reality TV. That's right - I have never seen Survivor, The Amazing Race or even The Bachelor. And, what's more, I don't think I am missing anything. I have been known, however, to watch the PBS "historical reality" shows. You know, Colonial House and so forth. My hands-down favorite of those is The 1940s House, which was produced by the BBC and featured 1 British family trying to live in a fabricated WW2 London. It was marvelous, and it's available for rent from Netflix. I highly recommend it. The contrast between that show and Frontier House was unbelievable (whiny yuppies complaining, smuggling contraband mascara and refusing to accept the judgement of the experts. GRRR!).

I also watched a couple of Morgan Spurlock's "30 Days" shows, before I gave up cable. I was especially interested by the minimum wage episode, where Morgan and his fiancee, Alex, move to Cleveland (or possibly Columbus, but it was definitely Ohio) and attempt to live on minimum wage salaries for 30 days, with no health insurance or any of the other amenities that we middle class folk take for granted. It was very interesting and a real eye-opener.

That kind of gave me my idea for a reality show. Morgan Spurlock can feel free to steal it if he wants (all others must ask permission!)

Let's face, the government may claim to be representative of the people, but your average politician (on the national level - not the local school board) is not like the rest of us. These people have money. Lots of it. Oodles and oodles of it (say it like Carol Channing). They have no concept of how most of this country lives. My first inkling of this came when, during the 1992 presidential campaign, we saw George Bush Sr. go to a grocery store and be fascinated by the bar code reader, which wasn't very new technology even then, but it tells you how long it had been since he had been in a grocery store. When he was asked how much a loaf of bread cost, he had no idea. I was in college at the time, but I remember thinking, "Wow. If he doesn't know how much a loaf of bread costs, how can he possibly have any concept of the money problems of the average American?" Now, lest you think that this episode caused me to do the unthinkable and (gasp!) vote Democrat, let me reassure you. I never had (voting) relations with Slick Willie. Even then, I recognized a bullpucky artist when I saw one. However, the Bush Bread Incident left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Now, I should hope that none of scores of readers of this blog are as naive as to think that the Democrats are The Party of the Common Man, whereas the Repulicans are The Party of the Rich and Famous. That may have been the case decades ago, but it is no longer true. As a matter of fact, it wasn't even true THEN. I'm sorry, John F. Kennedy wasn't a dock laborer in Bahston befowah his run for, er, president. FDR wasn't working on the line at GM either. Politics is the domain of the rich and richer. Once in a while, you may get a politician who comes up, but mostly, they have money, and they are used to a lifestyle which you or I will never experience. Which brings me to my idea.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, in 2002 in the USA, the average annual wages were $36,764. Now, this is more than a lot of us make, and of course it takes into account people who live in areas where the cost of living is enormous, like NYC and California. But it's a nice figure. I think US Senators should have to live on that for a couple of months. I think they should be moved out of their nice homes and into a standard home. For a couple of months, they should have to try to budget for groceries and mortgage and an unexpected car and/or home repair, while trying to make sure there's enough money for the heating bill (oops! cold snap!) and fluctuating gas prices. Let little Timmy get sick, and have them realize that their co-pay for the medications is going to take a chunk out of their food budget.

Only when this happens will they actually be able to represent us with any degree of clarity. Otherwise they are just blowing so much smoke up our collective patooties when they tell us that they are fighting for us and they understand our problems.

Of course, none of them would ever agree. But I dare to dream.

Of All the Sanctimonious, Hypocritical...

So I drove into work today, and I was listening to CBC Radio 2 (Classics and beyond) as I drove. There was a news story (part of the Arts Report) that said that, in the state of California, the number two industry for pollution is ...(can you guess?)... the film industry! Think about it: the crash scenes, the explosions, but also the sets, many of which get built on location, used for a movie and then knocked down, and also (apparently) tons of things like diesel generators, klieg lights and big rig engines which idle for very long periods of time. Hmmm, interesting factoid, you say. But why are you so upset?

Well, Virginia, I'm upset because the movie actors (and other celebrities) who make tons o'cash from these movies have the gall, the unmitigated gall, to pull stupid stunts like drive to awards ceremonies in expensive hybrid cars and then chide the rest of us because we don't all buy them. They make more money from 1 movie than I will make in my entire life, and then get preachy because I don't spend my widow's mite the way they see fit! Not to mention that many of these people have multiple (large) homes which need to be heated and/or cooled, multiple cars, yachts, etc. Plus they jet off to exotic locales whenever the desire suits them.

