Holiday Gak

While I love most things about the Christmas season, one of the things I don't love is what I have come to call Holiday Gak. "Gak" is a technical word which means "nutritionally empty foodstuffs." You know gak - cookies, candy, cheeze whiz.

I know I've heard that the average weight gain during this season (which I'm certain would include Thanksgiving) is 5 lbs. Of course, 78% of statistics are completely made up. But I think it's fair to say that we all eat gak we shouldn't during December.

Now here's the thing: there's gak and then there's gak. What I mean is, having a slice of your mom's homemade (insert name here) pie on Christmas is one thing. Sure, it's full of fat and calories that you don't really need, so it's technically gak. (Of course, pumpkin pie also has vitamin A in it - hurray!) But it's your mom's homemade. It's family tradition, and no one would really blame you for having a piece. But then there's GAK - the tons of candy and cookies and other stuff that get thrown around the office every day, PLUS what gets passed around as gifts.

In the last week alone, we have had at least 4 different varieties of cookies show up at work (only one homemade), 2 kinds of holiday ice cream (gingerbread men and peppermint stick), tartlets, and pie.

Plus I have received multiple packets of hot cocoa mix (and I mean the "gourmet" cocoa, which someone apprently thinks is French for "super high calorie"), plus homemade pumpkin bread, homemade caramel corn, plus of course more candy canes than I can shake a stick at, and various other festive candies, like snickers bars (which are Christmas-y because they have special holiday colors on the wrapper).

The really sad part is - what in the heck do I DO with all this stuff? I mean, I just passed up the vast majority of the gak that has littered our kitchen (although I did have a little peppermint stick ice cream - I love the stuff and one of my grandmothers always served it on Christmas, so in a weird way, it's a family tradition). But the stuff which people gave me - well, I don't want to insult anyone, since of course they mean well, but I don't want it. And the really sad part is: I cannot think of one person in my life upon whom I should pawn it off. Everyone I know:

1. is trying to lose weight
2. has medical problems
3. is already surrounded by their own mountain of gak
4. all of the above

I cannot give the homemade stuff to a shelter. (I can give the "boughten" stuff to a shelter, if I can keep my hands off it long enough.) I hate to throw away food - it's wasteful and ungrateful. I try never to buy this kind of stuff because I don't want to throw it away, and I certainly don't want to eat it.

But given the choice, I'd rather have a few homemade cookies with the family on Christmas (or the stollen which The Clam and I will be attempting next week) than the scads of calorie and fat laden semi-food that has been foisted off on me. In an odd way, I feel like a member of the bomb squad. I have dangerous stuff at my place, and I don't want to detonate it in a way that hurts me or my loved ones. I want to get it out of my place and far away, without hurting anyone.

Good grief. No wonder half our population is fat - we've turned a couple of days of feasting into a 6 week long orgy of food.

It's my understanding that Gluttony is actually considered by the Church to be one of the worst of the Seven Deadly Sins. But apparently we don't hold with that in the US of A...

The Happiest Place on Earth

So Disneyland has been dethroned as the Happiest Place on Earth. (I've never been there, but I know that's how it's billed.)

Last weekend, I went to... (wait for it)...IKEA!!! We have one in metro Detroit now. To be honest, when it was coming, and the local newsmedia was fawning and drooling and acting like we lived in Bumble Fork, Idaho and have never had an actual furniture store before, I was more than a little peeved. "Good grief!" I shouted at the TV, after the 27th news broadcast that featured an overly made up junior journalist gushing over Ikea, "It's just a store - it doesn't cure cancer!"

Well, I may have been wrong there. It is entirely possible that Ikea DOES cure cancer. It is, simply put, the greatest thing since sliced bread. They have 10,000 useful and clever things, all of which would improve my life dramatically (see previous post about OCD and minimalism). It's all so...organized! Space saving! Nifty!

However, there was one thing that puzzled me. I was shopping for towels. I used to have these awesome towels that came from (I'm certain) Bed, Bath and Beyond and they were "spa towels" which is apparently code for "flat rather than fluffy and they take up less room in a washing machine, so they're more efficient." They finally bit the dust a few months ago, which sent me into a frantic search for replacements, which I couldn't find at BB&B (either online or an the store). I ended up buying some from Penney's which shredded the first time I washed them. I took them back, never fear. I ended up buying a cheapo version from Kmart to tide me over until I could find the real thing again.

So I'm looking at Ikea, and they seem to have what I want, except... They have:
1. washcloths (which look like American washcloths, and seem to be just about the same size as ours as well - if you've ever been to Europe, you may have seen the mitt-like European washcloths, so you'll get what I'm saying).
2. handtowels - which are HUGE. They are practically the size of an American bath towel.
3. bath sheets - which are also HUGE, but of course that's the idea of a bath sheet. I just don't buy them.

They don't have the size that you hang up near your sink for people to dry your hands with. They are really big. What's up with THAT? Do Swedes have really freakishly large hands? Enquiring minds want to know...

However, all in all, I love Ikea, and I expect to be hanging out there a lot. I wonder if I could pull a Bart & Milhouse and live there?

This is what concerns me

See, here's my concern about downloading songs from iTunes:

Top 10 Songs
Irreplaceable Beyoncé
Say It Right Nelly Furtado
Fergalicious Fergie
How to Save a Life The Fray
I Wanna Love You Akon featuring Snoop Dogg
My Love (Single Version) Justin Timberlake featuring T.I.
Keep Holding On (From “Eragon”) Avril Lavigne
All I Want for Christmas Is You Mariah Carey
Smack That (Dirty) Akon featuring Eminem
It Ends Tonight The All-American Rejects

One word: Yuck!

Where's The Chairman? Where's Der Bingle? Where's Jo Stafford?

Where's Herr Mozart, for that matter????

Oh Goody

Jenny from the Block has spoken:

http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061221/UPDATE/612210446

In a nutshell, here's what it says. Michigan's economy is bad. (RBTL: Duh. My favorite zing was made in the Detroit News, where a columnist explained that for 48 states, the economy is great. Michigan and Louisiana are the only 2 having major problems. You know Louisiana - the state that went all bayou, all the time after Hurricane Katrina. It's funny because it's true. They have an excuse. What's ours?) We face an unprecedented deficit (RBTL: even though I've already had 4 years to make a dent, things are worse than they were). It appears that I will have to either raise taxes or cut services or both. (RBTL: It will be both, even though you are already paying through the nose for nearly zero services, and, by the way, I knew this before the election. Nyah nyah!) And, by the way, even though I really made it clear that I was courting major jobs to replace all the Big 3 jobs which are going, going, gone, I actually haven't been able to procure any, except Google. (RBTL: Google is only a good job if you're a computer geek, not if you've worked on the line for 20 years, which is the case in the former automobile capital of the world. Also, I was completely unable to get the Prez to meet with the Big 3 execs, even though they were practically begging to.)

Very short version: things are bad. They will get worse. Perhaps you will learn from your mistake and not vote me in for a third term. Meanwhile, it's going to be a loooong 4 years.

iPods and other mysteries of life

So, in a recent post (I really wish I knew how to make a nifty little linky thing, but the title of the post is "Whew! That was a close one!") I mentioned my great relief at not having to break down and buy a Celine Dion CD, since she is the current queen of schmaltz.

DJ (a loyal reader of the blog) then recommended that I buy myself on of those new-fangled iPod gadgets, which are available on the Interwebs. And my baby sister tried to gently prod me to drop my Luddite tendencies and submit to the technology autocracy. (You MUST submit. Resistance is futile.)

Here's the thing. I really don't get it. I don't get 99% of the technology breakthroughs which seem to happen about once a week these days. You may think I'm being all, "Oh shucks, I'm just a girl - and technology is hard!" about this, but IT IS. I'm not kidding. Keep in mind that I am just a leetle bit ahead of the tech curve - I never had to take a computer class at school, for instance, and we got the family Atari when I was a little too old to really want to play it. Plus, I'm a product of Detroit Public Schools (and, yes, I can say that in Ebonics, if pushed). The Detroit Public Schools are not where you want your children to go. So, although I have a natural aptitude for languages, literature and history, I suffer from not only having really bad math and science teachers, but also not having had ANY math or science classes for a year in junior high (I wish I were joking).

And, quite frankly, I don't understand how ANYONE keeps up with this stuff. To that end, I have started reading both Popular Science and Popular Mechanics, because I recognize that I'm deficient. I am trying to learn this stuff, honest. But it changes so quickly, and I have no idea where to look for much of the info, so...it's not pretty. Just ask The Canuck. He spends an inordinate amount of time attempting to explain tech stuff to me. What a nice guy!

So, why am I reluctant to get an iPod? Because I have many questions that have not been answered. Like what? Feast your eyes...

What happens if I drop the iPod and kill it? Is all the music just GONE? Where IS IT?? Has it gone to the land of the trolls, far beneath the earth? See, if I take my "Christmas with the Rat Pack" CD and put those songs onto my iPod, and then I give away the CD, and something bad happens to my iPod, I have nothing. Just air. I mean, there isn't a device inside the iPod that's holding all that music, right? Because it would have to be really big to hold all of those CDs. A CD only holds so much info, as we all know. I mean, if I break my highly sophisticated home stereo system (aka my boombox) right now, I just have to replace the boombox. All the CDs are fine. I've never had a CD die on me. That's why I like stuff I can touch. I know where it is.

Also, what happens when the inevitable happens and the iPod is not being used anymore? I mean, I'm not quite old enough to have HAD any 8 tracks, but I'm just guessing that the poor schlub who got a major 8 track collection going regretted it in the end. Likewise the guy with the laserdisc collection. If I download a bunch of songs and the technology changes, do I have to re-purchase all that music?

Also, let's pretend that I get myself an iPod nano, and it holds 50% of my music. Where do I keep the other 50%? And when I want to switch it out, how do I do that? And then, when I buy whatever the "next iPod" is, how do I transition?

It's all very confusing, and it makes my brain hurt. And NO ONE has ever been able to explain it to me so that I can understand it.

And THAT is why I haven't bought an iPod.

Go ahead. Laugh.

WHEW! That was a close one!

OK, so I voiced concern about buying a Celine Dion Christmas CD. (Scroll down!) I went to amazon.com to check it out, and I am relieved to know that I will NOT be buying it anytime soon. Here's why:

It's got that crappy, horrible John Lennon Christmas song on it. You know the one: Happy Xmas (War is Over). UGH!

It's also got a LOT of other songs that I don't know and don't particularly WANT to know. Including one (and I'm quoting a reviewer here): "Christmas Eve - This is one of the best new songs in the album. This song reminds me of Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas For You. It's upbeat and catchy, making you want to go out and have fun on Christmas eve."

OK, I HATE Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas is You. It's an ear worm. It's horrible, stupid, bouncy and trite.

If that wasn't bad enough, apparently she does a duet with R. Kelly on this album. BLECH!

All in all, only a few of the songs are ones I know & like, and there are a couple of French songs I might otherwise be interested in, but the negatives outweigh the positives.

I'm thinking that I will actually purchase an iPod next year. Then I can download the few songs I do want and skip the rest.

Portion Distortion

You know, as much as simple answers would be great, they generally aren't correct. I don't think the obesity epidemic in this country (and other western countries) is down to any one thing. It's a lot of things that add up. But I also think that portion distortion is a major component of the problem. Consider these numbers (source: a CNN.com quiz I took this morning):

20 years ago a bagel was 3 inches in diameter and 140 cals.
Today a bagel is 6 inches in diameter and 350 cals.

The average portion of spaghetti has doubled (from 1 cup of pasta and sauce & 3 small meatballs) to double that, with it costing you 1,025 cals.

French fries have gone from 210 cals (2.4 oz) to 610 cals (6.9 oz)

A turkey sandwich that you might order at a deli has gone from 320 cals to 820 cals (ACK!)

And of course, everybody's favorite bad habit - sodapop.

According to this quiz, 20 years ago a serving of pop was 6.5 oz and 85 cals, whereas today it is 20 oz and 250 cals.

Now, I must take exception to THAT, because I was drinking pop 20 years ago, and there were NO 6.5 oz bottles of pop that I ever saw. Since I became aware of pop (mid-70s), we have gone from the 16.9 oz glass bottle to the 20 oz plastic bottle (and now the 24 oz plastic bottle). Yes, there are the 12 oz cans as well. But I cannot remember ever seeing a 6.5 oz can or bottle of pop, except for the cute, over-priced, retro bottles of Coke you occasionally see.