Now, I'm not one to tell them how to spend their money. I largely don't choose to support them with my hard-earned money, but that's my choice. There's still millions of Gullible Gusses out there willing to support them in the manner to which they have become accustomed. But to tell me that I need to buy a car with brand-new technology (which may or may not be the best choice long-term) and which is more expensive than I would otherwise purchase when they are earning their money by doing more damage to the environment than I will in my lifetime is hypocritical and infuriating. Now what was that Bible quote about pulling the beam out of your own eye? IDIOTS!

Update: here's a link to a cnn.com story about this: http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/science/11/14/hollywood.pollution.ap/index.html

Things That Irritate Me

There's a "new" holiday movie coming to a theater near you. It features Danny DeVito and I don't know who else , and it's about (wait for it...)

2 men who get super-competetive and stupid about who gets to be the alpha-male of Christmas in their family. It's called Deck the Halls, and I saw the preview last night. It has all the features necessary for such a completely unoriginal plot - tired schtick, rapidly escalating insanity, and (clearly superior) women shaking their heads and trying to compensate for the idiocy of their menfolk. It's the basic Penises Make You Stupid plotline. Silly Phallic-Americans, you can't help it - it's testosterone poisoning!!! Sigh. I zoned out on the rest of the commercial because I said, "Why are they re-releasing this piece of crap - Cinderella it's not!" I finally figured out that what I was thinking about was Jingle All the Way which starred Ahhhnold. Same movie, different actors, different year. You can see why I got confused.

OK. Memo to Hollywood: when Chevy Chase did this schtick 20+ years ago, it was funny. It is now just plain stupid. You guys aren't even trying any more. Just drop the Christmas Carol name and the holiday theme, and this could be any one of a dozen movies, and several TV shows as well.

And they wonder why ticket sales are down? Of course, this is but one reason out of many, but it is a reason. Now THERE'S a post I need to write.

Now, why would I pay $8+ to sit in a theater and watch this trash, when I can watch either It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street, which are true Christmas classics? Get over yourselves, Hollywood.

Just call me Grace!

So I sit here typing this post with nine fingers. Don't worry, the tenth one is still there, it's just temporarily out of commission. You'd be amazed how many things your index finger is used for - even on your non-dominant hand. Suffice it to say, my hair doesn't look as fab as usual...

So Thursday night, I decide to try a new recipe for a marinated cabbage and lemon salad with mint. (I figure cabbage is good for you AND cheap, which is a wonderful combination, except that it is usually drowning in mayo - not good for the waistline.) This is part of an endeavor to eat more fruits and veggies, in case you are wondering. So first I fail miserably at shredding the cabbage (there is clearly a geometrical equation there that I don't get, because I NEVER shred cabbage - it either ends up being big rectangular pieces or teeny tiny little bits). Then the recipe says, slice a lemon into very thin wheels. So I'm slicing and slicing and thinking, "Gosh this lemon is getting tricky to hold on to," when voop! goes the lemon and thwack! comes the knife. Then I said a swear and focused on getting to the kitchen sink before the blood started. I was successful in getting to the sink on time, I rinsed it out (you know how people make jokes about paper cuts and lemons? Well, guess what? Lemon juice stings regular cuts too!) and assessed the damage. It wasn't nearly as bad as when I cut a finger in college on a pop-top tunafish can; that time I could see the bone. This time I was sure I could stop the bleeding at home. 20 minutes later I accepted defeat (not very nicely though) and called my sister (The Clam) to ask what her plans were for the rest of the evening and would she like to accompany me to the emergency room. She gratefully accepted (she doesn't get out much) and tralala, we went to Bon Secours.

I will have you know that I only had to have one stitch, and they did it without anasthetic. I simply took a deep breath and reminded myself that all my German ancestors were watching from (hopefully) heaven, and that if I was a wimp, they would all tease me when I get there. Even the ones I never knew! I couldn't let that happen. Then the resident gave me a tetanus shot (since I don't know when my last one was - the last one I remember was the tunafish incident, which would be more than 10 years ago). On the way home, I had an interesting debate with The Clam. She is of the opinion that you should go and request a tetanus shot every ten years, whether you need it or not, whereas I am of the opinion that you should wait until you actually do yourself damage and then get one. I am sure this indicates deep differences in our philosophies of life.

And, after all that, the salad wasn't very good at all! However, I put this down to the cabbage pieces being too big - it won't marinate if they are. I will not be downtrodden though - I will try again, and this time, I have solved the lemon problem. I will slice very thinly 1/2 of 2 lemons and use the second (less grabbable) half for the lemon juice called for in the recipe. Common sense...eventually.

Lessons learned from this endeavor:

1. God doesn't want me to eat healthy - this wouldn't have happened if I was eating junk!
2. The Clam is way too careful - what's life if you can't live dangerously by not getting a tetanus shot until you need it (and yet SHE'S the former smoker - figure that one out!)
3. Years of watching tough guy movies have paid off - Steve McQueen would have said, "Now there's a girl with hair on her chest!"
4. I really should have taken geometry in high school.

The Big Seester

Election 2006

Hordes of fans have been clamoring for my two cents on the recent election. Well, as The Clam would say, "It's a secret ballot, so I'm not telling you who I voted for!"

However, I do have this to say. (It may not be super deep, and it's probably not even original. There's no such thing as an original idea. Deal with it.)

I have come to 2 conclusions about politicians in general. Forget the whole Republican/Democrat/Libertarian etc. (or Liberals/Conservatives/NDP/Parti Quebecois for our neighbors to the north) . Forget it. Politics is a big, giant joke. It's wrestling. And I don't mean real wrestling like high school and college aged boys do. I mean WWF wrestling. "Wrasslin," if you will. The whole thing is fake. Sorry to freak you all out. Here's how it works: There are heroes and there are villains. Sometimes the heroes become villains, and vice versa. Depending on who you are, you may root for a villain, because he's your hero. So you vote for Hulk Hogan, because you think he will be a more benevolent dictator than, say, Rowdy Roddy Piper. But in the end, it really makes no difference who you vote for, because...

They don't care one rat's patooty about us. It is a little, exclusive club of excessively wealthy people who want to (a) keep their money, and (b) make more money. Because, you know, you can never have too much money. They have no actual political convictions. They blow with the wind (like Louis Renault from Casablanca). And, depending on which party they claim allegiance to, they may claim to want to protect the poor, or cut off the welfare cow. But the vast majority of Americans and Canadians aren't welfare cases. We get up in the morning and go to work. We're not rich, and never will be. We just want a job, some healthcare, a home, and to retire before our 75th birthday. Politicians don't care. They don't care because they have no concept of life in our shoes. These people don't know what it is like to try to budget for groceries and gas and the heat bill. They have no concept. (See above comment about them being rich.) In the end, it doesn't matter to them if our jobs get outsourced to India, because no one they know will be affected, except that their shares in the corporation will go up. And their positions on social issues are completely based on what people want to hear. (Or as Kang said in that brilliant Simpsons Halloween episode, "Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!")

What triggered this, you ask? Well, it's been simmering beneath the surface for awhile. But really, the straw that broke the camel's back was this whole George Bush/Nancy Pelosi story. You see, Democrats have been playing Good Cop for the last several months (regarding Iraq anyway) whereas President Bush (and his merry band) have been playing Bad Cop. But now, with the shift of power, soon the Dems will be Bad Cop again and the Reps (but not Lame Duck Bush) will be Good Cop. See, it's all a game, people!

Do I sound depressed? Actually, I'm not. There is a certain relief that comes with this kind of clarity. I feel better, lighter, cleaner somehow.

The Big Seester

Why Coronation Street is the best!

OK, 'tis lunchtime, so I shall post and eat (my rye bread with caraway seeds...yuck).

Coronation Street (aka Corrie) is the best "soap" in the entire world, IMHO. Why, you ask? Well, luv, sit down an' have a cuppa with me and I will enlighten you.

First of all: longevity. This show has been on since 1960. Continuously. That is one long running show! And one of the really cool side benefits of that is that there is a never-ending amount of back story and defunct characters to learn about. And you never know who is going to turn up again (but not in a Bobby Ewing wasn't really dead way). Plus there are several characters on the show that have been on for decades (a couple since the original 13 episodes).