My mom clearly remembers the tiny bottles, although she wasn't sure if they were 8 oz or 6 oz. Her mother used to bring home 1 six-pack a week from the grocery store, and each member of the family got 1 Coke. Got that? One 6.5 oz Coke a week. (Of course, that's not counting what they got when they were out with friends or whatever. That's at home.)

I must say that my grandmother was quite nutritionally sound for her day and age, and she kept her figure even after having 4 kids in 7 years. And you know what? If you only drink 6.5 oz of Coke a week, you probably wouldn't have a problem. Of course, 6.5 oz a DAY is less than most of us drink!

While I disgree with the quiz stating that 20 years ago, a Coke was 6.5 oz, I WILL say that a SERVING of Coke is 8 oz. It states that clearly on the product. Of course, they don't SELL the product in the correct amount, but...

The ones that surprised me were the spaghetti and the turkey sandwich. You sit down to a plate of pasta, you don't realize you're eating over half your day's allotment of food. The fries I already knew, because I read Fat Land. I remember when fries came in a little paper bag.

Gosh am I getting old or what?

When You Become What You Hate

A little Mr. Burns to set the mood of this post...

"This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials."

So I have a terrible confession to make. Awful. Horrible. Puppy-squooshing bad.

I may have to break down and buy a Celine Dion CD. Specifically, her Christmas CD. I heard her rendition of "O Holy Night" (one of my fave carols) the other day, and I really liked it. Then, yesterday, I heard her rendition of "Ave Maria." Beautiful.

Oh, what to do? I cannot STAND Celine Dion. Is this how it begins? Do I start with a Celine Dion Christmas CD and end up having a collection of John Tesh duets with Kenny G? I feel like such a ... hypocrite. AND an old fogey all wrapped into one.

Oh, the humanity!

Heavy blogging day

So be sure to scroll down and read, since there are several posts...

Input Wanted

I'm trying to make a decision whether or not to move to online bill paying. The Clam and The Canuck both highly recommend it. I tend to be a semi-luddite, and a little fearful of hackers.

I don't want anyone to post anything too personal on the blog, but if you would email me at:

da (underscore) big (underscore) seester (at) yahoo (dot) com

and let me know if you do it, if you like it, and if you've had any problems whatsoever.

Ta very much!

High Finance

OK, so...you may have heard the news that the US Mint is going to make another attempt with a dollar coin, starting in Spring 2007. Yes, apparently the ill-fated Susan B. Anthony dollar and the Sacajawea dollar weren't enough of a lesson, so they are going to release President dollars (like the state quarters that we have been privileged to have for the last several years). They think that having MEN on the dollars might succeed where women have failed.

Now, here's the thing: after about 5 minutes of research, I WANT the USA to switch to dollar coins. Not because I really like shiny things, but because of a few basic facts.

This has been something that has been discussed often in the Senate since at least 1995. In 1995, the numbers they threw around were as follows: the government could save $150 million annually by switching to $1 coins from bills. How is that possible, you ask? Well, it costs 8 cents to produce a dollar coin, but only 3.8 cents to create a dollar bill, but it's a false economy, because the average life span of a bill is 18 months, whereas coins have an average lifespan of 30 years. Think about that. We can print 1 coin, or 20 bills.

Now, I'm not a mathematician. But it seems to me that it is a better deal to print coins than bills, in that case.

The pessimists in the govenment keep moaning and whining that dollar coins always fail. Well, take a lesson from our neighboUrs to the north - when Canada introduced the Loonie they just took away the dollar bills (according to Wikipedia that was in 1987, but Wikipedia also claimed that John Siegenthaler assassinated President Kennedy - coming soon to a dollar coin near you! - so I don't tend to take Wiki too seriously. Let's just say that Canada introduced the Loonie within living memory). And, all of a sudden, dollar bills are a thing of the past. Next they introduced the Toonie (a 2 dollar coin, which would cut down on the heaviness of your pants pockets, I would think).

So, here's my point: I personally think that we have better ways to spend $150 million each year. Honestly, don't you think that we could find another way to spend that money?

I say, just have the spine to make the switch. We'll adjust. Put the $150 million x 25 years into the "Let's Save Social Security" fund (since I would like to retire by my 70th birthday).

What Do You Think?

So, within the last couple of weeks, we have heard about two separate cases of people being trapped in snowstorms on the West Coast (the family from SanFran who apparently thought it would be a great idea to take a scenic shortcut through a national park) and some climbers who thought that December would be an ideal time to climb Mt. Hood.

Now, I try very hard to not be judgmental about these things. (The Clam will tell you, I really do try.) As far as the family goes, I thought: well, they're city slickers. I'll bet they don't get many snow storms in SanFran. So they made a tragic mistake. (Well, several actually. They didn't have emergency supplies, extra food or the right kind of clothes. They apparently didn't realize their cell phone wouldn't work well in the mountains, and they had an infant with them.) However, the climbers made a conscious choice to decide to climb Mt. Hood in December, when it has already been well-established that the west coast is having an odd winter - hello - snow in Vancouver!?!?!

Living in Michigan, every year we have news stories in March about people who wanted to go ice fishing "one last time this winter" and need to be rescued when the ice breaks apart.

The underlying problem, I think, is that we are just too cocky. We think we have everything figured out, and there are no more challenges. The problem is, Mother Nature is an untamed force.

So here's my question: should you and I be responsible for picking up the tab for the Darwin Award semi-finalists who decide that Mt. Hood is just ASKING to be climbed in December (or in Michigan, that the ice LOOKED fine!)? Do I sound too much like Ebenezer Scrooge? (Are there no workhouses? Are there no orphanages?)

But seriously, you know, I can be driving on I-75 to the UP and have a breakdown in December, and might need rescuing, but you will not catch me attempting to climb a mountain in the dead of winter, or going out on the ice when it's been above freezing. That's called "common sense." Besides which, I have AAA. Which is just common sense, living in Michigan. These rescue missions can get very expensive. I saw a news story in which the father of the family insinuated that not enough was done to rescue the Kim family. Now, I sympathize with James Kim's plight, and it had to be a horrible way to die. But, BUT...he's the one who made the bad choice. Now his family is insinuating that they are going to sue the rescuers for doing a shoddy rescue job, when (I'm sorry) it's their own d*mn fault they ended up stuck for 10 days.

Grandma always said that common sense is very uncommon.

Am I a horrible person? (Don't answer that, Clam!)

More "Pat Me on the Back" Diet-related Stuff

Well, as I mentioned a few days ago, I have not had a Coke for 6+ weeks. This is a MAJOR accomplishment for me, as I have struggled with this for years. It is all part of a larger, let's lose some weight and get healthy! campaign which was spurred on by my doctor. (I have thyroid and immune system issues, so things get pretty complicated.) I have learned from past mistakes, and rather than taking things to an extreme (because we all know what happens when you stretch a rubber band too far) or trying to "cheat" my way to better health, I am working on just 2 things:

1. Seriously reducing the amount of sugar I consume, and
2. Making smarter choices on a daily basis

Now, the first seems pretty self-explanatory, and to an extent it is, but wait - there's more! The first step was to get off the pop. You know, it's a very interesting thing. I have tried to give up pop multiple times in the past. You know you're addicted when you make up your mind to do something, and then you realize that your head's not running the show. But I have known for years that a gram of sugar is approximately 1/4 teaspoon. Doing the math, then, if a 12-oz can of Coke has 39 grams of sugar, that's almost 10 teaspoons of sugar. Over 3 tablespoons. Eeewww. And there have been times when I have had significantly more than one can a day. So clearly, the first step is to drop the pop, because that is absolutely the biggest offender in my life. I have also worked very hard to reduce sugar in other areas of my diet. I drink my coffee "au lait" (with hot milk), so I'm good there. Tea I drink with milk and sugar, but I'm reducing the amount of sugar I use. I'm down to 3/4 teaspoon per cup. I'm trying to substitute digestive biscuits for other sweets. I have been asked several times by well-meaning people (and out and out pushed by my mother) why I don't switch to Splenda, or other sugar-free products, in my attempt to reduce my sugar intake. Well, here's why: My goal is to lower my sweet tooth altogether. I don't want to substitute a non-caloric substitute, so I can eat as much gak as I want. I want to tame the sugar monster.

It is a process, to be sure. I was doing great until I started PMSing, and then things went kind of wonky. Now, of course, it's the wacky season, so I'm just trying to minimize as much as possible.

As far as making better choices on a daily basis goes, I've been so-so. It all stems from lunch. I don't generally eat breakfast during the week. If I get it together and pack a lunch to take to work, my day goes pretty smoothly. If I don't pack a lunch, the day turns into a free-for-all. With that in mind, and knowing that I was not going to need a lunch on Monday, Wednesday or Friday of this week (various Christmas-related events at work), I decided to do the unthinkable and (gasp!) buy some frozen entrees for lunch on Tuesday and Thursday. I don't generally buy them, because they are often not particularly healthy, and, quite frankly, not appealing to me at all. But I was in the frozen foods section, and I noticed that Kashi (makers of fine, kasha-based products) has a small line of frozen entrees. So I bought 2. I had one today: Lime Cilantro Shrimp. (The Clam will tell you that I loooove Lime and Cilantro - she had the sweet potatoes I made on Sunday.) It was pretty good, and fairly healthy (250 cals, 6 g fiber, 12 g protein. It was a little higher in fat than ideal: 8 g, and 2 g sat fat, but the sat fat is from coconut cream, not poly-mono-di-transilated whatever. Actually, the ingredients were almost all things I recognized.)

I go back and see the doc the week after Christmas, when we determine if my thyroid meds have been readjusted to the correct amount (they were off at my last blood test).

Hopefully my quest to reduce the amount of gak in my life will have borne fruit.

I don't know if I have ever mentioned this, but

Mr. Burns is my very favorite chacter on The Simpsons. The Clam is convinced that my taste in cartoon characters is indicative of my personality. I honestly don't know why I like the bad guys on every cartoon, but I do:

The Simpsons: Mr. Burns
Family Guy: Stewie
South Park: Cartman
American Dad: Stan Smith
Pinky and The Brain: The Brain

Anyway, in light of my last post, I thought I would favor you with a Mr. Burns quote. This is from the episode where Mr. Burns speaks to Lisa's class and she asks him about recycling. (They end up going into business together, but it is ill-fated.) Anyway, we get treated to a picture of Mr. Burns' dictionary, which included entries for words like "ragamuffin" but of course, he doesn't know the word recycling. When Lisa explains it to him, he says:

"Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese."

ROTFL!

Crazy Train

So, as The Clam will tell you (with minor prompting), I have a tendency toward:

1. impulsiveness
2. OCD (not scary OCD, just quirky OCD)
3. minimalism
4. legalism

An interesting combination, to be sure. I try to keep it in check, but of course I end up doing things like...oh, let's see... downsizing my washcloth collection to include only 10 (minimalism and legalism), and then getting upset because they are not all the same color (OCD), and going out and buying 10 new ones that all match (impulsiveness) and then not being able to sleep because I just spent $35 on new washcloths because they weren't all the same color and now I have 20 washcloths instead of 10 and so I have to sort through them again, AND of course I have wasted $$$ so I want to keep the ones that are the wrong color because, after all, they're FINE really, they're just not the right color (I think that's where the train goes off the rails temporarily). So then they sit in my drawer unused for a few months until I come to grips, and send them to the Sally, because I'm being silly and selfish and hoarding wahcloths when low-income people could use them.

Multiply that by, oh, I don't know, most areas of my life, and you begin to see: it's hard being me. Anyway, this has positive and negative aspects...the negative ones usually relating to money that I wish I hadn't spent on crap I don't really need.

So I spent a few hours cleaning up/cleaning out my storage room (which has been christened "The Scary Bad Room") last weekend. I organized my tools into one place, I threw away a bunch of junk, I washed the floor, etc. Ever since, I have been highly focused (obsessed?) about one thing.