Secondly: the people are real. They are not these Hollywood fakes that inhabit all American soap operas, with the perfect bodies, hair, tans etc. They're not called Thorn, Storm, Britney, etc. These people are real people. Some of them are heavyset. Some of them are bald (and not in that Michael Jordan way). Some of them aren't very attractive. But they look like people you actually know. Also, they are working class people. I'm sure there is deep, sociological meaning in the fact that the biggest soaps in the USA have been the ones that focus on seriously rich people: Dallas, Dynasty, Falcon Crest. Well, Alexis Colby may eat caviar for breakfast. Nobody I know does. These are people that I might know. In fact, if I understand anything about NW England, it sounds a lot like Detroit - heavily industrial and now there aren't a lot of jobs. Gritty and rough and tumble.

Third: it's a fun cultural exchange. When I first started watching it, I really had to struggle to understand what they were actually saying. I taped it as I watched it, so I could go back and get the lines I missed. It's really like a whole different language, between the accent and the local slang.

Fourth: it treats serious topics with respect (like recently when Sally made Rosie take the morning after pill) but yet it still has a sense of humor.

So, if you don't already watch, check it out! 7 pm eastern time on the CBC!

The Big Seester

Say it ain't so!

This morning, I was awakened, as per usual, by a bony cat paw in my face. (She's a morning cuddler, but she can't tell time. Bad kitty!) I greeted the new day anxiously, skipping around the apartment getting ready for work, singing to a bluebird which was perched on my hand. I wondered what had become of the elections which were so hotly contested here in the great state of Michigan. I went to work, logged on, and checked CNN, only to find out news that shook me to my very core. I guess I'm still in shock, but I will try to convey my pain to you...

Britney and Kevin are getting a divorce! I know - I was floored too! I was so sure that they would last!

OK. That was mean. They are probably hurting right now. But seriously, who didn't see that coming? (Except the 2 of them, I mean.)

Here's the thing. I don't LIKE Britney OR Kevin. I don't want to know anything about them. As Tommy Lee Jones said in The Fugutive, "I don't ca-are!" (say it with a southern accent - it's more fun that way!) So why do I have to hear all this stuff?

The Big Seester

Idiot Alert

We need a zero-tolerance policy for people who play fast and loose with the English language. As I have said (in my profile - I don't know why I took the time to fill it out if you don't even bother to read it!) I am a member of the Militant Wing of the Apostrophe Protection Society. If you don't know what that is, read "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" by a very witty British lady whose (note: not who's) name I forget. I want to write to her and see if I can get a card, so I can be a card-carrying member. Here's my platform: people are lazy, and if they're (note: not their or there) not sure what is correct, they just guess. If we cut off a finger for each major grammatical/spelling error that makes it to a public venue, people will shape up, FAST. (Or end up being called Stubby.)

Enquiring minds want to know how I can be so callous?

You must understand the situation I am in, RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. I am eating my lunch at my desk and typing. I am eating a sandwich made with rye bread. Now, there are 2 kinds of rye bread readily available at the local supermarket. (Krogers. I wish it were the Piggly Wiggly. That would be much more fun to write about.) The 2 kinds of rye bread are "rye bread" and "Jewish Rye." The difference is that Jewish Rye does NOT have caraway seeds, whereas your basic loaf of rye does. IMPORTANT FACTOID ABOUT ME: I HATE CARAWAY SEEDS. They have a semi-anise-y flavor to them that I find revolting. Considering that I have a violent reaction to anise (it goes down, it comes right back up), caraway seeds are not something I want to eat. So, even though I am not Jewish, I always make it a point to buy Jewish Rye. (No one has ever asked me for ID when I buy it, although Iran may have operatives watching these purchases.) Normally, I just stop by the deli counter and pick up a loaf of Koepplinger's Jewish Rye. Unfortunately, Kroger's was out the other night. I am standing in the bread aisle, already in a bad mood, and listening to someone else's inane cell phone call. (When I call people, it's important. When others do it, it's just annoying.) And I am trying to find a Jewish Rye. No joy. I am just about to give up and look for pumpernickel (not a bad option, but not good for toast) when - There! In the distance! I see "Jewish"! Yes, indeed, Pepperidge Farm now makes a Jewish Rye. I am thrilled! I toss the bread in the cart and go on my merry way.