*****IMPORTANT THING FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND******

I think recycling is stupid. Not "I'm a Republican so I say 'Screw the Earth'" stupid; I think it is one of those "fixes" that allows people to behave completely irresponsibly because "I recycle!" (Like the morons in Hollywood who drive hybrid cars, so they clearly are superior to the rest of us schlubs. Apparently the batteries in hybrid cars are made with nickel, and the plant that makes a lot of the batteries is in Sudbury, Ontario. Google it and see what wonderful things that plant is doing to help the environment. Be prepared to freak out - it looks like those po-mo "what if there was a nuclear holocaust" movies from 1982.)

Recycling costs energy. Lots of energy. I'm not a science nerd, but: all the trucks that pick up your recycling aren't being pulled by unicorns. The recycling plants themselves are major pollutants - they aren't powered by fairy dust.

Don't call the Recycpo (that's the Gestapo for Recycling). I still recycle. I just recognize that:
1. It's not the magical solution to our woes that everyone likes to pretend it is
2. The ACTUAL QUOTE from the WW2 era was Reduce, Reuse, Recycle (and, as far as I remember, they were in order of preference)

So, my first goal is to reduce. Reduce the amount of garbage I throw away (or even recycle), reduce the amount of junk that I buy, etc. I also try to reuse wherever possible.

Anyway, all of this is my way of introducing my new OCD obsession. While I was cleaning out the Scary Bad Room, I discovered that I have a pest problem. Plastic shopping bags. (Or carrier bags if you are in the UK.) They are everywhere, and they are breeding! I hate them with a passion. Now, I'm not talking about the nice shopping bags you might get at Hudson's/Marshall Field's/Macy's/Whatever the hell it's called this week. I don't shop often enough to acquire too many of those. I'm talking about the crappy, cheap, flimsy bags you get at supermarkets and drugstores and the like. First of all, you can only fit 4 things in a bag, so you end up with 10 bags of groceries. Second, they have gotten so thin that they rip if you sneeze on them, so you have to double-bag unless you WANT your cucumbers rolling down the driveway toward the street. That's 20 bags. A week. Sometimes more.

I swear to you that I have 7,128 plastic shopping bags in my home. It's ridiculous. But they are usually not recyclable (in my experience, the ones that are recyclable are the ones that are actually WORTH reusing, while the flimsy ones aren't) and I feel guilty throwing them away (I don't know why; it's not like landfills were perfectly fine until the plastic bags started showing up). So I keep them and reuse them as much as I can, but clearly not enough.

That's when my complete addiction to British TV niggled at my brain and said, "I have a better answer!" Why not buy a few of those nifty European string shopping bags, which can be reused until they fall apart. Take them with you and you will at least no longer be adding to the problem. I checked them out on the internet - they are available in the US, they come in all sorts of fun colors, and they are about $6 each.

So... am I crazy? Is this the stupidest idea ever? Part of me keeps saying, "Why would you spend $20 on shopping bags when you can get as many as you want for free at Krogers?" The other part of me says, "Yes, but they are junk, both literally and figuratively." Plus wherever possible I try to walk to the grocery and drugstore, which means that I am walking back home with bags that could break at any moment, which is quite annoying.

What say you, dear readers? Any CONSTRUCTIVE comments? Is this my quirky, fun OCD coming out to play, or is this an actual good idea that I won't regret at 2 in the morning for weeks afterwards?

Free at last, free at last!

OK, so somewhere, MLK just put a hex on me for copping his cool quote for something so trivial. But it honestly relates how I feel about this, so... (I'm holding up a mirror so the hex bounces back and hits him...)

Today marks 6 weeks since I have had a sodypop.

To the uninformed, that doesn't seem like such a big thing. Well, you are WRONG. I am truly addicted to pop. Like an alcoholic, but with Coke. I could care less about hooch, but give me a Coke, and I'll be your friend for life. So, I'm a friend of Bill W's much younger sister. I have been trying to stop drinking pop for years. More than a decade, actually. I have gone from regular Coke to Diet Coke and back again to regular Coke. It has been a never-ending drama of ups and downs, triumphs and failures.

Ask The Clam, she knows the pain, agony and suffering I have gone through trying to quit the fizzy stuff.

I'm not generally a conspiracy theorist, but I'll tell you something: 6 weeks out, and I STILL want a pop, badly. Something's not right there. I don't know what it is, but WOW.

At this point, what's keeping me going is momentum. I say to myself, "Come on - you've done this for 6 weeks. Why would you blow it now?" The last 6 weeks have seen me drink water until I'm ready to sprout gills, enough tea to drown an Englishman, and coffee. Not a ton of coffee, just some. Enough coffee to mildly interest an Italian?

I just had to share my victory!

It's the most wonderful time of the year

OK, so it's that time of year... The time of year when I do a fair amount of donating to charities. It's the season for giving, after all, and now that I'm not 8 anymore, I really do understand and believe that it's better to give than receive. Sure, there are things I do throughout the year as well, but somehow, the Christmas season really brings into focus how many people are struggling out there, and how extremely fortunate I am. (I hesitate to say "blessed" because I have real issues with the whole "health and wealth gospel" thing, which is another post.)

This year, especially here in Michigan, things are really tough. So, I am trying to be as generous as I can, and I feel guilty because I'm saving money because I want to buy a little condo next year, so I'm being what I consider to be fairly Scroog-ey. But I've donated to the Archdiocese's Adopt-a-Family, the Capuchin Soup Kitchen and the Salvation Army. Also, every year our department chooses a charity to support at our Christmas luncheon, which is a "potless potluck." This year, we are supporting one of the other secretaries, who is quitting her job to go work in an orphanage in Africa. (Wow.) Last year it was the Council of Catholic Women's Operation Layette, where they provide layettes for low-income pregnant women. There's also St. Aloysius Warming Center (I work downtown, and I can tell you there are a lot of people who are homeless or indigent down here.) I also want to take canned goods to the Operation Can-Do which Big Boy holds every year. You get the idea. So many worthy causes, so little $$$.

But then today, something happened that really impressed me, and at the same time, convicted me. I was invited to a luncheon on the floor, which was in honor of a guy from Africa, who is heading back there after 3 months in the States. He runs a school in Rwanda, and was doing some fundraising. Between AIDS and the fallout from the genocide, things are pretty tough there right now. Anyway, one of the women who came to the luncheon is a Girl Scout Troop Leader (Brownies, actually, 1st-3rd grade) and she explained in general terms about this man and the school and the situation in Rwanda (it's hard to explain genocide and AIDS to 7 year olds) and the girls decided they wanted to help. Between making bracelets and selling them, and bakesales, they raised $1,300. That's right, folks. 35 little girls raised $1,300. I actually started to cry right in the middle of this luncheon.

On the one hand, I am so impressed with these girls, and proud of them. On the other hand, I am fairly ashamed of myself for not being more generous myself. I mean, I know it's just this one year, while I sock the bucks away so I have a little bit of a cushion for next summer, but still.

Men I have a secret crush on

OK, so the title is a little bit of a cheat.

Most people who know me know that, when it comes to celebrities, I prefer them dead. Well, that's not exactly accurate. I'm not a necro - I mean that I prefer the ones who happen to be dead, mostly because my ideal man comes from an earlier generation. I just don't dig the uber-sensitive, pierced male of today. I prefer the strong, silent man that once was. John Wayne in The Quiet Man, if you will. Well, they can't be silent all the time, because that could get lonely. But they are definitely MEN - not steroid munching troglodytes, but men nevertheless, who a girl can count on if needs must.

You know, supposedly there's this concept that you have a list of 5 celebrities that you (ahem) get a free pass with. If you know what I mean. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!) Well, for me it's a moot point, because any celebrity I would even think of putting on that list is no longer with us:

Gary Cooper
Humphrey Bogart
Gregory Peck
Steve McQueen
???

I don't know who the 5th one is, but you get the idea. Yes, Cary Grant is not on the list. He is wonderful, but I don't want to go out with a guy who always looks so sharp that I look sloppy in comparison.

Anyway, most of my friends and relations know about my feelings about, say, Steve McQueen. That's not a secret.

However, I also have certain embarrassing little secrets. Men that, at first glance, you might think are completely not my type. But, even though they are not strictly "my type," they have somehow endeared themselves to me in a way which warms the cockles of my heart. (What is a cockle in that context?)

The first is Rumpole. Horace Rumpole (of the Bailey). Yes, he's 20 years older than me (and a fictional chacter to boot). He's also... sturdy, he smokes (eeewwww) and he drinks rather a lot of fairly cheap wine. But he is also very funny, smart and well-read. Quite appealing. And yes, he's a defense attorney (egads!) but I have noticed that his clients tend to be innocent, so what he actually does is get an innocent man off and nail the perpetrator at the same time. (In real life, they are usually guilty, so a successful defense attorney wouldn't be my cup of tea.) I first realized my feelings for Rumpole about a month ago. I was reading a story, and his wife (Hilda - She Who Must Be Obeyed) got upset at him, and I had this fleeting, "Geez - he's actually a pretty great husband - why are you always down on him? Poor Horace!" thought. Which got me thinking, who are the other men in my life?

Well, I'd have to say Inspector Morse. OK, bad choice - he's an alcoholic. But he's so very clever and well-rounded and has a sharp, interested brain. (Plus he can do The Times crossword in about 60 seconds.) In reality, it would never work between us. He doesn't have the gentle personality or easy-going manner of Horace Rumpole. He's pretty cranky, actually. And there's the drinking thing. Not cool. But then, I'd probably be nagging Horace to quit smoking too.

The third is definitely the most embarrassing of the three. I am not ready to share his identity with you yet. Perhaps later.

My Little Einstein

I have a very smart cat. Well, actually, I have 2 cats: Cheeters and Lou. Cheeters is the pretty one, and Louie is the brain. That sounds mean, but Cheeters really is very pretty, and sweet and loving. She's not dumb, but she's not a genius cat either. And Louie, well, I personally think he is quite handsome. He's a big guy, with very tufty ears (like a bobcat), and he only has three fangs. So he's...not classically handsome, but still very cute in his own way. But he's very smart.

Anyone who has cats knows that the most unusual things become toys. Now, a favorite toy of many of the cats I have known has been the ring that seals a gallon of milk shut. You know: you buy a gallon of milk in a plastic carton and it has a cap. When you open the cap for the first time, there's that plastic ring. OK. Those are called "Mr. Ringie" and Louie loves them. It doesn't matter where he is in the apartment, when I open a new container of milk, he magically appears in the kitchen. It used to be that I could throw it for him and that was good enough. But now I must roll it for him (like a tiny little Victorian hoop). And it must roll far enough and fast enough to be interesting. Then he will bat it around the apartment, or put it in his mouth and toss it. Needless to say, there are always several ringies on the floor in various parts of my apartment, which may look to the uneducated as if I am sloppy. (There usually also crumpled wads of paper, because he loves those, and water bottle caps.)

Several months ago, I decided to play "Guess Which Hand?" with a ringie, and Louie played along. (This was my first clue that he was quite clever.) Now, I'm not one of those people who think that animals understand everything we say to them, although it is very clear that they "talk" to us - there is a vocabulary there, we just don't always understand it. But Louie tells me very clearly whenever I peel a cucumber that he would like some, please. But back to the ringies. I say, "Guess which hand?" and I hold my closed fists in front of him, and he taps a hand with his paw, and I show him if he's right or wrong, and we do it until he gets it right, and then I roll it for him. The interesting thing is: he's right more than 50% of the time, and no, I don't go LH, RH, LH, RH. I mix it up. Other people (The Clam and The Canuck) have seen this phenomenon, and I think they will agree, I don't "cheat."

Then, he learned how to open a little vanity drawer in my bathroom, and he does it nearly every day. I have watched him - he uses his paw, opens the drawer, looks inside, and then roots around, looking for I have no idea what. Pretty cute, and not destructive. And so far nothing's missing.

Well, about a month ago, I thought, "Gosh. I roll Mr. Ringie, and then he chases it, and then he bats it around, and then he comes back and meows at me, which means, "Roll it again, mommy!" So I have to go get it, bring it back and roll it again. Why don't I see if I can teach him to bring it back?" (Yes, like fetch, but since he's not a dog, I won't use the word. He wouldn't do it on principle then.)

It wasn't going so well. It's hard to train one cat with the other one around, because if you give one a treat, the other one expects one, and of course, that negates the "You did a great job!" aspect of the treat. Then fate intervened. I got something which was tied with elastic string. I remembered that a cat I had years ago used to go ballistic for elastic string. (I worked at Lord & Taylor, and could bring it home for her.)