Fast forward to the next morning. I am making my sandwich for work. You can already see where this is going, right? OK. I'm not going to say any more. EXCEPT...This was a clear case of false advertising. Pepperidge Farm LIED TO ME. Except they probably didn't lie. They were probably IGNORANT and TOO LAZY to find out that Jewish Rye doesn't have caraway seeds in it.

And the end result is that I am eating a sandwich made from bread that has caraway seeds in it.

Grrr.

The Big Seester

Poppies...Poison Poppies

BTW, I do a fan-dam-tastic Wicked Witch of the West impersonation, just so you know...

But this post has NOTHING to do with the Wizard of Oz, except that when I think "Poppies" that's what pops up in my head. Little Sister (aka The Clam) claims that I have the weirdest stream of consciousness of anyone she has ever known. My brain does take funny little leaps, and I can't even blame it on youthful drug use.

This post has to do with poppies. The Veteran's Day variety. Since I watch a fair amount of CBC (Canadian televison) which, in turn, carries a certain amount of British television, I have noticed that, every November, every single flipping person on the CBC is sporting a red poppy in his/her lapel. At first I dismissed this as a clearly socialist thing - red being the color of godless communists and all that. (Except that, somehow, in 2000, someone in the media assigned red to represent republicans and blue to represent democrats in election speak, leading to "red states" and "blue states." I blame the liberal media, who clearly thought it was funny to make republicans have the commie color.)

But then, someone (probably The Canuck) explained to me that those were Veteran's Day poppies. (Well, they may call it something different in Canada and the UK, but we're all talking about November 11.) Oh, I thought, how touching. (Seriously. I would never be snarky about veterans.) But recently I have come to an important question. Why don't Americans wear poppies in support of our veterans? We're the ones who are supposed to be all patriotic all over the place. We drape anything that holds still in the Stars and Stripes. (Not that there's anything wrong with that - if it wasn't for the Stars and Stripes, there may well be a lot more swastikas around, for example.) So why don't we wear poppies in early November?

So, that's IT. I will obtain a poppy to wear next year, and perhaps extras to give away. I am starting a grass roots Poppies for Americans, Our Veterans Deserve Respect campaign. The UK and Canada can try to keep us in the poppyless ghetto, but we cannot be kept down forever!

And that's what I think about THAT!

The Big Seester

Rick Mercer smacks down Jon Stewart

OK, let me just say that I love Jon Stewart. Sure, I don't have cable anymore (because the cable company is a big thirsty vampire, sucking our life blood out of us daily), but when I did have cable, I really enjoyed The Daily Show. Based on a new invention called "You Tube," it seems I would also really like The Colbert Report. However, they both pale in comparision to Rick Mercer. I don't know how to do fancy-schmancy links in my blog posts yet (technology is hard, says Barbie!). However, if you go to www.cbc.ca/mercerreport, you should get a clear idea of what I am talking about. Important education point for the many readers of this blog in, say, Kuala Lampur: Rick Mercer is a Canadian. Canada is, in fact, a separate country from the US of A. Which means that almost everything is different, but just slightly. Little quirky differences, so you know you are not in the States, and can't just whip out your .38 and shoot the jerk that stepped on your foot at The Beer Store. See, The Beer Store - there's another. We don't have anything like that in the States.

Anyway, back to Rick Mercer. He has a comedic news show, sort of along the lines of The Daily Show. HOWEVER (and this is where the smackdown takes place) he travels throughout Canada, meeting and talking to people and doing wild and crazy stuff. (He also occasionally travels through the States, when he does his Talking to Americans program, but that's a whole 'nother post.) For example, last night he harness raced Ralph Klein, the Premier of Alberta. Way cooler than sitting back behind a cushy desk for 30 minutes! My favorite episode had to be when he went to (oh dear, I think it was) Winnipeg and met Dr. Popsicle, who conducts tests of how people's bodies react when they fall through the ice. (Not really a danger in Canada most of the year, only in July and August.) Anyway, here's Rick, in a suit, being lowered into a big tank full of icy cold water. Like I said, WAY cooler than Stewart.

And that's what I think about THAT!

The Big Seester

Testing? Testing?

Is this thing on? Somebody let me know whether this thing worked or not...

Big Seester