So, I thought, let's see if Louie likes elastic string. I shot it across the room (rubberband style) and he went flying after it, and next thing I know, he's running toward me with the string in his mouth. WAHOO! So, ever since, we have had about 1/2 hour a night of Mr. Stringie. It's so cute to see him running towards me with the string dragging along behind him. Then he steps on it and almost falls. Anyway, he's getting some much-needed exercise. No, he's not fat, he's big boned. But he's also what the Vet called an "indiscriminate eater" (which cracked The Clam right up) so he does tend toward embonpoint. I will keep this up a few days, and then perhaps we'll try again with the ringie. Meantime, I'm saying "Go get it!" every time I shoot it, and hopefully this will be vocab that he will learn.

Hopefully The Clam will show me how to post pics soon, so the world can see how cute my kitties are...

Deep Question

MAJOR DISCLAIMER: de gustibus non est disputandum (there's no accounting for taste)

These are MY opinions about Christmas music. If I insult your absolute favorite Christmas song, too bad. Get your own blog and make your own list!!!!!!

OK, so now that it is actually December, I have plugged WNIC into my car radio presets (never fear, it will be de-programmed on my way home from Dad's Christmas night!) and am listening to all Christmas music whenever I go anywhere. I have realized that there are several categories when it comes to Christmas music:

Terrific classics would include Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Andy Williams, and Karen Carpenter (yes, I know, her brother is the King of the Cheese People, but her voice is so lovely I don't care that his arrangements are nauseatingly sweet. I mean, he makes Shirley Temple look streetwise!)

Cheesy newer ones... well, honestly I can't be too specific, because I'm a station-flipper when bad songs or new songs I don't like come on, but I would put Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas Is You in this category, as well as anything by Kenny G. I'm sorry - I just don't like him. Well, his music anyway.

Pretty good new ones would include just about anything by Amy Grant (I especially like Mary's Song), and a few others. Martina McBride has a rendition of Do You Hear What I Hear? which is pretty nice, and there's a version of Mary's Boy Child (a Caribbean song) which is OK.

Cheesy old ones... this includes things like Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas (Burl Ives), Rockin Around the Christmas Tree (Brenda Lee) and Feliz Navidad by that dude whose name I can't remember. You know, they aren't stellar Christmas songs, but they are still a part of Christmas, and I would probably feel ripped off if I didn't get to hear them a couple of times.

Then there are terrible Christmas songs. You know the ones I am talking about...the dogs barking Jingle Bells, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and The Chipmunk Song.

There is a sub-category of terrible Christmas songs: unintentionally funny and lame songs like Do They Know its Christmas? and John Lennon's Christmas song. (I don't know the name of the song. He and Paul both had Christmas songs out. I used to think that Paul's was shallow and John's was deep. Now I recognize that Paul's is shallow and John's is indicative of his imperious, 'I know better than you the evils of the world' attitude which I find so sanctimonious and patronizing. Which explains why my favorite Beatle is George.)

AAAAANNNNNYYYYWWWWAAAAYYYY...

I was out running errands a couple of nights ago, and The Chipmunk Song came on. Now, I have heard this song umpty-squat times in my life (I think it came out in the 50s, but don't quote me on that, but it's been around ever since I can remember) but I never had this thought until now: How did they DO that?

C'mon. Think about it. We all know they are not REAL chipmunks. Listen to it carefully (I know it's painful) and try and figure it out. It was recorded before digital altering was possible. My original thought was that they were inhaling helium, but I can't hear ANY "sucking sounds" (except that the whole record generally sucks, but that's a different story altogether). I don't think it's falsetto (like Barry Gibb). That leaves my current theory: that they recorded it at a different speed and speeded it up to sound all high. If you listen, you'll notice that they are over-pronouncing a lot of the lyrics, like they knew they were going to be altering it. I'm thinking that the human on the song (Is his name Dave? That's what's popping into my head, which really scares me. Why do I know these things?!?!) recorded all his parts in real time, and then "Alvin, Simon and Theodore" recorded theirs at maybe 16 rpm, and then they speeded it up to 78 rpm, and then they spliced it together.

Does anyone have any Chipmunk Theories they can put out there? And yes, I was a big X-Files fan, so if Smoking Man fits into your theory, I will still listen to it.

If, on the other hand, you just want to expound about how amazing John Lennon was and what a Philistine I am for not falling down and worshiping him, be warned. You will be mocked mercilessly. Especially since today, 26 years after his death, Yoko Ono said she still cannot forgive the man who shot him.

But...all we are saying is Give Peace a Chance!

Nerd becoming a Geek

So I've always been something of a nerd, but lately I seem to be developing definite geek tendencies, which concerns me.

You don't know the difference between nerds and geeks, you say? What is WRONG with you?!?! There are clear differences.

Signs That I Am a Nerd:
1. Major bookworm (since I was a toddler, thank you very much)
2. Bad athelete (just ask the former members of my co-ed softball team)
3. Being interested in things like, oh, I don't know, Welsh Ethnic Dancing. I have been invited to attend the annual British Isles Show in Toronto (Canada, you hoser!) in March, and when I checked out the website, I was highly impressed and interested in the Authentic Welsh Dance Troupe. Of course, I was invited to attend by my mostly Canadian Coronation Street Fanblog Friends, which may or may not add to the nerd factor (that's debatable). OTOH, the Welsh Dancers wouldn't be my first reason for going (meeting the Corrie Canuck folks and meeting Fizz would, and if you don't know who Fizz is, you need to be watching Corrie!) but it still counts as nerdiness.
4. Quoting things from TV shows from 25 years ago (you hoser!) which I do ALL THE TIME. I also quote movies, and The Simpsons. A lot.
5. Following politics, and not just American, but international.
6. Correcting people in restaurants and stores when their signs have typos on them.
7. Actually wanting to be an official "Card carrying member" of the Militant Wing of the Apostrophe Protection Society.

Signs of Creeping Geekism:
1. Actually reading things like Popular Science.
2. Dr. Who (and this is actually the reason for this post).

Now, I was never a sci-fi person, at all. I mean, I went and saw the Star Wars movies (the original 3, with Han Solo, Princess Leia and Puke Skywalker). But I never watched Star Trek, for example, and I never got into sci-fi books. When my friends were reading A Wrinkle in Time, I was reading my first Agatha Christie (I have read a LOT of murder mysteries, so don't make me angry!) I do remember watching the old Twilight Zone reruns which would be on during the day on summer break. I mean the originals, with Rod Serling. I enjoyed those, but probably mostly for the sense of irony they produced. (The "God says Zing!" factor.) I never, ever watched Dr. Who in the 70s. Now, the CBC has the new Dr. Who series on. After meeting 117 people over the last 15 years who were appalled that I had never seen Dr. Who, I made a promise to myself to check out the new series. I dutifully sat down to watch the first episode of the season, which featured talking skin. No, that isn't a typo. About 25 minutes into the episode, I said, "Ohhhhkaaaaaayyyyy. I am not a sci-fi fan, and never will be. Talking skin? How creepy is THAT?"

That's right. I almost escaped the geek flavor that has begun to permeate my being. But then, someone made mention on the Corrie Canuck blog that there was a Dr. Who episode coming up which was written by a former Corrie writer, and it was a kind of tribute episode to Corrie. OK, I thought, but they'd better bring Ena Sharples back from the dead. Well, they didn't, but I did enjoy the episode. A lot. And when I saw the preview for Monday's episode, I was intrigued enough to remember to watch it. And I enjoyed THAT too! AND, it's a 2-part episode, so I have to tune in again next week! What is happening to me?!?!

Next thing you know, I'm going to be buying a pocket protector.

As Professor Frink would say, "Glaven!"

The Christmas Meme

Can someone DEFINE the word "meme" for me? I know I'm stodgy and old, but words just appear in my vocabulary out of the blue, and it's starting to tee me off...

Anyway, I have been tagged by The Clam, so I will repeat myself for the benefit of my many fans:

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? I like them both, but I prefer cocoa…the more important question is: nutmeg on your eggnog: yes or no?

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? He wraps them, of course! Of course, it's just me right now, so there's no tree and there are no gifts for under the tree. Last year I got gifts for the cats, in maybe October. They were in plastic packaging inside 2 bags. I rushed into the apartment after the long drive from Frankenmuth, (ahem) powdered my nose, and came out, to find that the cats were inside the bags and trying to get the plastic off. Catnip, you know. Yes, they are both Nipheads. So that's when I decided that the whole concept of Christmas gifts for cats was a little...stupid. They don't know about holidays. Truly. It would have been cruel to put Honey Bear and Mr. Quackers in a drawer until December 25th.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White – classic! Understated and elegant.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Well, it’s just me, so I don’t really decorate, but if I had somewhere to hang mistletoe where the cats couldn’t get it, I would. (I have visions of coming home to find a 19-pound cat dangling from the mistletoe which is dangling from the ceiling.) Also, I believe that mistletoe is poisonous to cats, as is poinsettia. Of course, Darwin would say that's just survival of the fittest, but then I would have to call Darwin a cat-hating jerk, so...

5. When do you put your decorations up? See above statement about having a tiny apartment and very smart (and occasionally destructive) cats.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Excluding dessert? Does that include stollen? OK…well, how about the jello my Grandma used to make with pomegranate seeds in it…it sounds weird, but it’s delicious.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Hahaha. My cousin Janice and I used to say to The Clam (the baby of the family), “Look! There goes Santa’s sleigh!! Did you see it?!?!”

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I don’t actually remember how I found out, but I remember my parents telling me that it was my job to help keep the magic alive for my younger sisters.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? The joys of divorced parents: Mom’s at Christmas Eve, Dad’s at Christmas Day.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? See above statement about cats. If I had a tree, it would probably be decorated with festive bubble wrap.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? I love it, but I don’t love driving in it.

12. Can you ice skate? A little bit, but no one will ever confuse me with Dorothy Hamill.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Of course! A rocking horse, the year I turned 3.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Family, friends and the coming of Our Lord.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? We used to make all these wonderful traditional German and Polish Christmas cookies, like cinnamon stars, animal cookies, Hungarian nut rolls, lebkuchen. And of course, stollen, which is a German Christmas bread.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Midnight Mass, and carols.

17. What tops your tree? I don’t have a tree, but when I do, it will be an angel.

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Giving. I hate being the center of attention and look for ways to escape that pain.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? It would be hard to pick just one…I love O Holy Night, and Silent Night, and Angels We Have Heard on High…

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? I like candy canes enough to have one, but I don’t like them enough to have more than one.

21. Favorite Christmas movie? Miracle on 34th St (the original of course), and The Christmas Story. I'm also enough of a Christmas sap to adore It's a Wonderful Life, even though I have seen it 492 times.

22. What do you leave for Santa? Well, I don't, although Louie would probably loooove it if I did, but again, playing along with the theme, when I was a kid, it was cookies and milk. (Authentic German and Polish Christmas cookies.)

Adopt-a-Family 2006

The Archdiocese of Detroit is sponsoring our annual Adopt-a-Family for Christmas program. We have a record number of families signed up. Last year we noted the trend that more and more recipients are asking for funds to help pay bills, because they can't pay for their heat, etc. This year many of the families are more middle class, but who have lost jobs and are just trying to hold it together. Love that Michigan economy! Gov. Granholm had better step up to the plate, that's all I can say.

Anyway, we are only 2 weeks away from the deadline, and we are severely under budget with donations. We usually end up with over $50,000, and right now we have only $20,000. Keep in mind that 100% of donations go to needy families - the AOD takes NOTHING, and pays for all the advertising, bookkeeping, etc.

If you are interested in making a donation, please go to the AOD website www.aodonline.org, go to the bar on the left, click Offices & Ministries, then choose Parish Life and Services. Adopt-a-family should be the first choice. (Yes, I know. Our website is not easy to navigate.)

God bless.

I wonder if the Grinch could sue them?

OK, wow. How big of a jerk do you have to be to steal toys that will be given to underprivileged children at Christmas by the Salvation Army? That out-grinches the Grinch, IMHO.

http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/10457016/detail.html

I don't even want to think about how much time in Purgatory THAT buys you...

Perhaps it's the Seventh-Day Adventists, just trying to even the score a little...

Grin.